Drunk Thanos #5

Written by Grim and edited by Marvelite
Published by the Cosmic Powers Fan Fiction Group in
THE COSMIC POWERS UNLIMITED FANZINE ISSUE #12

Characters are parodies based off characters of Marvel Comics
Click here for black&white text version (good for printing!)

"A DRUNK THANOS CHRISTMAS"

CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A PG-13 AUDIENCE

For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!


"Willie, what’s with all this… stuff?"

"Ah, jeeze, Mr. Thanos… Ya scared the poop outta me! How you keep getting’ in here?"

"My belt buckle allows my to fold space and travel the pan-dimensional, intersecting quantum energies…"

"Huh?"

"I teleported."

"Oh. Why didn’t ya say that inna first place?"

"I did. Is there a celebration going on? Did you finally ban those chat guys for life?"

"No, Mr. Thanos. These are Christmas decorations."

"An Earthly custom, I presume?"

"That’s right. All the peoples of the planet gather together and celebrate not being devoured by Galactus."

"Huh? Strange custom!"

"Actually, we celebrate friends and family. Here, I even got you a little somethin’."

"Aww, jeeze, Willie… You didn’t have to do that. What’s in it?"

"You have to open it and find out." Thanos rips the package in two and examines what’s left.

"Uhmmm… Most people shake it first and try to guess what’s inside."

"Oops. Uhmmm… What is it?"

"It’s a tie. See, ya loop it around you neck and knot it up tight. Then you look nice when you get dressed up!"

"I… usually… don’t get dressed up beside my battle suit. Who is this character portrayed on this…’tie’?"

"It’s Buzz Lightyear from that Toy Story movie."

"Uhmm, haven’t seen it yet. You really didn’t have to do this, Willie. I didn’t get you anything."

Well, the Dollar Store was having a sale and I thought ‘what the heck’! I can do something for my… favorite… regular. Also, the boss wanted you to know that he’s canceling your tab…"

"WOO HOO! This is the best Christmas ever! Thanks a bunch, Willie! Grape drops for everyone! And I’ll wear this ‘tie’ everywhere go."

"Instead of a grape drop, ya wanna try a Christmas drink, Mr. Thanos?"

"Sure Willie, I’m in such a good mood, I’ll drink anything."

"You remind me of that Grim guy… Here, try this."

"What is it?"

"It’s egg-nog. A traditional Christmas drink. And I even added a grape to it for ya!"

"Willie, you’re the greatest! I’m gonna tell all my friends about the Infinity Saloon… The Abomination, Juggernaut, Super-Skrull, The Sphinx, Ricky Martin, Magneto, The Lizard, Carnage, Kurse, Graviton…"

"…Uhnn, maybe it’d be better if’n ya didn’t…"

"Aron, Champion, Wayne Newton…"

"STOP right there!"

"Huh?"

"That jerk Newton still owes me from the last fight he caused in here!"

"He’s been to the Infinity Saloon? Did he play an impromptu concert? A small, quiet set for just his close friends? And I missed it?"

"Naw, One of his songs came on the jukebox and The Blob went bananas! Tore the whole place up! Said that Newton makes him break out in hives or something. If I ever get my hands on him…"

"Oh, ok. Well, down the hatch!" Thanos pours the Egg-nog down his throat and his eyes immediately go vacant. Then his head slumps forward and crashes on the bar. "Maybe I should have told him that I spiked it with Southern Comfort…"


"Where am I?"

"You’re at the North Pole, you purple butthead."

"What manner of creature are you? You look like a long-legged dog…"

"I’M A REINDEER! You’re talking to the most famous reindeer of all."

"Must be dreaming."

"I’m Rudolph! I guide Santa’s sleigh."

"Please stop yelling. Musta been that egg-stuff…"

"’Least I used to be the most famous reindeer of all… Now I gotta share the spotlight with my brother…"

"Brother?"

"Randolph. Santa has us BOTH leading his sleigh. He gets all tanked up on gin and flies like a maniac. Then he used us as turn signals… If he tugs left, I’m supposed to blink, If he tugs right, Randolph’s supposed to blink. Then he makes these ‘vrmm, vrmmm’ sounds and pretends he’s in the Indianapolis 500"

"I don’t ‘member no brother. And I watched some of those shows, too."

Then he trapped a bunch of lightning bugs. Told ‘em that he’d only give them coal unless they did what he wanted…"

"Lightning bugs…?"

"Santa has them cling to the back of the sleigh… Blinking out messages like: I Only Work One Day A Year, and Elves Are Gay, I Know!, And I’ll Have My Reindeer Poop On You!, and Santa Spoken Here, and You’re On My BAD List, and Coal For Everyone, and Santa’s The Baddest Of Them All!, and Melt Frosty, Santa All The Way!, and Bah Humbug, You Buttholes…"

"Doesn’t sound like the Santa I’ve heard about…"

"The bugs get him back! When he’s not looking the bugs change their message to Santa Smokes Dope, and Santa’s A Christmas Turkey, and Make Bugs, Not War, and We Don’t Have Enough Bugs To Tell You To All Go To He…"

"This HAS to be dream… I’m just gonna lie down here in this pile of straw and take a nap…"

Thanos hears as he’s drifting off: "Hey! You butthead! That’s my straw! Get up! At least don’t wet the bed…"


"Ok, now where am I?"

"YOU HAVE BEEN CALLED BEFORE THE LIVING TRIBUNAL FOR ULTIMATE JUDGEMENT, THANOS OF TITAN."

"Maybe this isn’t a dream this time."

YOU STAND ACCUSED OF NOT PAYING YOUR BAR TAB!"

"Then again…"

"WE, THE FOUR FACES OF THE LIVING TRIBUNAL STAND IN AGREEMENT."

"Four? I thought there was only three. Maybe I’d better take a look under that sheet."

"NO ONE MAY TOUCH THE COSMIC HAND TOWEL OF THE LIVING TRIBUNAL! BACK, THANOS, I’M WARNING YOU…"

"Just a little peek… OH MY GOD! Who the hell are you?"

"I know you are but what am I?"

"Huh?"

"Have you seen my bike?"

"Excuse me?"

"I’m a rebel, Dottie. A loner."

"You’re a damned weirdo! Here, Tribunal, you can have your hankie back! Now, punch me back into unconsciousness. PLEASE."

"THE WILL OF THE TRIBUNAL IS NOT TO BE IGNORED. FOR PEEKING UNDER THE SCARED WASH CLOTH, YOU WILL HAVE YOUR TAB RE-INSTATED, THEN YOU WILL BE RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS."

"This has got to be a dream. Stupid Tribunal!"

Thanos hears as he drifts away: "HAVE YOU SEEN MY NECK…"


"Monster, how came you to hell?"

"Now where am I?"

"You are in my domain, now. What is your name?"

Thanos looks at the speaker. "HOLY COW!"
"Well, Mr. Holycow, your stay in Hell will be a painful one…"

"My name isn’t ‘Holycow’, it’s Thanos. What’s your name?"

"I am Lady Death."

"Are you any relation to my mistress? She just goes by the name of… Death."

"I guess we could be cousins."

"You sure don’t look like here. At all!"

"Tell me, Thanos… Am I better looking than your mistress?"

"Well… You have bigger…"

"Yes?"

"A bigger sword than she does! This is one dream that I hope I don’t wake up from…"

"You’re dreaming?"

"I… think so… I drank this egg-stuff that Willie gave me…"

"Willie from the Infinity Saloon?"

"Yes. That Willie. I think he spiked it or something. I, uhm, have a weak stomach, cause of my Eternal heritage…"

"I danced for Jeff at the Infinity Saloon once. Weirdest place in the universe. I’m NEVER going back there."

"It’s not so bad. Just the other day I was talking to Elvis…"

"Elvis is in my kingdom. He’s been dead for years."

"No, he isn’t. I saw him at a gas station two years ago. Then he was in the Saloon."

"He’s dead. I know he’s dead. I killed him myself. Fat, bloated waste of peanut butter…"

"But I’ve seen him everywhere!"

"Those are impersonators. If I tried to kill all of them, I’d never get any sleep."

"Sleep sounds good. I think I’ll sleep right here on this pile of duck bones."

"Those are the bones of Howard the Duck. I’m going to kill the Punisher and Captain America. And If the X-Men movie is bad, they’ll all die, too…"


"Now where am I?"

"You are at the North Pole, my friend."

"Are you…? Are you… Santa Claus?"

"Yes, I am."

"I’ve heard some bad things about you."

"Ho Ho Ho. Don’t believe everything your sub-conscious tells you."

"But I heard that you were an evil jerk!"

"Ho Ho Ho. Nope. You just dreamed that."

"Am I still dreaming?"

"Ho Ho Ho. Yes you are. But I can still give you a present, none the less."

"Really? What is it? The Starbrand? The Infinity Gems? A Cosmic Cube?"

"No, nothing as grand as that. Here, open it carefully…"

"I know. Don’t rip presents in half. It’s… It’s an ornament. I saw them on the tree at the Saloon. It’s… Beautiful!"

"It is supposed to symbolize the true spirit of Christmas, Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men…"

"And galactic conquest?"

"Ho Ho Ho. No, not that. I want you to have a merry Christmas, Thanos. And remember, you still have the number one position on my bad list!"

"Thank you. I’m getting so sleepy."

"Good bye, Thanos. Remember: peace, PEACE!"

"Bye, Santa…"


"Mr. Thanos, wake up. It’s almost closing time. You missed the whole party. All them chat guys were here. There was Morfex and Mystic, Grim and Otter, Lord Thanos and CosmicJames, Janus and Azmodi, Harker and Silver Spider, Rai and Weezies, RedNorvell and mdg, Starhawk and Galan, Brother Voodoo and Powerpax, Omniac and Dylan. Some of the guys from the message board were here as well: NME & Conqueror, Wayopex and Thunder, Black Celestial and Stratus, The Good Doctor and Prime Eternal, Al B. Harper and The Mighty Nana, Peter and The Yellow Claw, * and TheBigGiantHead, Titanos and PoRcH, and Frank From Bayonne. There were even cards and notes from some of the fans of CPU. There were LOTS of people here and I’m SURE I haven’t listed everyone, Mr. Thanos. You shoulda been here to see for yourself."

"I saw Santa Claus…He gave me this…" Thanos holds up his ornament. It’s a clear sphere with six glowing points of light shining inside "

"It sure is pretty. I like the way those lights inside twinkle. Where do you plug it in?"

"I think it has it’s own energy, Willie. Can I hang it here?"

"Ya sure can, Mr. Thanos. It’ll look real nice on the tree. Kinda gives it a spirit of power, reality, mind, soul, time and space, don’t ‘cha think?"

"Yes, I do, Willie. And I think the tree at the Infinity Saloon is the best place for it.

"Ya know, Mr. Thanos, even though I’ve had to rebuild the bar a couple o’ dozen times ‘cause of you; I still feel like I’ve got to know you well."

"I enjoy hanging out here, Willie."

"I just wanted to wish you the best of holidays, Thanos."

"You too, Willie, you, too…"


Author’s note: I would like to take this time to wish everyone who reads this the best of holidays! I’ve said it before, but I like to say it again: The SSMB has brought me into contact with friends I didn’t know I had. Like minded souls (if you want to be compared with me!) in the spirit of cosmic comics and stories. To all the people who have read my stories and enjoyed them, I can only say ‘Thank You"; to anyone I’ve ever offended in any way, I can only apologize and promise to try and not do it again.

To everyone: I wish happiness, good times, and prosperity in the future, (Y2K withstanding!)!

May you love every comic you read and may every story you write touch the heart and soul of the reader. Grim (Don)

Editor's Note: Leave comments below!  And sign up for the upcoming Drunk Thanos Uncut Collection featuring Thanos vs. Beavis (must be 17 years or older or have the consent of parents to subscribe).  Subscribe by saying so and leaving e-mail address below or by e-mailing cpufeedback@yahoo.com

Now go read Drunk Thanos #6!


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Issue #12 Cover Cosmic Powers Unlimited #12 Your Letters
and Comments
Cosmic Union #12 POTU: Captain Marvel #1 Tales of the Timeless #10 Drunk Thanos #5:
Christmas Special
Elders Quest
Chapter 6
Midnight Sun #2 Eccentric Orbits #2 A Mirror For Mantra Chapter 4
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