DRUNK THANOS vs. DRUNK DARKSEID

By Shadowstar

Thanos steps into the Infinity Saloon, but what he finds inside is totally different. The place is . . . darker. The stench of death and decay fills the air, as well as the aroma of burning sulfur from outside. He admits that he likes the décor, but damnit! It's just not the same!

Though what Thanos doesn't realize is that he's just taken a left turn from reality and entered the Freaky Zone! (Do-do-do-do)

He walks up to the bar and slams his fists down. "Hey Willie! What'cha done with the place?"

"Awww, geez, Mr. Darkseid," whines Willie, though this time much to Thanos' perplexment. "How didja manage to sneak past Jack this time?"

"Mr. Darkseid?" Thanos jumps back in mock horror. "I must be in some sort of Bizarro-World!"

"No, Mr. Darkseid. That's the bar down the street. This here is the Apokolips Saloon, your favorite drinking hole, remember?"

"Er . . . sure. Could I get a grape drop over here?"

"Are you sure you haven't been drinking already, Mr. Darkseid?"

"Of course not! If I was I wouldn't need to come in here, would I?"

"Hasn't stopped you before, Mr. Darkseid."

"DAMNIT! Why do you keep calling me Mr. Darkseid!?"

"Well that's who you are, isn't it Mr. Darkseid? Lord of Apokolips? Father of that Orion fella?"

"Orion? Who the hell is Orion?"

"I am Orion, father," proclaims a voice from the door to the Apokolips Saloon. Thanos turns to face the New God Orion with Superman, Batman, the Flash, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, Aquaman and the Martian Manhunter. "Along with the Justice League of America I will end your tyranny once and for all as it was prophesied!"

"Awww, geez, Mr. Orion! Why is it that every time you come here you and yer friends, trash my saloon? . . . I'm just a man trying to run a business."

The JLA run around the bar frantically, picking up tables and chairs smashing them. Orion steps up to Thanos bravely. "Come, father. This ends here and now!"

"Hey kiddo. Why do you hate me so much anyway?"

"You are the pinnacle of evil in this universe, and you have to be destroyed!"

"So?"

"You’re my father, and I HATE YOU!"

"So? Every kid hates their parents!"

"I don't," cries Batman from the corner.

"Shut up, ya big mommy's boy!" yells Orion. "You never played catch with me! You never brought be a puppy! You got me a hell-hound, but you killed it!"

"Damn, that's pretty bad."

"YOU EVEN GAVE ME AWAY TO NEW GENESIS AND DIDN'T CARE!"

"That's not true! I got traded Mr. Miracle, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but you treated him like crap," Orion sobs. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" Orion stomps his feet on the ground, screams and runs out the door like a little baby, with the JLA trailing behind.

"Well, that was weird."

"Hey, Willie. Get me a grape drop would ya?" Waitaminute . . . that voice sounds familiar . . . "And make it quick. I got a hot chick waiting for me in the car!"

Thanos turns on his stool to see . . . *gasp* DARKSEID!

"ARGH! I'm seeing double!" screams Willie. "I can see four Mr. Darkseids!"

"What!?" The Lord of Apokolips grabs Thanos by his costume. "Who are you to pretend to be Darkseid the Destroyer!?"

"Hey, buddy! I'm no Darkseid! I'm Thanos, and I'm nothing like you!"

"At least you won't be when the OMEGA EFFECT is through with you!" Darkseid fires his Omega Beams from his eyes, though nothing appears to be happening to his double. "DAMNIT!"

"Hey! That kinda tickles!"

"DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT!"

"Hey, are you alright?"

"No I'm not alright!" bellows Darkseid. "My Omega Beams haven't worked for decades! They didn't work on Superman, they didn't work on Parallax, they didn't work on Doomsday . . . hell, they didn't even work on that stupid hell-hound I got for that bastard son of mine, Orion! Keep pissing in my rose bushes will ya . . ."

"Well, there is one way we could settle this . . ."

"What do you suggest?"

HALF AN HOUR AND 25 GRAPE DROPS EACH LATER . . .

"I'm gonna *hic* whoop yer butt Dark . . . *hic* . . . seid!"

"Naw, I'm gonna *hic* whoop yer butt Thanos . . . *hic* !"

"Awww, geez you two! You's still arm-wrestlin'? How many rounds yous gone through now?"

"We're . . . still on our . . . first," slurs Darkseid with another hic.

"Awww, geez, Mr. Darkseid! Isn't there some other way you two could find out who the better man is?"

"Well, there is one way . . ." ponders Thanos.

"Howzat?" asks Darkseid.

"No guys, not that, anything but that!" Drunk Darkseid and Drunk Thanos stand up and both drop their pants to find out who the better man is. "NOOOOOOOOO!"

LATER, AFTER TWO INDECENT EXPOSURE CHARGES AND A TRIP TO COUNTY LOCK-UP . . .

"This was all your fault!" bellows Darkseid.

"No, this was all your fault!" bellows Thanos.

"Hey, are you two related?" asks a curious guard.

"NO!!!" both yell back in unison.

"Darkseid!" calls a guard. "Your girlfriend just made bail. You're okay to go."

Darkseid's cell is unlocked and he is lead out to the parking lot. Thanos looks out of the bars to see Darkseid jumping into a car with his new girlfriend . . . "MISTRESS DEATH!?"

"Catch you later, 'brother'," taunts Darkseid as the two speed off into the night.

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