#19: Drunk Thanos vs. Red-Rooter Part 2 & 3
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!
Drunk Thanos vs. Red-Rooter Part 2
Click here for Part 1
“The… The… The… The… I haven’t talked with Galactus since I helped Griswalt get that interview for the Bugle…”
“Aye. The Worldship of Mighty Galactus has clogged up plumbing. I put in a bid for the job, and won it, but then Odin took away mine space-time powers. And I know it would pay well, too.”
“I’ll be right back,” Thanos says as he gets off the moped and runs back into the Infinity Saloon. Red waits patiently for Thanos to come back, then starts playing with the buttons on the dash of the sidecar. When the Chili Peppers start blaring from the speakers, Red leans back with a big smile on his face tapping his toe. When his toe activates the missiles and he blows up the dumpster next door, he quickly shuts everything off. After a bit, Thanos comes back out of the Saloon, dressed in a wet suit and carrying a shovel, a pitchfork and a Gattling gun.
Thanos stops and looks at Red, then at the smoldering ruins of the dumpster, then back at Red, who is trying to maintain an innocent look. Thanos shakes his head sadly, and then uses a bungee cord to attach his tools to the rack above the back tire.
“Galactus’ Worldship, ya say? Hmmmmm…” Thanos pulls out a map book, then turns to the back, the section on interstellar bodies. “Let’s see here… Europa…Formalhaut… France… Gacrux… Galactus… Ganymede… Wait! Galactus… Page 17!” Thanos flips to the page, this has a layout of Galactus’ home world and an ad for Pizza Hut. “Ohhhh…Pizza…”
“Thanos! Find thine directions already. You can have all the pizza that thine heart desires after we finish the job. You can pizza with avocado and snake legs if you want. But first, we have to get to the home world of Galactus…”
“Right! Let’s see here… Turning from page 16… setting the special invertors to 3.7… Turning up the Offspring CD to 11… setting the thrust vector to 13.335… adjusting the Easy-bake to ‘muffin’… Do you think we could get a pizza ‘t’go’ with us?”
“May the horns of Loki curse you backside, Thanos! I’ll walk there if I have too!”
“Why’d ya wanna do that? I can give ya a ride if you want.”
“Are thou done adjusting thine toe-tinglers and flim-flammers?”
“Aye… I mean, yes. Put your helmet on and we’re ready to go.”
“I’ve been ready… But I guess we could stop for pizza on the way…”
“Great! Next stop: Galactus’ homeworld! With a side trip thru the drive-thru…” Whispers “Say… You got another twenty for the pizza?”
Thanos jumps up on the kick-start and gets the engine going. Slowly a wormhole forms in from of the moped and Thanos eases the vehicle off it’s stand and rolls into the vortex. As the moped starts to twist and turn with the currents of the wormhole a cry is heard: “By the almighty breadcrumbs in regal Odin’s beard, I’m going to blow chunks…”
Drunk Thanos vs. Red-Rooter Part 3
The moped appears back in normal space, next to the huge expanse that is the home base of mighty Galactus. Thanos looks around thoughtfully, searching for a door, while Red holds a helmet full of vomit and tries not to empty his stomach again.
“Well, Red-Rooter… We’re here. I see that the contents of your stomach decided to enjoy the view as well… heh heh.”
“By the bristling…By the enlarged … Oh shut the Hela up, Thanos! Direct thine scooter to the third planet sized structure, Northern hemisphere, sunward side, 45 degrees latitude, 23.5 longitude… There! Over there! By the door that says “Maintenance Personal Only”. Thanos lands on the side of the humongous structure, finding a parking spot between a Ferengi runabout and a Star-Destroyer. As they get up off the moped, Thanos throws the empty pizza box under the Star-Destroyer and Red pours out the contents of his helmet on the landing gear of the Ferengi craft. Thanos set the parking brake and removes the tools that he brought from the moped, then joins Red in the hike up to the main door.
One of the vehicles they pass has a license plate that reads “Slave Girlz Rule” on it. Red looks around and, spotting no one, crams a potato in the engine exhaust aperture. Thanos gives him a questioning look and Red explains that the ship belongs to Jabba the Hutt. “I still have nightmares from that clog…” Red relates, then gets a queasy look on his face again. They continue on in silence, finally getting to the main door. Red knocks politely, then draws himself up to his full height, trying to look imposing. The door opens and a small man in a tuxedo steps out.
“How might I help you fine gentleman, today?”
“You??” Red looks aghast. “What are you doing here? By the unending bubbles of Odin’s royal tub, thou art supposed to be at Avenger’s mansion!”
“Ahhh… I see you’ve met my twin brother. He’s Jarvis. My name is Jarvis. With the accent on the first syllable” he explains, noticing the puzzled looks.
“Ohhh. Ok then. Well, Mortal. I be Red Rooter And I’m here to tend thy plumbing problems.”
“Do you have an appointment, Mr. Rooter?”
“Oh, Jesus Chr… I mean, By the sights Heimdall spies in the girl’s locker room, YES, I do have an appointment! Get out thine thrice-blasted clipboard and you will spot the legendary name of Red Rooter upon it!”
Jarvis pulls out a clipboard and looks up and down the multitude of pages clipped to it, hemming and hawing; until finally he lets out an “ah-HA! Here it is! And you’re even on time. Please go right in. The Master’s been… Uptight… since his favorite lavatory has stoppered. He’s getting tired of having to go out behind the moon. Floor 17,039, third door on the right. Just as they enter the door, they pause as yelling erupts out in the parking lot. Jarvis stands on his toes and tries to see what’s going on; Red and Thanos try and look innocent.
“Mr. Jarvis… What seems to be the problem out there?” Red asks quietly.
“I’m not certain. Our Ferengi visitors are up in arms about an… Odo that has attached itself to their landing gear, as best I can make out.
“Ah. Well, Thanos and I will be about solving thine plumbing difficulties. Come on, Thanos, let’s hie ourselves to the clog, that we may finish and return to Earth before Sunday. I’ve got a ticket to Anna Kournikova play. And by the rounded backside… I mean backhand of the tennis lass, I will to be there!”
Thanos and Red tromp through the corridors, finally coming to an elevator. After 15 minutes of searching, they find the ’17,000’ series of buttons. Thanos uses the end of his pitchfork to push the button, accidentally hitting 16, 995 in the process. The pair ride the elevator calmly for 4 hours, until it stops on the 16,995th floor. The doors slid open; Thanos looks around curiously then jumps out, dragging Red with him.
“Thanos! By the unending elevator ride of mighty Galactus! This be the wrong floor! Odin alone knows how look it will take for another elevator to get here.”
“Shhhhh, Red. I smelled something good. C’mon… Let’s go check it out!”
“What? Thanos! This is against all plumbing ethics and codes, to go snooping about the Worldship…” But Red was addressing Thanos’ back, as Thanos disappeared down the hallway. “Thanos? Thanos! Come back here! Red pushes the call button repeatedly, then pounds on the elevator door. After a minute of waiting and no response from the elevator, Red turns with a sign and goes after Thanos.
After wandering for a few minutes, Red comes upon Thanos staring at a huge handle set way up on the wall. “Thanos? Thanos? What are thou doing? We have to clear the clog.”
“Inaminnit. I’m hungry.”
“So? Eat some of the leftover pizza.”
“No. I think this is the refrigerator… If I could just get it open.”
“Thou… Thou… Thou hast discovered the ‘refrigerator’ of Galactus? Thanos… Such a sight is not meant for the eyes of mortals!”
“Neither of us are mortals. And besides, I bet he’s got beer in there! C’mere! Let me get up on your shoulders… There, steady now… If I brace my hand here… and pull here…” With a giant sucking sound, the seal around the refrigerator door gives and the door swings open, throwing both Red and Thanos to the floor. They sit up, blinking at the bright lite that shines forth. Thanos rubs his eyes for a second, the screams, “I KNEW there was beer here! C’mon, Red… Let’s have a cold one!” Thanos runs over to the bottom shelf on the door and wrestles a beer as big as himself from the brackets. He gets the beer free, but both him and the bottle fall to the floor.
“Thanos! Thou are stealing the beer of almighty Galactus himself! Besides, it’s rolled around on the floor; thou will get a shower if thou dares open it.”
“Oh, yeah? I always win at beerhunter. Besides, know how to handle an 8 foot tall beer…” Thanos puts the end of his shovel under the cap, and pries, the muscles straining on his arms. With a loud ‘snap’ the cap disappears straight up out of sight and a geyser of beer shoots up in the air. Thanos screams and hugs the bottle, trying to keep from being swept away. Red deploys enchanted Mop-nir and soaks up all the foamy liquid that comes his way. After the cascade settles down, Thanos looks sheepishly at Red and shrugs his shoulders. Red glowers at Thanos as he wrings the excess beer from Mop-nir.
“Now I need to find a straw…”
“To partake of our gracious host. Besides, I’m not going to try drinking from a bottle that’s taller than I am… I’ll get bubbles up my nose!”
“By the fly-swatting tail of Slepnier, we shouldst be on the job, already! Not partying-down in the kitchen. And look at this mess we have to clean up. Besides, did thou see where thine beer is brewed? On Rigel-4… The Pleasure Planet… If thou can’t handle ale… that stuff would put you in a coma!”
“Mmmmm…coma…” Thanos scoops some of the beer from a puddle on the floor, and sips it from his palm. His eyes immediately go blank and he passes out, landing on the floor with a thud.
“By the dismembered eye of all-mighty Odin, if thou hast killed thyself, I’m going to stuff thou in thine beer bottle and put thou back for Galactus to find. I can see it now. ‘Ok, like, I found a Thanos in my beer. And, like, I heard that you give away a free case of beer if that happens. I’d like a free case of beer, hoser!” Red gets Thanos by the arms and pulls him over to the wall, propping him up. He uses Mop-nir to clean up the rest of the beer that was spilt, then tries to awaken Thanos.
“Thanos… wakie, wakie… Thanos… THANOS! Wake up, thou unfettered cur, not fit to adjust Volstagg’s bro straps! Thanos… Galactus is coming and he’s right annoyed about his beer… Thanos… Willie said you could have one on the house…”
“What? I’ll take it, Willie-my-good-man! I’ll… Dammit, Red! Willie’s not here to give me a free beer!”
“ I knowst! And we’re here to clear a clog! Not raid the fridge of the World Devourer! I’ve cleaned thy mess up. Now… can we please attend the clog?”
“Just a second.” Thanos rises on unsteady feet, then turns and faces the refrigerator. “I know his beer’s a bit too strong for my stomach, so I’ll just get something to eat.”
“No Thanos, no! Thou needs to get on the ball! There’s work to be done, clogs to be cleared…”
“Just let me see if he’s got anything good in here…” Thanos climbs up into the refrigerator and starts rummaging around. Red toys with the idea of shutting the door and leaving him, but then remembers that Jarvis took note that Thanos had entered with him. “Galactic-butter, a bowl of neutron stew, leftover galacto-gravy, moon-mayonnaise, more Pleasure Planet beer, Hungry, Hungry, Hungry Man TV dinner’s, sliced Neptune, comet salad with asteroids, Jupiter jelly, a box of Orion Fried Chicken, Venus pudding, cosmic-carrots, a six pack of Klingon Klusters, some of the Surfer’s Play Doh, Gas Giant antacid pills, a half eaten ear of corn on the Capricorn, a 2K liter of Jovian soda, stewed Mercury meat, moldy Caolti sprigs, some pasta made by… Uatu, a bottle of Pleiades punch, an untouched Io, a bowl of Skrull homeworld soup, some Ymir frozen treats, a bottle of meteoroid sprinkles, a slice of Krypton cake, a bottle of… vacuum?, a Milky Way bar, a tin of Borg biscuits, a Modok pie, a couple of fresh caught Pisces, a bottle of Red Giant ketchup, spaghetti with Deathstars, Badoon burgers, leftover Scorpio scampi, and a box of Arm and Justin Hammer Baking Soda…”
Thanos grabs a leg of Orion Fried Chicken and a Klingon Kluster and starts munching on them as he makes his way back out of the refrigerator. He jumps to the floor in front of Red, who’s eating one of the Ymir treats. Red has a big smile on his face as he tells Thanos: “I haven’t had one of these since I was a lad.”
“See, Red… it wasn’t such a bad deal! Part of the intergalactic plumber’s code should include the right to raid the refrigerator.”
“I guess you’re right…”
“Of course I’m right! Now, let’s see about taking care of that clog, huh?”
“Yes… I mean ‘aye’! Aye! Let’s hie ourselves to the blockage!” Thanos picks up his shovel and adds it to his gear, and he and Red make the trek back to the elevators. After an interminable wait for the elevator to return, they make the quick trip to the right floor, and find the door to the bathroom. Red assumes a grand pose and knocks politely on the massive door. “Hail! Hail Mighty Galactus… Might thou be using thine facilities? Thanos and I are here to remove thine clog…” Not getting an answer, Red uses his shoulder and pushes the massive door open. Thanos throws his shovel at the light switch and after three tries, gets the lights turned on. The light reveals a standard sink, toilet and a bathtub/shower. Towels with a stylized ‘G’ hang over the towel bars. Thanos and Red proceed to walk to the toilet, but stop when their feet make wet sounds on the carpet. Thanos get a sickened look and his face and Red explains that there must have been a bit of backup.
“I’m just glad I wore my wetsuit for this adventure…” Thanos grumbles. Red pulls Mop-nir out and uses it to propel himself into the air, Thor style, landing on the edge of the toilet seat. He reaches down and pulls Thanos up next to him. Thanos stands uneasily on the edge of the seat and peers down into the water with Red. Red has a thoughtful expression on his face as he examines the bowl. He motions Thanos to stand back, then whirls Mop-nir about and lets it fly toward the bottom of the bowl. Mop-nir flies true, even removing some stubborn water stains, and then disappears out of sight down the drain. As he waits for Mop-nir’s return, Red lifts the lid off the back of the toilet tank, startling the blue-skinned Kree living back there.
“An attack!” the leader of the Kree yells; ducking behind the float and firing wildly with a blaster. Thanos quickly goes into battle mode and starts blasting the Kree, with devastating bolts of force from his hands. Red watches Thanos’ back until Mop-nir makes its return to his hand. Then, spinning Mop-nir, Red throws himself into the fray. Despite their best efforts, the Kree, determined to defend their home territory, pushes the plumber and his helper back. Pinned down at the top of the lid, Thanos takes stock of the situation.
“Red! Hey Red! Quick, onna count of three, allez-oop over your shoulder…”
“By the open palm spankings Odin would lovingly administer, Thanos, thou shouldn’t be engaging in thine gymnastics now!”
“Red… just do it. Think about the money…”
“Right! On the count of three…”
“…One…two…THREE!” Thanos sprints at Red’s right shoulder and jumps up into the air, landing in Red’s outstretched hand. Red flips Thanos higher up in the air and Thanos executes two summersaults amidst concentrated blaster fire, then drops off the edge of the toilet tank and disappears out of sight. Red starts peeking around the lid as the sound of blaster fire drops off, then dies out altogether. With the sound of rushing water threatening to drown him, Red stands up and looks inside the tank, just in time to see the last of the Kree be swept down the drain.
“Heyya Red… Little hand here…”
Red spins in place at the sound, then walks to the edge of the tank to see Thanos hanging on the handle. Realization dawns on Red. “Thanos! Thy scurvy dog! Thine plan worked to perfection!”
“Are the Kree all gone?” Thanos asks as Red hoists him up.
“Aye. Now, by the icky dropping littering the grounds under the World Tree; mayhap we can determine the cause of the blockage…” At the mention of the word ‘blockage’, a mighty roar is heard. Louder then when the water drained out of the tank. ‘Thanos… Thanos, you fool! You forgot about the blockage!”
“Yeah, but the Kree…”
“Yes, thine plan got rid of the Kree, but the blockage still persists! Now all the water from the tank is flowing into the bowl… the Kree ARE turning the water a pleasant blue color… but the blockage still stands! The water is going to overflow!” All around the rim of the toilet, water flows over the top, carrying the bodies of the dead Kree with it.
“This is kinda like Niagara Falls”, Thanos says, as he sits down to watch. “I shoulda packed a picnic lunch…”
“Thanos! There is a limit to the unending powers of mighty Mop-nir! We needs to clean this mess up, straight-away!”
“I thought you said it was unending?”
“Oh, that’s just a metaphor. Now… Stand thee back…” Red spins Mop-nir about him, then unleashes the mighty weapon. It flies true to the deepest part of the overflow, and starts to absorb it. Soon, water is draining in from other parts of the floor. But… the flow gets less and less… with a last gasp, Mop-nir gives a valiant effort, and then falls to the floor with a clank! Reds eyebrows climb to the top of his forehead as he whispers, “To think that the mightiest enchantment of Odin has been strangled by the toilet of Galactus…”
Thanos barely suppresses a chuckle thinking about Red’s statement. “With the overflow stopped, Red. Maybe we can see about removing the clog, itself.”
“Aye… Aye… But mighty Mop-nir…”
“C’mon, Red! You’re the drain king of the nine worlds!” Thanos tries to console the stricken god of potties. “This shouldn’t be a problem for one of your mighty plumbing stature! Surely, you have something in your plumber’s van…”
“We didst not bring the van…”
“We didst bring thine infernal scooter! Thanos! Thou dullard! We’re not going to get paid, now!”
“Don’t call Thanos of Titan a dullard! I have a backup plan; I always do.”
“And thy backup plan would be…?”
“Well, I was thinking that we should head back and raid the refrigerator, then tell Galactus that a bunch of Kree were plugging his toilet, then run when we get the money.”
“By the unvarnished codpiece of the Destroyer’s armor, that isn’t a backup plan, Thanos. Are thou ready to listen to me?”
“I still like the refrigerator idea…”
“Thou will jump in the bowl and use thine powers to dispel the water, then thou and I will travel ‘upstream’ until we encounter the blockage. Hopefully, by that time, mighty Mop-nir will be dried out. To me, my Mop-nir!”, red yells, extending a hand. The handle end of Mop-nir lifts from the floor feebly, then drops again, still.
“I really like my idea better than that one!” Thanos protests with his hands on his hips, striking a defiant pose.”
“By the unending runs of Fandrall’s pantyhose, thou WILL listen!” Red vows, as he pushes Thanos from behind, sending him toward the quiet water still in the bowl, many stories below. Red hears Thanos yell “Cannonballlllllllll…” as he falls, before the water swallows him up, a mighty splash causing more water to spill over the edge. Thanos starts screaming about being in toilet water, then firing blasts from his gauntlets. The blasts strike the water, causing it to stream, quickly emptying the water from the bowl. Red pulls a length of rope from his overalls, and ties it to the handle, then repels down to the edge of the bowl. The water level in the toilet has dropped many feet by now, but Thanos is still firing wildly. Red pulls out a pair of enchanted goggles, which let him see through the stream. Red dons the goggles, then sits and watches Thanos battling imaginary toilet monsters.
After a few hours, Thanos has reduced most of the water to steam, but he still staggers at the basin of the toilet, idly firing blasts at puddles of water, murmuring, “…toilet trout… water monsters…back to the Uranus from which you spawned…sewer snakes…”
Red puts a hand on Thanos shoulder, then ducks as Thanos spins wildly, gauntlets firing, leaving scorch marks inside the toilet. “Thanos… Thanos of Titan… Thine chore is done! Thanos… sooth thine energies… Thine task is over…” Thanos shakes his head, clearing the images of nightmares from his brain. Then, his eyes fix on Red, and his gauntlets start to glow.
“YOU! You pushed me into the water! I’ll kill you!” Thanos vows, throwing his hands around Red’s neck.
“…ack! Thanos!” Red chokes out. “We needed… get rid… of the water… bonus… free beer…”
“Even free beer won’t save you from my wrath, Asgardian! I’m going to choke all the beer you’ve ever drank out of you, THEN I’ll send you to meet my mistress!”
Thanos has both hands locked around Red’s neck, choking for all he’s worth; Red is staggering and gasping for breath; both come to a complete stop as a haunting sound whispers out from the back of the toilet drain: “… help…”
“What was that?” Thanos asks. Both Red and Thanos are staring at the dark entrance of the drain, frozen at the sound.
“…help me…” the mournful cry issue forth again.
“Thanos screams, “It’s the king of the sewer snakes! I’m getting out of here!” But, thanks to the water and the smooth porcelain, he makes zero progress, running in place like Fred Flintstone.
“…Tha…nos…please…let…go…of…my…neck!” Red pleads.
“Oops! Sorry ‘bout that. Now get outta my way”, Thanos says, still running in place.
“…wait…Tha…nos… Wait! It’s probably the source of the blockage! This is why we’re here. We need to clear it out.”
“A talking blockage? The only thing I’m clearing out is ME!”
“But Thanos… You aren’t getting anywhere…” Thanos looks down at his feet, which are still moving, then slow to a stop.
“See, Thanos! Something’s trapped in there! We need to remove it, then we can get paid.”
“…ok… You go first, though!”
“Aye. By the un-nerving symbolism of the Rainbow Bridge, I vow to remove yonder clog, and set the sewer systems of Mighty Galactus aright!”
“Sure thing, Red… Let me get my pitchfork first… I know it’s around here someplace.”
“Nay. Thou stuck it in a Kree in the battle tank-side.”
“Heh… Kree on a stick…I always loved that story…Ok. Now, I’m ready to battle yonder clog. I mean, the clog!”
Red pulls out a couple of lights like miners were on their hardhats. Thanos attaches his to the top of his scuba suit; Red strings his between the horns of his Viking helmet. Red summons Mop-nir to him and Thanos brandishes his shovel in a menacing manner. With Red in the lead, the valiant plumber and his purple helper venture into the toilet drain.
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