Drunk Thanos vs. Drunk Darkseid
Written by Shadowstar, Edited by Marvelite
CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!
THANOS vs. DRUNK DARKSEID
Thanos steps into the Infinity Saloon,
but what he finds inside is totally different. The place is . . . darker. The
stench of death and decay fills the air, as well as the aroma of burning sulfur
from outside. He admits that he likes the décor, but damnit! It's just not the
Though what Thanos doesn't realize is
that he's just taken a left turn from reality and entered the Freaky Zone!
He walks up to the bar and slams his
fists down. "Hey Willie! What'cha done with the place?"
"Awww, geez, Mr. Darkseid,"
whines Willie, though this time much to Thanos' perplexment. "How didja
manage to sneak past Jack this time?"
"Mr. Darkseid?" Thanos jumps
back in mock horror. "I must be in some sort of Bizarro-World!"
"No, Mr. Darkseid. That's the bar
down the street. This here is the Apokolips Saloon, your favorite drinking hole,
"Er . . . sure. Could I get a
grape drop over here?"
"Are you sure you haven't been
drinking already, Mr. Darkseid?"
"Of course not! If I was I
wouldn't need to come in here, would I?"
"Hasn't stopped you before, Mr.
"DAMNIT! Why do you keep calling
me Mr. Darkseid!?"
"Well that's who you are, isn't
it Mr. Darkseid? Lord of Apokolips? Father of that Orion fella?"
"Orion? Who the hell is
"I am Orion, father,"
proclaims a voice from the door to the Apokolips Saloon. Thanos turns to face
the New God Orion with Superman, Batman, the Flash, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman,
Aquaman and the Martian Manhunter. "Along with the Justice League of
America I will end your tyranny once and for all as it was prophesied!"
"Awww, geez, Mr. Orion! Why is it
that every time you come here you and yer friends, trash my saloon? . . . I'm
just a man trying to run a business."
The JLA run around the bar
frantically, picking up tables and chairs smashing them. Orion steps up to
Thanos bravely. "Come, father. This ends here and now!"
"Hey kiddo. Why do you hate me so
"You are the pinnacle of evil in
this universe, and you have to be destroyed!"
"You’re my father, and I HATE
"So? Every kid hates their
"I don't," cries Batman from
"Shut up, ya big mommy's
boy!" yells Orion. "You never played catch with me! You never brought
be a puppy! You got me a hell-hound, but you killed it!"
"Damn, that's pretty bad."
"YOU EVEN GAVE ME AWAY TO NEW
GENESIS AND DIDN'T CARE!"
"That's not true! I got traded
Mr. Miracle, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but you treated him like
crap," Orion sobs. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" Orion
stomps his feet on the ground, screams and runs out the door like a little baby,
with the JLA trailing behind.
"Well, that was weird."
"Hey, Willie. Get me a grape drop
would ya?" Waitaminute . . . that voice sounds familiar . . . "And
make it quick. I got a hot chick waiting for me in the car!"
Thanos turns on his stool to see . . .
"ARGH! I'm seeing double!"
screams Willie. "I can see four Mr. Darkseids!"
"What!?" The Lord of
Apokolips grabs Thanos by his costume. "Who are you to pretend to be
Darkseid the Destroyer!?"
"Hey, buddy! I'm no Darkseid! I'm
Thanos, and I'm nothing like you!"
"At least you won't be when the
OMEGA EFFECT is through with you!" Darkseid fires his Omega Beams from his
eyes, though nothing appears to be happening to his double. "DAMNIT!"
"Hey! That kinda tickles!"
"DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT!"
"Hey, are you alright?"
"No I'm not alright!"
bellows Darkseid. "My Omega Beams haven't worked for decades! They didn't
work on Superman, they didn't work on Parallax, they didn't work on Doomsday . .
. hell, they didn't even work on that stupid hell-hound I got for that bastard
son of mine, Orion! Keep pissing in my rose bushes will ya . . ."
"Well, there is one way we could
settle this . . ."
"What do you suggest?"
AN HOUR AND 25 GRAPE DROPS EACH LATER . . .
"I'm gonna *hic* whoop yer butt
Dark . . . *hic* . . . seid!"
"Naw, I'm gonna *hic* whoop yer
butt Thanos . . . *hic* !"
"Awww, geez you two! You's still
arm-wrestlin'? How many rounds yous gone through now?"
"We're . . . still on our . . .
first," slurs Darkseid with another hic.
"Awww, geez, Mr. Darkseid! Isn't
there some other way you two could find out who the better man is?"
"Well, there is one way . .
." ponders Thanos.
"Howzat?" asks Darkseid.
"No guys, not that, anything but
that!" Drunk Darkseid and Drunk Thanos stand up and both drop their pants
to find out who the better man is. "NOOOOOOOOO!"
AFTER TWO INDECENT EXPOSURE CHARGES AND A TRIP TO COUNTY LOCK-UP . . .
"This was all your fault!"
"No, this was all your
fault!" bellows Thanos.
"Hey, are you two related?"
asks a curious guard.
"NO!!!" both yell back in
"Darkseid!" calls a guard.
"Your girlfriend just made bail. You're okay to go."
Darkseid's cell is unlocked and he is
lead out to the parking lot. Thanos looks out of the bars to see Darkseid
jumping into a car with his new girlfriend . . . "MISTRESS DEATH!?"
"Catch you later,
'brother'," taunts Darkseid as the two speed off into the night.
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