#20: Drunk Thanos vs. Red-Rooter Part 4 & 5
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!
Drunk Thanos vs. Red-Rooter Part 4
Click here for Part 2-3
Thanos and Red venture into the darkness of the toilet drain, Red pausing every now and then to test the integrity of the pipes along the way. After a short journey, they arrive at a juncture where the drain pipe narrows. The entire exit is blocked by a large, withering mass. “Well, Red… This looks like the blockage…”
“Aye… Now to see about removing it. Did thou bring thine dynamite?”
“NO ONE CALLS MIGHTY EGO A BLOCKAGE!”
“Ahhhhh, it’s the sewer snake!” Thanos tries to run, but Red holds his shoulder.
“Thanos… Fear not a talking blockage… By the unending cold that flows from beneath Hela’s skirts, we can remove it.”
“I AM NOT A BLOCKAGE!”
“Wait Red… That’s Ego… Ego, the Living Planet… Looks more like a moon to me, though…”
“YES, THANOS… IT IS EGO…IF YOU CAN FREE ME, I’LL NOT KILL YOU…”
“Wait just a second… Ego? You’re trapped in here… How are you going to kill me?”
“LIKE THIS!” Ego scrunches up his face, and the sound of sizzling bacon can be heard. A few sparks jump off of Ego’s eyebrow in Thanos’ direction, but they fizzle in the water at his feet.”
“Uhmmm… Ego? I’m not to scared of sparklers…”
“YOU WILL FEAR THE LIGHTNING OF MIGHTY EGO!” More sparks shoot out. Thanos looks at Red and shakes his head. Red opens his tool bag and pulls out a couple of sticks of dynamite.
“Thanos… The explosives have gotten wet… We’ll need to retrieve fresh explosives, then journey back to the blockage.”
“I AM NOT A BLOCKAGE! I AM…EGO!”
“You look more like a Yugo to me, Ego. How’d ya end up here anyway? Is it a story you can tell that won’t turn my Eternal stomach?”
“I WAS IN SPACE ONE DAY, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, PLAYING TRICKS ON PICARD AND HIS CREW…do you know that Troi walked on me with her bare feet? Mmmmmmm…ANYWAY, I GOT TIRED OF MESSING WITH THE HUMANS AND DECIDED TO FIND A SUN TO ORBIT. JUST AFTER I FOUND A SUN, AND WAS GETTING A NICE TAN, ALONG COMES GALACTUS, BEING ALL HUNGRY AND STUFF. ‘CEPT HE DIDN’T TELL ME HE WAS HUNGRY, NO. AS HE WAS MAKING SMALL TALK, TELLING ABOUT HIS POKER GAME WITH THE CELESTIALS, HE STICKS HIS ELEMENTRAY CONVERTER UP MY WAZOO!”
“I’LL SAY! I’M A BIG PLANET. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I HAD A WAZOO… ANYWAY, HE PROCEDED TO DRAIN MY ENERGY, THEN TOOK OFF WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A ‘SEE YA LATER’ OR ANYTHING. SO I HITCHED A RIDE ON THE BACK OF HIS SHIP. WHEN HE RETURNED TO HIS HOMEWORLD, I THOUGHT I HAD RETURNED TO MY FORMER STATURE AS A PLANET…”
“You look more like an asteroid now.”
“I KNOW, I KNOW… I STILL HAVEN’T RETURNED COMPLETEY. ANYWAY, I HID IN HIS CLOSET AND ATTACKED HIM WHEN HE WAS IN THE SHOWER, THINKING TO CATCH HIM OFF GUARD…NO, HE CALLED ME ‘EGO, THE LIVING BOOGER’ AND FLICKED ME INTO THE TOILET. I’VE HAD MY REVENGE BY BLOCKING UP HIS FACILITIES.”
“Hence the call for mine services…”
“YES. I WAS GOING TO BACKUP HIS WATER FOR ALL ETERNITY, BUT…”
“BUT I’VE GROWN TIRED OF LIVING IN THIS PIPE. I DESIRE THE OPEN COSMOS ONCE MORE. TELL YA WHAT, YOU HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE, AND I’LL GENERATE SOME DIAMONDS FOR YA, HOW’S THAT SOUND?”
“I must confer with mine associate, Ego…” Red puts his head up against Thanos shoulder and whispers: “I’ve never been paid by a blockage before… there’s something vaguely un-ethical about it.”
“What Galactus doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Besides, we can get more beer!”
“It’s settled, Ego. We will help thou escape, provided thou pay us half up front, the balance upon being freed.”
“DEAL.” Ego works his mouth around for a bit, then spits out a few fist sized diamonds. “WILL THIS DO FOR STARTERS?” Thanos’ eyes jump to the top of his skull as he scoops up the gems and puts them in a pocket, handing the smaller stones to Red. Red absentmindedly takes his cut, studying how best to remove the blockage.
“Thanos… I think that we should blast there… and there…”
“NO BLASTING! I’M A HUMAN BEING… I MEAN A LIVING PLANET… YOU CAN’T BLAST ME TO BITS…”
“Red… I have a better idea.” Thanos takes out his canteen. “Watch this, and stand back. Here, Ego… have a drink of this…” Thanos holds the canteen up to Ego’s lips and pours the contents in.
“MMMMM…GOOD! I HAVN’T HAD PLEASURE PLANET BEER IN A LONG TIME! BUT… BUT WAIT… IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH…”
“Run, Red, run! He’s gonna blow!” Both Red and Thanos start sprinting back up the drain as a sound like an earthquake can be heard behind them. A massive mudslide threatens to overtake them as they run for the bowl, the sound of Ego throwing up still being heard. They reach the bowl, and Red grabs the rope tied to the handle and yanks on it.
“Thanos, grab hold, quickly!” An enormous wall of water rolls out of the tank and down into the bowl. But Thanos and Red are climbing for all their worth, trying to make it to the seat and not be swept away by the rushing water. Red and Thanos pull themselves up the rope; hand over hand, until they get to the handle. With a flip, Thanos and Red and up on the top of the tank watching the bowl fill with water. Red has a concerned look on his face.
“Red, ya think it’s going to work?”
“I don’t know. If Ego lost enough size from barfing, and if the weight of the water causes enough pressure…” The water level continues to rise in the bowl, getting higher and higher. Then, just as the water level reaches the top of the bowl and threatens to spill over into the bathroom, a low rumbling echoes throughout the room. With an ear-deafening gurgle, the water level rapidly drops, and the bowl empties in a flash! Thanos and Red both jump up in the air and give each other high-fives. Red sends Mop-nir out to clean the rest of the overflowed water, while Thanos sits down and rests from the ordeal.
Drunk Thanos vs. Red-Rooter Part 5
“Hail, mighty Galactus… ‘Tis Red Rooter, scourge of drain clogs the nine worlds over, cleaner of privies in any dimension, blockage remover the universe over!”
“Uhmmm… Well… I have the bill for services rendered.”
“LET ME SEE YOUR BILL.”
Red hands the slip of paper up to Galactus, the sheet of paper almost lost in his large hand. Galactus lifts the page up before his eyes and studies the figures.
“I WILL PAY HALF THIS AMOUNT. SO SPEAKS GALACTUS!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, big fella… I mean, Mighty Galactus. That was the amount agreed ‘pon. Thou hast always been known to honor thine agreements…”
“YES, RED ROOTER, I ALWAYS HONOR MY AGREEMENTS… THE HALF I’M DEDUCTING IS TO COVER THE BEER THAT THANOS…BORROWED… FROM MY GALACTO-REFRIGERATOR.”
“Oh… Yes… This is a wise and fair settlement, mighty Galactus.”
“YOU MAY COLLECT YOUR CHECK FROM THE DOORMAN.
“Thank thee, mighty Galactus! Oh, here’s my business card, if thou needs any plumbing services in the future.” Red moves to hand his card to Galactus, but Galactus has his head deep into a viewer and ignores him. “We’re having a special next solar cycle on line cleaning…I’ll just lay this here on thine counter”, Red says, as he turns and leaves the room.
Drunk Thanos vs. Red-Rooter Epilogue
Now that Thanos’ bar tab has been paid in full, Willie has put in new lights and a big screen TV, and generally refurbished everything in the place. Thanos is sitting at the remodeled bar in the Infinity Saloon, drinking a cold one. Ben Grimm walks in and sits down next to him. Thanos looks over with a smile. “You didn’t think I could do it, did you Grimm? A bet is a bet, and I have the proof out back… Did you bring the money?”
Ben just stands up and pats a bulge in his overcoat. Thanos gets up from his stool and leads Ben out back. One of Galactus’ beer bottles is sitting out back, a small scaffolding built around it.
“See, Grimm? I told you I could get a beer from Galactus’ fridge, and he wouldn’t even care… Now, hand over the amount we wagered.” Ben Grimm walks around the bottle, inspecting the glass, prying at the label, lifting at the cap. With a shrug, he pulls a wad of bills out of his pocket and tosses ‘em to Thanos.
“This is the best part, Grimm!” Thanos runs up the stairs and starts prying at the cap using a long metal bar. With a loud hiss, the cap flies off and Thanos almost loses his balance. After the mist and vapor has dissipated, he takes two large scoops and dips them in the beer; offering one to Ben Grimm. Grimm, sniffs it and takes a swallow, then gets a small smile on his face. “See, Grimm? I told ya it was the real thing, didn’t I?” Then, Thanos drinks the contents of his scoop down. His eyes get a vacant look and he falls over, almost tumbling down the stairs.
Ben Grim steps over Thanos’ prone body as he heads back into the bar, muttering: “lightweight…”
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