Drunk Thanos #2

Written by Grim and edited by Marvelite
Published by the Cosmic Powers Fan Fiction Group in
THE COSMIC POWERS UNLIMITED FANZINE ISSUE #7

Characters are parodies based off characters of Marvel Comics
Click here for black&white text version (good for printing!)

"THANOS VISITS THE COSMIC POWERS CHAT ROOM"

CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A PG-13 AUDIENCE


"Hello again, Mr. Thanos."

Thanos sits gingerly on the bar stool. "I require a liquid refreshment. And none of your small talk!"

"Sure thing, Mr. Thanos. One lite beer coming up."

Uhhh, I ask that you add some… water to the beverage… My Eternal heritage… uhhh… strong beverages…"

"Here ya go Mr. Thanos. I forgot yer a lightweight."

Jumping to his feet; "NO ONE calls Thanos a LIGHTWEIGHT!"

Aww, jeeze, Mr. Thanos; I didn’t mean nothin’ by that. Take it easy, now. It’s on the house, ok?" Thanos sits back down. I’ll be back in a sec, Mr. Thanos, That writers group is here and I got to take their orders.

"*snicker* I get more free beers that way!"


"What is this ‘writers group’ that is causing all the ruckus over there? And bring me another one of those ‘lite beers’"

"Sure thing, Mr. Thanos. Here ya go. I already dropped some ice in it for ya. Those writer guys over there. They come in here like clockwork every Tuesday ‘bout 9:00. Always discussing them comical books and superheroes and that sort of stuff."

"Hmmmm… I’ve met a great deal of those ‘heroes’ in my day. Maybe I’ll walk over and introduce myself."

"Why don’t cha do that, Mr. Thanos. They’d probably like all them fancy stories you got. That one ‘bout you an’ that witchlock guy fightin’ over a glove still tickles me."

"It was Warlock. And it was a Gauntlet that gave me… Why do I bother?" Turns and walks over to the writers table.

"What seems to be the topic of discussion"?, asks Thanos.

"Uhhh…", says Mystic.

"Uhh…", says Starhawk.

"Uhmm…", says Anomaly.

"Ummm…", says Harker.

"Uhmmm…", says Morfex, "I’m the… Moderator and we…"

"Uhhh… ", says Brother Voodoo, "We’re talking about…"

"Uhhh…", says Marvelite, "Is it really him?"

"Hey guys", says Grim, "I finally showed up to chat. Thanos, What are you doing here?"

"Grim, I heard that these guys were discussing ‘heroes’ and was going to set them straight about who is a ‘hero’ and who isn’t! Normally, I have bowling on Tuesday’s but we took this week off, so I decided to stop in here and have a cold one."

"Hey, glad you’re here, Thanos. Sit down and have a beer with the guys and I’ll introduce ya to them. They’re a great bunch of people and they have the utmost respect for you."

"Humph…", says Starhawk, choking on a swallow of beer.

"Welllll, except for him. That’s Starhawk. He is… uhnnn…kinda… a… Thor fan."

"How’s the hammer hanging, ‘hawk …And by the way, I could stomp Thor any day of the week. Even on Thorsday. Get it? Thorsday? Ahhhh, it must take an Eternal sense of humor. Oh, and Grim… I gave your ‘message’ to spacedout.

"Aw, jeeze… You didn’t put him in the hospital or nothing, did you? I just told you to warn him about giving me directions on where to put things."

"No, I just delivered the message."

"Good. I told ya not to hurt him."

"Excuse me, Thanos… Can I call you Thanos? Or do you prefer Mr. Thanos?" asks Morfex.

"Thanos is fine. But I don’t answer no questions about Cubes or Gems! Does everyone understand!"

"Uhnnn, sure, Thanos… I was just going to ask you who was on your bowling team."

"And I want to know if you have 16 pound balls?" asks Harker.

"NO, THANOS! Sit down. He was asking about your bowling ball! Hey, Harker, why don’t you buy Thanos another beer for getting him riled up like that."

"Sure!" says Harker. Aside to Mystic: "Did you see the look he gave me? That ‘Eternal’ sense of humor must be pretty touchy."

"I was wondering who you bowl with, Thanos?" asks Mystic.

"I bowl with Terrax and the Thing on a three man team. Last week, that idiot Terrax used his axe to cut his ball in half… He heard that they have human heads inside. So, this week he had to use a house ball. And we lost to the team from the Daily Bugle. That Parker that bowls for them is a pretty good bowler. Now, what is the topic of discussion here?"

"There has been an ongoing discussion about sentience and computers that has been really, really interesting", says Grim.

"And we have been discussing a story some of us have been writing… about… comic stuff. And the sequels that we want to do to the story", says Morfex.

"Here’s your beer, Thanos. Sorry about the joke, earlier."

"All is forgiven because you got me a Molsen. I enjoy the Canadian stuff; but usually it’s a little too strong for my Eternal stomach."

"Do Eternals have three stomachs, like cows?"

"DARN IT, Harker, You’re gonna get us all killed. Will you just stick to the topic at hand. Everyone sits back down.

"Hey guys", says Spacedout. "I’ve been over at the bar and… Yikes! What the Hell is he doing here? Keep away from me, you purple madman!"

"Sit down, Spacedout. I hold no hard feeling against you. I was just delivering a message from my buddy Grim."

"Uhh… Ok. No hard feeling. Is that a joke about where I hit you with my pool cue?"

"NO. Thanos doesn’t joke about low-blows."

"Anyway", says Spacedout sitting down slowly while keeping a wary eye on Thanos, "I was over at the bar and this beautiful woman walked in so I bought her a beer. She gave me her phone number and told me to come visit her sometime. I’m not sure if I’m gonna do it though…"

"Why’s that?"

"Well, she also said that EVERYONE comes to see her eventually. She was hot, but she might be a slut or something."

"All chicks are sluts", says Mystic with a chuckle.

"MY MISTRESS IS NOT A TRAMP."

"Hey, Mr. Thanos. You quiet down over there and leave them chat guys alone. Or I’ll have Jack throw you out on your butt again."

"Darn bouncer! Always giving me a hard time."

Spacedout then stands up from his seat, "I’m gonna go over and see if that chick is still here." Spacedout leaves the chatroom and goes over to the bar.

"Excuse me, Thanos, I was wondering about any martial training that you may have had?" asks Anomaly.

"I haven’t had any specific training, just the kind that comes with countless battles. I prefer to use my brain instead of my fists. If you’ve had some training; maybe we could spar sometime?"

"Uhnnn… That would be ok… except… you’re 7 feet tall and weigh over 800 pounds."

"Let me get a few more of these ‘lite beers’ in me. Then we’ll have a fair match."

"Uhhh… here… let me buy you a bottle of gasoline. After you drink that, I might go a round with you."

"Oops, gotta go everyone", says Brother Voodoo. "It’s 9:00 and I have to get home and get the kids to bed. Nice to meet ‘cha, Thanos."

"Same here. You take care of those kids. I had a step-daughter once."

"What happened to her, Thanos?", asks Morfex.

"It was like something out of a soap opera, NOT that mighty Thanos watches soap operas, but she fell in love with my… nemesis."

"That’s a sad story, Thanos. Here, let me go get you another beer. Grim goes to the bar.

"So, Thanos", begins Mystic, "Who would win between you and the Hulk."

"I beat him just last week! I had a 600 bowling and he could only score 480. My team is way over his in the standings. It takes forever to bowl against them because he is ALL three members of his team. By the time he turns from Banner into the Hulk our team is almost done and then from the green Hulk to the gray Hulk… It just takes forever, And the gray Hulk is always over at the snack bar getting hamburgers. Funny, he eats a ton of hamburgers, but I never

see him use the bathroom."

Pandemonium ensues at Thanos’ comment. Mystic flips his chair over

backwards onto the floor and narrowly avoids getting a concussion. Grim, just getting back from the bar with a pitcher of beer, trips on Mystic’s chair and pours the beer down Thanos’ back. Thanos lets out a scream and shoots eye-beams out and, just missing Anomaly, destroys the neon Coors sign hanging on the wall. Jack the bouncer arrives at the table and inform everyone that it’s time to leave.

Everyone gets up off the floor and Thanos says, "Let’s go back to my place. My mistress isn’t home. She has aerobics on Tuesdays. I’ll meet you outside. I have to visit the little Eternal’s room first." They all walk out of the bar and see Spacedout making out with a girl in the back of a car.

Everyone starts yelling. "Go Spacedout! You can do it!"

Thanos walks out and asks "What everyone yelling about?"

Spacedout is making out with a chick in this car."

"Where?… OHMYGOD! That’s my mistress!" Rips the roof off the car. "You will die for this, Spacedout."

"Like I would spar with someone who could do that!" says Anomaly.

"NO THANOS. No one will die today. What are you doing here? I thought you had bowling tonight."

"And I thought you had aerobics tonight. You told me that was how you stayed skin and bones, was aerobics. "

"Oh, Thanos. You are always so possessive. I was just having some fun. C’mon and take me home. I’ll put on that little black nighty that you like…"

"You always wear black… It’s kinda… morbid… but I like that in a woman."  He then takes Death by the arm and starts to walk her home.

"C’mon guys let’s get out of here while we can."


Now go read Drunk Thanos #3!!  But first, send us your comments below.  And be sure to come to our weekly Cosmic Powers chats, starting at 9:00 PM EST every Tuesday in the Cosmic Powers Chat Room!


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Cosmic Union Issue #7 Powers Cosmic Issue #2 POTU Spotlight #4: WILD SMILE Supergirl: The Resurrection Chapter 4 Drunk Thanos #2
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