Drunk Thanos #8

Guest-written by Janus and edited by Marvelite
Published by the Cosmic Powers Fan Fiction Group in
THE COSMIC POWERS UNLIMITED FANZINE ISSUE #16

Characters are parodies based off characters of Marvel Comics
Click here for black&white text version (good for printing!)

CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A PG-13 AUDIENCE
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!


In this episode, I don’t try to pass judgement on anyone’s sexual orientation. What you and your partner do in a bath-tub full of jello is your own business! Again everything is presented with HUMOR in mind… If you don’t like something, e-mail me at Grim@cysource.com. (Of course, if you do enjoy, you can also e-mail me, too!  Suggestions/story ideas always welcome!)


 "Thanos! Thanos of Titan! Are you in here?"

"Aw, Crap! I’m takin’ a leak. Who wants to know?"

"It is I, Norrin Radd, the Herald of Galactus, the Sentinel of the Spaceways, the… Silver Surfer."

"Aw, double-crap. Just leave me alone. That’s why I started coming to the Infinity Saloon… to get away from the likes of you. What do you want now?"

"I have brought someone from your past to visit you."

"Aw, crap. Who?" Steps out of stall and pauses with his mouth WIDE open. "What the heck happened to you?"

"I, uhhh… decided to, uhhh…, follow an alternate, uhhh…, lifestyle."

"But… But… You have earrings! I didn’t think that was possible! And a light blue bandanna tied around your neck…And that rainbow bumper sticker on your board that says ‘PRIDE’… and that swishy way of walking… You’re a Homer-sexual!"

"I am NOT Homer-sexual! My name is Norrin…I just… Well, I got a new roommate… and we… and…"

"Who’s your roommate? Northstar?"

"No. It’s… it’s… Firelord."

"Oh, god! I don’t even want to know what you two do with that staff of his! Ahhh… I bet I know what happened to you! Alone in space with a 30’ tall humanoid who wears a skirt… Along comes a officer in the Xander Navy…You two haven’t seen women in a LONG time…"

"That’s not how it was, Thanos."

"What rank did he hold in the Navy, Rear Admiral?"

"I don’t know. And Galactus doesn’t wear a skirt. It’s… It’s… battle armor… And we only use Firelord’s staff for… well… flying… and sweeping out the apartment and lighting the fireplace before we have a candlelight meal…"

"I think I’m going to be sick. Get the heck out of here! This is a MENS room. You don’t belong in here!"

"You don’t belong here, either. Why would you frequent such a place?"

"Most of the time no one hassles me, ‘cept that Beavis kid, and I have the high score on the pinball machine… Well, I used to… NOW, go away and leave me alone!"

"But I brought someone to see you. He’s waiting at the bar for you."

"Who? One of your ‘special’ friends. I don’t want to join that club. Now get out of here."

"It’s Adam."

"Adam Warlock?"

"Yes, Adam asked me to track you down. He needs to talk to you about his soul gem."

"I thought that he lost the soul gem a long time ago."

"He did… But he’s so sad… and I only tried to help him…"

"What did you do?"

"I used the power cosmic to attach something like the soul gem to his forehead…"

"What did you use as a soul gem?"

"Well… my power isn’t as great as it was…"

"What did you use?"

"There wasn’t much available…"

"What the heck did you use?"

"A… uhhh, a lima bean."

"WHAT? You glued a lima bean to the forehead of my greatest nemesis? And it stayed there?"

"Well I did use the power cosmic."

"I’m surprised you didn’t use Lee Press-on Nails glue. Soooooo, he’s sitting at the bar with a lima bean glued to his head and he wants to see me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Well, because his new soul gem… doesn’t… work like the old one."

"Well, no wonder. If lima beans gave someone infinite power over the soul; migrant workers would have taken over the universe by now!"

"Please, you have to help him."

"I’ll slap the darn thing off his head, that’s what I’ll do! Then, Norton, I slap the earrings off ‘a your head, too!"

"I may walk on the other side of the road now but I still have the power cosmic. You may not slap me at all."

"Or what? You’ll scratch my eyes out? Aw, jeeze. Lets go see what Adam wants." *mumbles* "I’m surprised that rabbits haven’t tried snacking on his ‘soul gem’."

"I heard that!"

"Yeah, I know you have greater than normal senses… But, jeeze, Norton, you should look at yourself in the mirror, sometime."

"Thanos…, please speak to Adam for me. And if he stares at you… Act like the soul gem is working…"

"WORKING? It ain’t working! It’s a darn bean! I’ll… I’ll… What’s in it for me?"

"I’ll use the power cosmic…"

"I don’t want no darn bean on my forehead!"

"No. I’ll use the power cosmic to pay your tab for the rest of the month."

"Deal."

"Oh… and Thanos… The cows are going to get out."

"What?"

"Your barn door is open."

"Huh?"

"Your fly is down."

"What the heck are you talkin’ about?"

"The zipper on your battle suit is down and little-thanos is about to start exploring the Galaxy by himself."

"OHHH. Thanks. Figures you’d be lookin’ there. "


"Hey, Mr. Thanos. Your silvery friend said that ‘e was pickin’ up the tab for ya. What’ll ya have? Another Grape Drop?"

"Yes, Willie and this time…"

"Yes, Mr. Thanos…?"

"Willie… Add TWO grapes to it this time!"

"Will do, Mr. Thanos. Comin’ right up. Oh, the guy at the end of the bar says that he’s waitin’ for ya." {quiet whisper} "Did you know he has a bean on his head?"

"Yes, I know, Willie. Don’t ask. It’s a long story."

Thanos sits down next to Adam and the Surfer stands next to them.

"Soooo, Adam How ya been?"

"THANOS! What mad scheme do you have planned now?"

"Hey, buddy, you came lookin’ for me. I was just minding my own business when the flaming Surfer told me you were here."

"I know… I’ll use the power of my gem to plumb the depths of your soul and find out all your secrets." Adam turns and stares at Thanos. Thanos sits there not believing what’s happening and having a hard time trying not to stare at the bean. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the Surfer urging him to play along so he lets his face go vacant and stares Adam in the eyes. "Ahhh… It all becomes clear to me now." Thanos starts to smirk. "I can see your every plan… But I can tell that you’re still hiding something that even the power of the soul gem can’t uncover." Thanos is grinning now. "You will tell me all. I command it by the power of my gem!"

"Wellll, OK. First, I plan on accelerating the climate here on Earth…"

"Yes."

"Then I’ll mind control the population…"

"Yes."

"Then I’ll plants the seeds…"

"Yes."

"Then I’ll harvest the crop…"

"Yes."

"With the mind controlled slaves…"

"Yes."

"THEN I’LL GLUE BEANS TO THE HEADS OF EVERYONE AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!" Falls off the bar stool, convulsed in laughter.

"Surfer, what’s he talking about? I didn’t get a glimpse of any ‘beans’ in his mind when I used the gem on him."

"I know, Adam. Thanos must be delusional. It must come from living with all these human beings." Thanos had almost made it back into his barstool when he heard the Surfer say ‘beings’. With a scream of ‘BEANS’ he falls back onto the floor, laughing uncontrollable.

"Come Adam. This place is not for us. Let us search for the answers elsewhere. Thanos was never one to give assistance."


Hope you enjoyed this special edition of Drunk Thanos!  Look for more stories in future editions of Cosmic Powers Unlimited.  Now, be sure to leave us comments below!


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Cosmic
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Tales of the Timeless #13 Drunk Thanos #8
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