INT. PERRY WHITE'S OFFICE -- DAY.

BATGIRL

Hey, where did Jimmy and Superboy go?

MATRIX

They went to the washroom.

BATGIRL

Together?

MATRIX

Boys always go the washroom in pairs. It's a guy thing.

PERRY

I would say the #1 priority is to find Superman.

LOIS

I can double-check the Fortress of Solitude up north.

ERADICATOR

I will check my own Fortress down south.

BATMAN

I'll ask my Bativac computer, and Batgirl

can organize a search party from the JLA.

Jimmy and Superboy ENTER.

JIMMY

Um, guys, me and my new sidekick just had

a little chat, and we have a theory.

Between my office gossip and his overactive

sex drive, we may have figured it out.

Perry makes pooh-poohing gestures, but Lois is willing to listen.

LOIS

We have to treat the kids as equals.

It's their time now. Go ahead guys. Jimmy?

JIMMY

Have you considered that maybe we're looking for

the wrong person? I mean, nobody can find Superman

... so, um, maybe we should be looking for Clark?

PERRY

Yes, where is Clark Kent? He's always disappearing

whenever Superman is out of town, and frankly --

I'm starting to get suspicious!

LOIS

(sighs)

What's your idea?

JIMMY

Um, you're not going to like this Lois, but has

anyone seen Lana Lang since Clark Kent disappeared?

LOIS

(coldly)

Perry?

PERRY

She, um, she took sick leave. That's why she

couldn't make the funeral.

LOIS

How much sick leave?

PERRY

Just ten days. She should be back soon.

LOIS

When did she take this leave?

PERRY

Come to think of it, it was right after she took

that personal phone call, the day after Superman died.

LOIS

I see. And did she look very sick?

PERRY

She looked fine to me, so I mentioned it,

and then she had a coughing fit. She went home

to Smallville to recuperate.

LOIS

That scheming cat!

Superboy starts grooving and singing.

SUPERBOY

Love shack! Baby love shack! Love shack bay-ay-bee!

ERADICATOR

I will fly you to Smallville, Miss Lane.

SUPERBOY

Funny little shack! Funky little shack!

LOIS

Titian-haired beauty my eye! I'll rip out those

titian tresses and make her eat them!

SUPERBOY

(singsong voice)

Catfight! Catfight!

Eradicator picks up Lois and flies her out of the window. Superboy follows.

SUPERBOY

Wait up! No way I'm missing this!

CUT TO:

EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT OF LANA LANG'S SMALLVILLE HOME -- DAY.

TITLE: "Smallville, Kansas."

CUT TO:

INT. LANA LANG'S SMALLVILLE HOME -- DAY.

LANA LANG is practising her boxercize to the THUMPING DISCO STRAINS of "Do It To Me, Superman."

The doorbell RINGS. She turns off the cd, hides the BOXING GLOVES, puts on a BATHROBE, sticks a THERMOMETER in her mouth, sprays water on her forehead. Doorbell RINGS AGAIN.

At the last moment she remembers to take out the thermometer and warm it up next to the LAMP BULB. Then she checks a MIRROR, practises a forlorn expression and staggers wearily to the door.

ENTER Lois, Superboy and The Eradicator.

LOIS

Lana you poor dear, I heard you were sick.

LANA

Lois, my dearest friend! What's that smell?

I asked myself. And suddenly I knew that

unique combination of printer's ink,

hairspray and knock-off perfume could only mean

that Lois Lane is back in town!

Superboy makes gag-me-with-a-spoon gestures as the ladies kiss each other on both cheeks and Lois helps her to a chair.

LOIS

What a lovely titian colour your hair is!

You'll have to lend me a bottle some time.

LANA

You're such a role model for young girls,

Lois! Not every woman can honestly say

she's well over 40, and still a virgin!

LOIS

Sad to say, some girls don't keep it past 14!

They AD LIB a bit. It gets cattier and cattier.

PAN to 2 SHOT of Superboy and The Eradicator.

SUPERBOY

(whispers to The Eradicator)

These 2 could give lessons to Selena Kyle!

BACK TO SCENE.

They get around to Clark's whereabouts.

LANA

Clark's been such a dear! As soon as I

got home I called him, and he flew all the way

to be at my side. I mean, he caught a plane.

LOIS

How fortunate for you to have such a good friend.

Some women would have to call a doctor,

or a relative, or someone who lives in the same state.

LANA

Clark is so attentive! He fusses over me,

and holds my hand, and mops my fevered brow ...

LOIS

I hope it's not catching, your temperature of

200 degrees! Oh, and her lamp is missing

it's shade. Eradicator, help the dear woman.

He puts it back.

LANA

And he runs errands for me. Since I'm bedridden.

Yes, I've been in bed all week, while dear,

sweet Clark goes to the drugstore for me and

gets the groceries. He's in and out all day.

In and out and in and out and in and out,

all day every day, while I lie in bed.

Why, the poor man must be exhausted!

LOIS

And where is he now?

LANA

Business up north, he said. He had to go.

I mean, he's been super, but a man has his limits!

LOIS

That's all I needed to know. Guys, Lana and I

need to have a little girl talk.

SUPERBOY

Yes! Catfight! Male demographic rulz! We get to watch!

LOIS and LANA

Oh no you don't!

CUT TO:

EXT. LANA LANG'S HOUSE -- DAY.

Door opens and Superboy and the Eradicator EXIT, at the end of Lois' foot!

Door SLAMS behind them.

THUMPS AND CRASHES from inside.

Superboy turns to camera.

SUPERBOY

Not us! Keep the camera on them, you idiot!

Not us, them! them! ... THEM!

CUT TO:

EXT. OPEN SKY -- DAY.

AERIAL SHOT of The Eradicator flying north with Lois in his arms, Superboy tagging along.

CLOSE-UP on Lois' black eye. Then PULL BACK.

LOIS

Isn't she great? You know guys, scrapping with

Lana is some of the best exercise I get!

SUPERBOY

One catfight this whole stupid movie,

and it happens offscreen. What a rip off!

CUT TO:

EXT. THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE -- DAY.

LOIS

Could one of you big, strong he-men fly over

to that Giant Key and open the door for me?

I can't lift it ... I'm only a girl!

Eradicator takes a few steps, Superboy shoulders him aside.

SUPERBOY

This looks like a job for Superboy!

He opens the door.

CLOSE-UP on Superboy.

SUPERBOY

I am definitely makin' some progress!

CUT TO:

EXT. THE NORTH ATLANTIC -- DAY.

UNDERWATER CAMERA shows a distortion in the water. The invisible submarine is also makin' some progress.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SUBMARINE BRIDGE -- DAY.

Humanite in his Doomsday form is captain, and various henchmen run errands saying things like "Aye, aye, cap'n!"

REYNOLDS

I do not understand, Master, why must we

wear these yellow uniforms? They are so ugly!

HUMANITE

For the same reason I make you each carry

in your pockets a common wooden pencil.

To avoid outside interference! Green Lantern's

power ring is useless against anything yellow.

And the magic of Dr. Fate is equally ineffective

in the presence of wood. This time,

there will be no mistakes. Nothing will be

left to chance. There is no ally who can help him;

there is no combination of opponents that might

prove effective; there is no potential strategy

that has any chance of success!

REYNOLDS

(sycophantic)

How will my Master kill Superman? He is invulnerable,

and beating him up didn't work last time.

HUMANITE

I have 2 ray-guns, one on each power-glove.

Doomsday was designed to be ambidextrous.

The one mounted on my left hand artificially

simulates red-star radiation; it will rob

Superman of his powers. The one on my right hand

is the death-ray. All I have to do is

cross the beams -- and no more Superman!

Would you like me to demonstrate, Reynolds?

REYNOLDS

I'll, um, I'll take it as read.

REYNOLDS EXITS to another part of the submarine.

HUMANITE

This is the end, Man of Steel -- this is the end!

You may posses unbelievable strength,

but you are pitting yourself against a mental giant!

No-one can beat me! No man can defeat me!

The legend of Superman is over, and the day

of the Humanite has only begun!

CUT TO:

INT. THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE -- DAY.

Lois, Superboy and The Eradicator creep along quietly, looking for evidence of Superman's recent presence. During which we PAN such famous features as the TROPHY ROOM, with SOUVENIRS of past cases, the SCIENCE LAB where he tries to find a cure for Kryptonite poisoning, and the ART STUDIO where he paints landscapes of alien planets he's been to. They find ambiguous clues, i.e. a BOOK missing from a bookshelf, an OPEN DOOR she's sure she left closed, etc. The director can milk this with SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC and POV shots.

Superboy and The Eradicator find The Clark Kent Room.

SUPERBOY

Wow! A whole roomful of memorabilia dedicated

"to my best friend -- Clark Kent." Hey,

that proves they must be different people!

Lois sticks her head in the door.

LOIS

Shh! Do you hear that?

She beckons them outside. They EXIT The Clark Kent Room.

LOIS

It sounds like running water.

SOUND EFFECT as we hear it too.

LOIS

We'd better proceed with caution.

It could be Patrick Ewing in that shower.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC. She starts to creep along.

SUPERBOY

(tapping her shoulder)

Lois, you blew your line.

LOIS

I beg your pardon. I did not blow my line.

SUPERBOY

Yes, you did. You screwed up the reference.

Patrick Ewing is a basketball player.

LOIS

(conspiratorially)

Yes, and I've often suspected him of being Steel.

Think about it. He's 7 feet tall, he's black,

he's handsome and he knows New York like

the back of his hand. And have you ever seen

a picture of the two of them together?

Well, have you? ... Marked out!

You were buyin' it flyboy, you were buyin' it

big time! Start printing the t-shirts:

Superboy marks out for Lois Lane!

SUPERBOY

You kinda like me, don't you Lois?

She musses his hair.

LOIS

Yeah, Superboy, I kinda like you.

Stick with me, kid, you'll be okay.

CUT TO:

INT. THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE, THE BATHROOM -- DAY.

CLOSE-UP on a fogged-up SHOWER STALL, in which a MALE FORM can be seen taking a shower. He is singing "Woke up this morning, what did I see?/ A big black cloud hanging over me ..." ("Fly Like Superman" by The Kinks.)

PAN OVER to the doorway. Lois, Superboy and Eradicator peek in.

CLOSE-UP on their puzzled expressions. Lois shrugs.

LOIS

(whispers)

Kal always sings in the shower! It's him!

ERADICATOR

(restraining her)

That or a clever trap, baited with a hologram

and a recording of his voice.

LOIS

Well, there's only one way to find out.

She barges in.

LOIS

Hi Honey, I'm home!

WAIST-UP SHOT as Superman turns off the water and EXITS the shower naked.

SUPERMAN

Lois, you're picking up strays again --

I warned you about that.

She hands him a JLA LOGO TOWEL, and he wraps it around himself.

SUPERMAN

Sorry guys, but I thought I was alone.

LOIS

You know, Kal, if you didn't have super-hearing,

that line might actually work on women!

SUPERMAN

Hey, nice shiner.

LOIS

You should see the other woman.

SUPERMAN

(to Superboy)

Not that I'm not glad to see you, Superboy,

but I think you should spin like a top again and

break through the time-barrier. If we spend too much

time together, it could create paradoxes.

SUPERBOY

I'm not you as a kid. I'm the new Superboy.

Don't you watch TV?

SUPERMAN

Huh?

Lois takes him in her arms.

SUPERBOY

(looking down)

Uh, Rad, from the way that towel is hanging,

I think we should leave 'em alone for a couple of minutes!

SUPERMAN

(grins)

Make it 5 minutes, guys! They don't call me

"super" for nothing!

To be continued.

We hope you enjoyed this chapter of a screenplay of what a Superman V movie could have been!  If you enjoyed it, please let us know by e-mailing cpufeedback@yahoo.com or by filling out the form below.

E-mail feedback/submissions to cpufeedback@yahoo.com