Drunk Thanos #1

Written by "Grim" and edited by "Morfex"
Published by the Cosmic Powers Fan Fiction Group in

Characters are parodies based off characters of Marvel Comics
Click here for black&white text version (good for printing!)


" 'Nother beer."

"Aww, jeeze, Mr. Thanos, don't ya think ya had enough."

"No. I need 'nother beer. I used to be somebody, ya know."

"Yes, Mr. Thanos, I know. Destroyer of the universe. Sure. I've heard ya tell that one before."

"*hic* I did NOT destroy the universe. I *hic* eeerased half the peoples of the universes for my girl. MY mistress. *hic*"

"Here's your beer, Mr. Thanos. Them women. They'll be the death of ya, huh? Just the other day I had a guy in here..."


"Jeeze, keep it down Mr. Thanos, or I'll have ya tossed out again."

"No ordinary woman. Not my mistress. I fought *hic* Eternity ya knows."

"Yes, I know you used ta be a prize fighter and all, but ya gotta keep it down. Jack'll toss you back out if ya get loud again."

"If I had my gauntlet, I *hic* would obl... obb -- oblity *hic* obbliterr -- destroy 'im!"

"Yes, Mr. Thanos. I know ya lost yer gloves to that golden boy, but don't get loud. Jack's just the bouncer here. He don't want no trouble; but he don't take kindly to people gettin' loud at the bar, ya see?"

"Hey, mister would you like to buy a lady a drink?"

"Whaaaa? I ain't no MISTER. I'm Thanos of -- of -- of -- Thanos! Bartender, get my lady friend *hic* a drink. ON ME! 'Cuz I got money, see."

"Ohhhh. I like a guy with lots o' money. Maybe we could go to somewhere and I could show you a good time."

Thas the bes idea I heard all night. Chair. CHAIR. Take us to the… CHAIR! Stupid chair, *hic* never works like it used too."

"Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. We don't let women in your line of work in here. Aww, jeeze, now he's talkin' to the barstool again!"

"CHAIR. I COMMAND YOU. *hic* I COMM -- oops. Spilt m' beer. HEY bartender, I needs *hic* 'nother!"

"Excuse me, is there a problem over here?"

"No Jack, Mr. Thanos is just talking to the barstool again. He'll be okay in a second. Why don't I get you some coffee, Mr. Thanos?"

"COFFEE? Why *hic* do I need *hic* thas stuff. Take your hand off me Jacko, or I'll…"

"That does it, out you go."

"Leggo me! I didn't do nothin'. I jus wanted 'nother beer!"

"You go home and sleep it off, Mr. Thanos. I'll call a cab for you if you want."

"I don' need no *hic* cab. I can walk home. If I had my *hic* chair."

"I know, Mr. Thanos. Have a good night."

"Look over there. He's getting tossed out again. Hey, guys let's go have some fun."

"I donno, Eddie. I heard he was a fighter or sumptin."

"Look at 'im. He can't even stand up. HEY, THANOS."

"Aw, great. Jus what I needs. Stupid kids *hic* hass -- hasslin' me. GO 'WAY. Leave Thanos 'lone."


"Awww. I knows. Where's my tel -- tela -- port *hic* belt-thing?"

"What's he doing, Eddie?"

"I donno. I think he's… he's... taking off his pants! Yuck! Let's get outta here! THANOS FROM UR-ANOS. THANOS FROM UR-ANOS."

"YOU KIDS! Get outta here. Leave Mr. Thanos alone. Mr. Thanos, are ya sure you don't want me to call you a cab? What… What are you doing? DON'T take your pants off again! Dang it. Put your pants back on and I'll call ya a cab."

"I gots *hic* a tel - tel -- port. It'll gets me *hic* I got's ta go."

"MAN, don't start releavin' yourself here. Go around the side of the buildin' at least. I'm gonna call a cab for ya weather you want it on not, Mr. Thanos."

"Ah. Better. Thoughts I was gonna wet myself again. *hic* That was a close one. Guess I'll *hic* go home and look in the 'finity well fer 'while."

"Here's your cab, Mr. Thanos. Don't fall in any wells, now. You come back and visit us when your feeling better, 'kay?"

"HEY CABBIE. I used *hic* to be someone."

Now read Drunk Thanos #2!!  In the mean time, send us your comments below.

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Cosmic Powers Unlimited Issue #6 COSMIC UNION
Reference Page
Cosmic Union Issue #6 Tales of the
Timeless #6
Star Masters #2 JLA/Galactus: Worlds Colliding Part 3 of 3 A Mirror For Mantra Chapter 1 Drunk Thanos #1


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