Drunk Thanos #5
Written by Grim and edited by Marvelite
"A DRUNK THANOS CHRISTMAS"
CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A PG-13 AUDIENCE
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!
"Willie, whats with all this stuff?"
"Ah, jeeze, Mr. Thanos Ya scared the poop outta me! How you keep getting in here?"
"My belt buckle allows my to fold space and travel the pan-dimensional, intersecting quantum energies "
"Oh. Why didnt ya say that inna first place?"
"I did. Is there a celebration going on? Did you finally ban those chat guys for life?"
"No, Mr. Thanos. These are Christmas decorations."
"An Earthly custom, I presume?"
"Thats right. All the peoples of the planet gather together and celebrate not being devoured by Galactus."
"Huh? Strange custom!"
"Actually, we celebrate friends and family. Here, I even got you a little somethin."
"Aww, jeeze, Willie You didnt have to do that. Whats in it?"
"You have to open it and find out." Thanos rips the package in two and examines whats left.
"Uhmmm Most people shake it first and try to guess whats inside."
"Oops. Uhmmm What is it?"
"Its a tie. See, ya loop it around you neck and knot it up tight. Then you look nice when you get dressed up!"
"I usually dont get dressed up beside my battle suit. Who is this character portrayed on this tie?"
"Its Buzz Lightyear from that Toy Story movie."
"Uhmm, havent seen it yet. You really didnt have to do this, Willie. I didnt get you anything."
Well, the Dollar Store was having a sale and I thought what the heck! I can do something for my favorite regular. Also, the boss wanted you to know that hes canceling your tab "
"WOO HOO! This is the best Christmas ever! Thanks a bunch, Willie! Grape drops for everyone! And Ill wear this tie everywhere go."
"Instead of a grape drop, ya wanna try a Christmas drink, Mr. Thanos?"
"Sure Willie, Im in such a good mood, Ill drink anything."
"You remind me of that Grim guy Here, try this."
"What is it?"
"Its egg-nog. A traditional Christmas drink. And I even added a grape to it for ya!"
"Willie, youre the greatest! Im gonna tell all my friends about the Infinity Saloon The Abomination, Juggernaut, Super-Skrull, The Sphinx, Ricky Martin, Magneto, The Lizard, Carnage, Kurse, Graviton "
" Uhnn, maybe itd be better ifn ya didnt "
"Aron, Champion, Wayne Newton "
"STOP right there!"
"That jerk Newton still owes me from the last fight he caused in here!"
"Hes been to the Infinity Saloon? Did he play an impromptu concert? A small, quiet set for just his close friends? And I missed it?"
"Naw, One of his songs came on the jukebox and The Blob went bananas! Tore the whole place up! Said that Newton makes him break out in hives or something. If I ever get my hands on him "
"Oh, ok. Well, down the hatch!" Thanos pours the Egg-nog down his throat and his eyes immediately go vacant. Then his head slumps forward and crashes on the bar. "Maybe I should have told him that I spiked it with Southern Comfort "
"Where am I?"
"Youre at the North Pole, you purple butthead."
"What manner of creature are you? You look like a long-legged dog "
"IM A REINDEER! Youre talking to the most famous reindeer of all."
"Must be dreaming."
"Im Rudolph! I guide Santas sleigh."
"Please stop yelling. Musta been that egg-stuff "
"Least I used to be the most famous reindeer of all Now I gotta share the spotlight with my brother "
"Randolph. Santa has us BOTH leading his sleigh. He gets all tanked up on gin and flies like a maniac. Then he used us as turn signals If he tugs left, Im supposed to blink, If he tugs right, Randolphs supposed to blink. Then he makes these vrmm, vrmmm sounds and pretends hes in the Indianapolis 500"
"I dont member no brother. And I watched some of those shows, too."
Then he trapped a bunch of lightning bugs. Told em that hed only give them coal unless they did what he wanted "
"Lightning bugs ?"
"Santa has them cling to the back of the sleigh Blinking out messages like: I Only Work One Day A Year, and Elves Are Gay, I Know!, And Ill Have My Reindeer Poop On You!, and Santa Spoken Here, and Youre On My BAD List, and Coal For Everyone, and Santas The Baddest Of Them All!, and Melt Frosty, Santa All The Way!, and Bah Humbug, You Buttholes "
"Doesnt sound like the Santa Ive heard about "
"The bugs get him back! When hes not looking the bugs change their message to Santa Smokes Dope, and Santas A Christmas Turkey, and Make Bugs, Not War, and We Dont Have Enough Bugs To Tell You To All Go To He "
"This HAS to be dream Im just gonna lie down here in this pile of straw and take a nap "
Thanos hears as hes drifting off: "Hey! You butthead! Thats my straw! Get up! At least dont wet the bed "
"Ok, now where am I?"
"YOU HAVE BEEN CALLED BEFORE THE LIVING TRIBUNAL FOR ULTIMATE JUDGEMENT, THANOS OF TITAN."
"Maybe this isnt a dream this time."
YOU STAND ACCUSED OF NOT PAYING YOUR BAR TAB!"
"Then again "
"WE, THE FOUR FACES OF THE LIVING TRIBUNAL STAND IN AGREEMENT."
"Four? I thought there was only three. Maybe Id better take a look under that sheet."
"NO ONE MAY TOUCH THE COSMIC HAND TOWEL OF THE LIVING TRIBUNAL! BACK, THANOS, IM WARNING YOU "
"Just a little peek OH MY GOD! Who the hell are you?"
"I know you are but what am I?"
"Have you seen my bike?"
"Im a rebel, Dottie. A loner."
"Youre a damned weirdo! Here, Tribunal, you can have your hankie back! Now, punch me back into unconsciousness. PLEASE."
"THE WILL OF THE TRIBUNAL IS NOT TO BE IGNORED. FOR PEEKING UNDER THE SCARED WASH CLOTH, YOU WILL HAVE YOUR TAB RE-INSTATED, THEN YOU WILL BE RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS."
"This has got to be a dream. Stupid Tribunal!"
Thanos hears as he drifts away: "HAVE YOU SEEN MY NECK "
"Monster, how came you to hell?"
"Now where am I?"
"You are in my domain, now. What is your name?"
Thanos looks at the speaker. "HOLY COW!"
"Well, Mr. Holycow, your stay in Hell will be a painful one "
"My name isnt Holycow, its Thanos. Whats your name?"
"I am Lady Death."
"Are you any relation to my mistress? She just goes by the name of Death."
"I guess we could be cousins."
"You sure dont look like here. At all!"
"Tell me, Thanos Am I better looking than your mistress?"
"Well You have bigger "
"A bigger sword than she does! This is one dream that I hope I dont wake up from "
"I think so I drank this egg-stuff that Willie gave me "
"Willie from the Infinity Saloon?"
"Yes. That Willie. I think he spiked it or something. I, uhm, have a weak stomach, cause of my Eternal heritage "
"I danced for Jeff at the Infinity Saloon once. Weirdest place in the universe. Im NEVER going back there."
"Its not so bad. Just the other day I was talking to Elvis "
"Elvis is in my kingdom. Hes been dead for years."
"No, he isnt. I saw him at a gas station two years ago. Then he was in the Saloon."
"Hes dead. I know hes dead. I killed him myself. Fat, bloated waste of peanut butter "
"But Ive seen him everywhere!"
"Those are impersonators. If I tried to kill all of them, Id never get any sleep."
"Sleep sounds good. I think Ill sleep right here on this pile of duck bones."
"Those are the bones of Howard the Duck. Im going to kill the Punisher and Captain America. And If the X-Men movie is bad, theyll all die, too "
"Now where am I?"
"You are at the North Pole, my friend."
"Are you ? Are you Santa Claus?"
"Yes, I am."
"Ive heard some bad things about you."
"Ho Ho Ho. Dont believe everything your sub-conscious tells you."
"But I heard that you were an evil jerk!"
"Ho Ho Ho. Nope. You just dreamed that."
"Am I still dreaming?"
"Ho Ho Ho. Yes you are. But I can still give you a present, none the less."
"Really? What is it? The Starbrand? The Infinity Gems? A Cosmic Cube?"
"No, nothing as grand as that. Here, open it carefully "
"I know. Dont rip presents in half. Its Its an ornament. I saw them on the tree at the Saloon. Its Beautiful!"
"It is supposed to symbolize the true spirit of Christmas, Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men "
"And galactic conquest?"
"Ho Ho Ho. No, not that. I want you to have a merry Christmas, Thanos. And remember, you still have the number one position on my bad list!"
"Thank you. Im getting so sleepy."
"Good bye, Thanos. Remember: peace, PEACE!"
"Bye, Santa "
"Mr. Thanos, wake up. Its almost closing time. You missed the whole party. All them chat guys were here. There was Morfex and Mystic, Grim and Otter, Lord Thanos and CosmicJames, Janus and Azmodi, Harker and Silver Spider, Rai and Weezies, RedNorvell and mdg, Starhawk and Galan, Brother Voodoo and Powerpax, Omniac and Dylan. Some of the guys from the message board were here as well: NME & Conqueror, Wayopex and Thunder, Black Celestial and Stratus, The Good Doctor and Prime Eternal, Al B. Harper and The Mighty Nana, Peter and The Yellow Claw, * and TheBigGiantHead, Titanos and PoRcH, and Frank From Bayonne. There were even cards and notes from some of the fans of CPU. There were LOTS of people here and Im SURE I havent listed everyone, Mr. Thanos. You shoulda been here to see for yourself."
"I saw Santa Claus He gave me this " Thanos holds up his ornament. Its a clear sphere with six glowing points of light shining inside "
"It sure is pretty. I like the way those lights inside twinkle. Where do you plug it in?"
"I think it has its own energy, Willie. Can I hang it here?"
"Ya sure can, Mr. Thanos. Itll look real nice on the tree. Kinda gives it a spirit of power, reality, mind, soul, time and space, dont cha think?"
"Yes, I do, Willie. And I think the tree at the Infinity Saloon is the best place for it.
"Ya know, Mr. Thanos, even though Ive had to rebuild the bar a couple o dozen times cause of you; I still feel like Ive got to know you well."
"I enjoy hanging out here, Willie."
"I just wanted to wish you the best of holidays, Thanos."
"You too, Willie, you, too "
Authors note: I would like to take this time to wish everyone who reads this the best of holidays! Ive said it before, but I like to say it again: The SSMB has brought me into contact with friends I didnt know I had. Like minded souls (if you want to be compared with me!) in the spirit of cosmic comics and stories. To all the people who have read my stories and enjoyed them, I can only say Thank You"; to anyone Ive ever offended in any way, I can only apologize and promise to try and not do it again.
To everyone: I wish happiness, good times, and prosperity in the future, (Y2K withstanding!)!
May you love every comic you read and may every story you write touch the heart and soul of the reader. Grim (Don)
Editor's Note: Leave comments below! And sign up for the upcoming Drunk Thanos Uncut Collection featuring Thanos vs. Beavis (must be 17 years or older or have the consent of parents to subscribe). Subscribe by saying so and leaving e-mail address below or by e-mailing firstname.lastname@example.org
Now go read Drunk Thanos #6!
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