Drunk Thanos #7

Guest-written by Janus and edited by Marvelite
Published by the Cosmic Powers Fan Fiction Group in
THE COSMIC POWERS UNLIMITED FANZINE ISSUE #13

Characters are parodies based off characters of Marvel Comics
Click here for black&white text version (good for printing!)

(Thanks to Grim for inviting me to write a DT story)

A very special "Drunk Thanos" by Janus. This week’s episode –

"Brother, Sweet Brother OR Boogie Nights!".

CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A PG-13 AUDIENCE
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!


KNOCK KNOCK. The sound of someone rapping, rapping at Eros’s door.

Groggy from drink and revelry, Starfox stirred. "Ugh, who?"

"It is I, Mentor, your father. Eros, you do nothing but party constantly, drinking and cavorting. When was the last time you did anything productive? You’re a slacker! I’m kicking you off Titan until you get a job."

"But Dad, I helped you beat Thanos when he took over!"

"That was years ago."

"I was in the Avengers!"

"What, for two weeks? Now take your brother – he’s always has a plan to better himself. It’s too bad he channels his ambitions so negatively. I wish you had his drive to succeed."

"But Dad, you can’t be serious! He’s a homicidal maniac! He’s called the Mad Titan…he tried to kill you, he killed our mom…he…

"Damn it, I never should have named him Thanos. What I was thinking? Now get on your way, and don’t come back until I can be proud of you."

"But Dad, you can’t kick me out!

Robotic assistants picked up Eros and dragged him away.

"Wait, dad, you’re making a mistake! You can be proud of me. I’m popular…everyone likes me…Women, I can get you women…I have cool comic book hair…


"So ya sees, I just washn’t good ‘nuff for the old man. What more does he want from me anyways? He wasssn’t even impressed by my hair. How many people have stolen the look? Wolverine, Magneto, an Quickshilver, ta name a few. Doeshn’t he know how hard it is to get it point in the back like that? I wonder if Wolverine uses mousse or hairspray? I’m an Aquanet man myself <hic>. Give me another beer, barkeep."

"Gee, Mr. Starfox, you’ve had a lot to drink, and what with your Eternal heritage. You should talk to Mr. Thanos, over there in the corner. He’s an Eternal too."

"Wha? Thanos? Here?"

"Sure, he’s a regular."

Thanos approached the bar. "Greetings, brother. So, our illustrious father has kicked you out too? What for? Murder? Worshipping Death? Conspiring against him perhaps? I knew you had it in you, brother."

"No. Thanos, he called me a slacker! I can’t come back until I have job. <sob>"

"You need a job, eh? Do you wish to help me take over the universe? It involves traveling back in time where I will-"

"Whatever. Soundss good to me, man. Count me in <hic>."


"Welcome to the past, brother. If I have calculated correctly, and Thanos never calculates incorrectly, a past version of myself sits behind this very door. I would have words with myself."

Thanos threw the door open to reveal –Thanos, circa 1974.

"Oh my god, Thanos, did you really used to look like that? That outfit, the purple matches your skin so well, and thank Kronos you’ve since added pants to your ensemble."

"It was the seventies, everyone dressed that way" Thanos whispered feebly. "I need a drink. Let’s get out of here."

"Hey, maybe that kid over there knows a good bar in this town. Hey kid, yeah, you with the guitar, you know a place to get a good drink?"

"You cats from outta town? Hey, anyone with funky hair like you is cool in my book. Hitch your wagon to me, cause Rick Jones is going to Mars. I’m gonna be bigger than Peter Frampton someday, just you wait and see."

"Damn. Brother Eros, we appear to have gone back in time to a clumsily scripted Marvel comic of the 1970s."

"That’s right, you fellas are in my backyard now, and Rick Jones, cool but hotheaded teen, rules this roost."

"I, Thanos request you cease referring to yourself in the third person. It is…irritating."

"No need to be heavy. Come on, I got a gig scheduled, and Rick Jones is never late for a gig. Ya dig?"

"Do not make Thanos repeat himself again, human. There will be – repercussions."

"Don’t rain on my parade, sunshine. Rick Jones goes where he will and does what he wants. Ain’t no one tells me what to do. I go where the road takes me and never look back."

"Yeah, cool out Thanos. This is the seventies, bro. Do you know what that means? Free love! These people knew how to party!"

"Ah, come on, we ain’t got time for purple-puss back there. If ya ask Rick Jones, your brother’s a square."

"Bah. Be gone. Thanos needs not your help. Father was right Eros, you are a slacker, and you will be made to pay for this indignity."

"See ya ace! Come on chum, let’s blow this popsicle stand. This place I’m playing at tonight, it’s the cat’s meow…you’ll dig it!"

[Yes, have fun while you can, Rick Jones! But know that you have made an enemy today, an enemy named – THANOS ]

"Hey, who the hell are you? Who you talkin’ too?"

[You can hear me, Rick Jones? You can hear the melodramatic second-person-limited narrator?]

"Yeah. Now cut it out, alright? You’re crampin’ my style, see?"

[What do you intend to do, Rick Jones. What do you intend to do?]

"I don’t know, man. Just leave me alone!"

[Know that you choose a lonely and dangerous path, Rick Jones. A path you must walk – ALONE]

"Fine. C’mon. We gotta get to my gig!

END


Hope you enjoyed this special edition of Drunk Thanos!   Now, check out Drunk Thanos #8 by Grim!  Also, check out Grim's Red-Rooter #3 from CPU #14!  Now, leave us comments below!


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