Drunk Thanos #4

Written by Grim and edited by Marvelite
Published by the Cosmic Powers Fan Fiction Group in

Characters are parodies based off characters of Marvel Comics
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For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!

"Hey Willie, Get me another Grape Drop!"

"Sure thing, Mr. Thanos. Coming right up."

"Saaaay, Willie… Who is that lady at the end of the bar?"

"Don’t know… She’s been here most of the evening… Seems to be checking out the guys pretty hard, though… I wonder if she’s here to meet someone."

"Send her a drink for me, Willie…"

"Are you sure, Mr. Thanos? I don’t want your mistress to come in here acting like the plague, again. Last time she got mad, all my regulars left and never came back…"

"Yes, it’s OK. Send her one of those ‘lite beers’ that seem to be so popular."

"Oky doky, Mr. Thanos."

"Uhhhh, Mr. Thanos. She don’t want no beers."

"Whaaa? Can’t a guy be decent and buy a lady a drink, anymore?"

"Guess not, Mr. Thanos."

"Why is she here, anyway, if’n she don’t want no beers?"

"Don’t know. She sure talked all funny though… I require no alcoholic intake at this time…Human, I will see that you are assimilated first…"

"Assimil…Asssim… Wha’s that? Has she been hangin’ round that Beavis kid?*"

(*See the Thanos vs. Beavis Special in the upcoming Drunk Thanos Uncut Collection, to receive it by e-mail, see the bottom of this page!)

"Don’t know. You know I don’t allow no minors in the bar. Jack would nab ‘em at the door. He still don’t know how you keep getting’ past ‘im!"

"Maybe I should go talk to her. Show her that I’m a regular kinda guy… And that the mistress is outta town!"

"Wellll. I donno. Seems like everytime you’re in here, some sort o’ calamity occurs. But, good luck with ‘er, Mr. Thanos."

"Hello, miss. I am Thanos of Titan. May I buy you a dr… What’s them things on your head?"

"My designation is Seven-of-nine, not ‘miss’; I don’t care who you are; I require no alcohol at this time and these are Borg Implants. Now go away."

"Board in pants? Miss, lets ole’ Thanos tell ya, You aren’t no flat board in pants!"

"They are implants and My designation is Seven-of-nine, not ‘miss’."

"Wellll, Seventy-nine, why are ya here if’n you don’t want no beer?"

"I am searching for a male for the evening. I am… pleased… to inform you that you were eliminated at first glance."

"That’s Thanos for you. I’m first in everyth… ‘liminated? What? Why? Why was I ‘liminated? I haven’t even pee’d myself, tonight"

"You were eliminated due to the inscriptions on the female’s restroom wall that read: ‘Thanos only likes it when you play dead’… and ‘Thanos = Thanot’… and ‘Don’t get involved with Thanos; You’ll be home raising little, purple kids while he’s out fighting the galaxy’…"

"Who wrote those ‘scriptions about me?"

"That is irrelevant… I have made my selection for the evening."


"That male over by the billiard table. I have chosen him to accompany me for the evening."

"HIM? Thas’ Spacedout. He’s a friend o’ mine. Maybe the three of us…"

"You. The male designated as ‘Spacedout’. I… require… your… company… for the evening."

"Yaaaahhh!!! You’re Seven-of-Nine! I would accompany you to the end of the Universe!"

"That is… sufficient… Now, stop drooling! We will leave."

"Let me grab my drink and…"

"Negative. I have all manner of ‘beverages’ in my transportation outside."

"WHAT? You have a Borg cube parked outside? I’m not so sure that I want to ride in one of those!"

"Negative. I have left the collective. I have acquired suitable transportation for this planet. Now, Let us leave this place."

"What kinda transportation did you ‘acquire’?"

"I believe your species refers to it as ‘The Batmobile’."

Yes, Spacedout, for being such a good sport and enjoying my stories so much (And boosting my ego by responding to all of ‘em!) you are now spending an evening in the fully stocked Batmobile with Seven-of-Nine! Every fanboys dream come true! The rest of you fanboys will have to wait for the next story… Any ideas? Send them below, as well as your comments. And if you would like to receive the uncensored, more mature (or rather immature) versions of the Drunk Thanos stories, as well as the special Thanos vs. Beavis story, tell us below (and be sure to add your e-mail address so we can give you the secret location). The Drunk Thanos Uncut Special will be sent out December 29th, so subscribe to it (for free!) below today!  Now, go check out Drunk Thanos #5: A Christmas Special!

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