Drunk Thanos #8 Guest-written by Janus and edited by
Marvelite |
CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A
PG-13 AUDIENCE
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic
Parodies Page!
In this episode, I dont try to pass judgement on anyones sexual orientation. What you and your partner do in a bath-tub full of jello is your own business! Again everything is presented with HUMOR in mind If you dont like something, e-mail me at Grim@cysource.com. (Of course, if you do enjoy, you can also e-mail me, too! Suggestions/story ideas always welcome!)
"Thanos! Thanos of Titan! Are you in here?"
"Aw, Crap! Im takin a leak. Who wants to know?"
"It is I, Norrin Radd, the Herald of Galactus, the Sentinel of the Spaceways, the Silver Surfer."
"Aw, double-crap. Just leave me alone. Thats why I started coming to the Infinity Saloon to get away from the likes of you. What do you want now?"
"I have brought someone from your past to visit you."
"Aw, crap. Who?" Steps out of stall and pauses with his mouth WIDE open. "What the heck happened to you?"
"I, uhhh decided to, uhhh , follow an alternate, uhhh , lifestyle."
"But But You have earrings! I didnt think that was possible! And a light blue bandanna tied around your neck And that rainbow bumper sticker on your board that says PRIDE and that swishy way of walking Youre a Homer-sexual!"
"I am NOT Homer-sexual! My name is Norrin I just Well, I got a new roommate and we and "
"Whos your roommate? Northstar?"
"No. Its its Firelord."
"Oh, god! I dont even want to know what you two do with that staff of his! Ahhh I bet I know what happened to you! Alone in space with a 30 tall humanoid who wears a skirt Along comes a officer in the Xander Navy You two havent seen women in a LONG time "
"Thats not how it was, Thanos."
"What rank did he hold in the Navy, Rear Admiral?"
"I dont know. And Galactus doesnt wear a skirt. Its Its battle armor And we only use Firelords staff for well flying and sweeping out the apartment and lighting the fireplace before we have a candlelight meal "
"I think Im going to be sick. Get the heck out of here! This is a MENS room. You dont belong in here!"
"You dont belong here, either. Why would you frequent such a place?"
"Most of the time no one hassles me, cept that Beavis kid, and I have the high score on the pinball machine Well, I used to NOW, go away and leave me alone!"
"But I brought someone to see you. Hes waiting at the bar for you."
"Who? One of your special friends. I dont want to join that club. Now get out of here."
"Its Adam."
"Adam Warlock?"
"Yes, Adam asked me to track you down. He needs to talk to you about his soul gem."
"I thought that he lost the soul gem a long time ago."
"He did But hes so sad and I only tried to help him "
"What did you do?"
"I used the power cosmic to attach something like the soul gem to his forehead "
"What did you use as a soul gem?"
"Well my power isnt as great as it was "
"What did you use?"
"There wasnt much available "
"What the heck did you use?"
"A uhhh, a lima bean."
"WHAT? You glued a lima bean to the forehead of my greatest nemesis? And it stayed there?"
"Well I did use the power cosmic."
"Im surprised you didnt use Lee Press-on Nails glue. Soooooo, hes sitting at the bar with a lima bean glued to his head and he wants to see me?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Well, because his new soul gem doesnt work like the old one."
"Well, no wonder. If lima beans gave someone infinite power over the soul; migrant workers would have taken over the universe by now!"
"Please, you have to help him."
"Ill slap the darn thing off his head, thats what Ill do! Then, Norton, I slap the earrings off a your head, too!"
"I may walk on the other side of the road now but I still have the power cosmic. You may not slap me at all."
"Or what? Youll scratch my eyes out? Aw, jeeze. Lets go see what Adam wants." *mumbles* "Im surprised that rabbits havent tried snacking on his soul gem."
"I heard that!"
"Yeah, I know you have greater than normal senses But, jeeze, Norton, you should look at yourself in the mirror, sometime."
"Thanos , please speak to Adam for me. And if he stares at you Act like the soul gem is working "
"WORKING? It aint working! Its a darn bean! Ill Ill Whats in it for me?"
"Ill use the power cosmic "
"I dont want no darn bean on my forehead!"
"No. Ill use the power cosmic to pay your tab for the rest of the month."
"Deal."
"Oh and Thanos The cows are going to get out."
"What?"
"Your barn door is open."
"Huh?"
"Your fly is down."
"What the heck are you talkin about?"
"The zipper on your battle suit is down and little-thanos is about to start exploring the Galaxy by himself."
"OHHH. Thanks. Figures youd be lookin there. "
"Hey, Mr. Thanos. Your silvery friend said that e was pickin up the tab for ya. Whatll ya have? Another Grape Drop?"
"Yes, Willie and this time "
"Yes, Mr. Thanos ?"
"Willie Add TWO grapes to it this time!"
"Will do, Mr. Thanos. Comin right up. Oh, the guy at the end of the bar says that hes waitin for ya." {quiet whisper} "Did you know he has a bean on his head?"
"Yes, I know, Willie. Dont ask. Its a long story."
Thanos sits down next to Adam and the Surfer stands next to them.
"Soooo, Adam How ya been?"
"THANOS! What mad scheme do you have planned now?"
"Hey, buddy, you came lookin for me. I was just minding my own business when the flaming Surfer told me you were here."
"I know Ill use the power of my gem to plumb the depths of your soul and find out all your secrets." Adam turns and stares at Thanos. Thanos sits there not believing whats happening and having a hard time trying not to stare at the bean. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the Surfer urging him to play along so he lets his face go vacant and stares Adam in the eyes. "Ahhh It all becomes clear to me now." Thanos starts to smirk. "I can see your every plan But I can tell that youre still hiding something that even the power of the soul gem cant uncover." Thanos is grinning now. "You will tell me all. I command it by the power of my gem!"
"Wellll, OK. First, I plan on accelerating the climate here on Earth "
"Yes."
"Then Ill mind control the population "
"Yes."
"Then Ill plants the seeds "
"Yes."
"Then Ill harvest the crop "
"Yes."
"With the mind controlled slaves "
"Yes."
"THEN ILL GLUE BEANS TO THE HEADS OF EVERYONE AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!" Falls off the bar stool, convulsed in laughter.
"Surfer, whats he talking about? I didnt get a glimpse of any beans in his mind when I used the gem on him."
"I know, Adam. Thanos must be delusional. It must come from living with all these human beings." Thanos had almost made it back into his barstool when he heard the Surfer say beings. With a scream of BEANS he falls back onto the floor, laughing uncontrollable.
"Come Adam. This place is not for us. Let us search for the answers elsewhere. Thanos was never one to give assistance."
Hope you enjoyed this special edition of Drunk Thanos! Look for more stories in future editions of Cosmic Powers Unlimited. Now, be sure to leave us comments below!