Drunk Thanos #16
Written by Grim, Edited by Marvelite
CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A PG-13 AUDIENCE
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!
Mutant Menace @ The Infinity Saloon
The Infinity Saloon on a quite afternoon. Willie is polishing the glassware and a few regulars are talking quietly. A couple of guys are shooting pool in the back room. Suddenly, the door is kicked open and a bunch of strangely dressed people rush in.
“Where did he go?”
“We saw him come in here. Is there a back entrance?”
“Mebbe he’s hiding in the bathrooms. I’ve lost his trail.”
Willie comes around the end of the bar with a shotgun, “What in tarnation is going on here? Mr. Thanos isn’t even here.”
“Thanos? Did he say Thanos?”
“Uhmm… We’re not looking for Thanos…”
“Yeah… We’re looking for Apocalypse… He kinda looks like Thanos…”
Willie levels the shotgun “Taint no one in here looks like that! No get on out of ‘ere! Unlessen you aim to have a drink or two…”
A quiet pop sounds behind Willie and he spins around to see Thanos sitting at the bar.
“Don’t mind if I DO have a drink, Willie-my-friend… Who are those weirdoes?”
“We’re the X-Men! And we’re here to take you down, Apocalypse!”
“We’re the X-Men; a band of mutants who’ve banded together to protect humanity, weather they want to be protected or not.
“Well, I’m not the guy you’re looking for and I don’t care what you X-rated people have banded together for. I just wanna have a cold beer and watch the Laker's game.”
“X-team Alpha, take the left flank, Beta team, take the right flank, Gamma team, stay back in reserve, Delta team, provide air support…”
“How goddam many X-Rated people did you bring?”
“We’re not X-Rated! We’re the X-Men… And X-Women, I guess… Anyway, we’re here to take you down for tampering with the destiny of mankind.”
“You tamper all ya want, just don’t get between me and the TV come game time or…”
“Idle threats don’t scare us, Apocalypse! Bravo team, cover the alley, Charlie team, up on the roof, Delta team, watch the back stairs…”
“I’m not Apocalyptic…”
“G team, look for a basement entrance, PG team block the streets outside, R team, scan for Apocalypse’s allies, X team… X team…? X team! Get off each other!”
“Look here. I have a cold beer in front of me, the games getting ready to start, and you’re starting to annoy me…”
“Mercury team, protect the bystanders, Venus team, long range attack, Earth team short range attacks…”
“The games getting ready to start. There’s so many of you freaks in here, I can’t even hear the announcer. WILLIE, Could Ya Turn It Up A Little?”
“Mustang team, drain his energy, Corvette team, flash gang signs to distract him, Camaro team, monitor the battle from afar…”
“How many of you freaks are there?”
“Yankee team… Oh wait… that’s been used. I’m not sure how many of us there are. We lived in relative obscurity for a long time, even almost died out for awhile. Then we became mega-popular and are everywhere! I see what you’re saying though. Hey X-Men! Listen up! Most of you have to return to the mansion. We’re going to violate the fire-code for this structure. So, anyone who ISN’T a classic X-Man, please return to the mansion…”
“But I just got here…”
“The game getting ready to start…”
“I couldn’t find a parking spot anyway…”
“I left my kids in the Morlock tunnel, so I’m glad to go…”
“I was only here to get a cold beer, myself…”
Thanos climbs on his chair “LISTEN UP! The games startin’ Get the hell outta here!” All the X-Men file out of the bar. “Whew, Willie, I didn’t think they’d ever leave…”
The door slams back open “Wait a minute! You can’t get rid of us that easy! X-Men deploy!”
“I don’t have time for this, the game’s already started!”
Storm steps between Thanos and the television. “Villain, we are here to take you into custody. And by the powers of the storm, I shall…”
“Did you say ‘powers of the storm’? That must make you the one that controls the weather, right?”
“Uhmmm, right! I am Storm, goddess of nature. The winds, the rain, the lightning, are mind to command…”
Thanos picks up the remote and aims it at her; pushes one of the buttons. “Not anymore!”
“What? What have you done? I can’t command the storm anymore…!”
“I switched you from ‘Weather-Channel’ to ‘Home & Garden channel’. Now go paint a house or something.” The Beast swings down from the ceiling and deftly plucks the remote from Thanos’ hands.
“You won’t be needing that, anymore.”
“Blue-human, so help me, if you change the channel…”
The Beast does a double flip and ends up standing by Cyclops, holding the remote aloft in triumph. “I got his power source, Cyke…”
Thanos gets up, walks around the table and advances on Cyclops. “You WILL give that back to me.”
“Behind me, X-Men! Cyclops eyebeam shoots out and Thanos is bathed in its red light. The beam doesn’t even slow Thanos down, his eyes on the remote that the Beast has handed to Cyclops. Thanos grabs Cyclops hand and twists it, catching the remote as it starts to fall. Then, as an afterthought he pinches the two halves of Cyclops visor together.
“Quit shining your light at me.” Cyclops stumbles around, trying to get his visor open. Thanos goes back over and sits in front of the TV. The Beast flips down from the ceiling and tries to grab the remote again. Thanos grabs the Beast’s wrist and looks him in the eye. With his other hand, Thanos takes his Grape-drop and pours it over the top of the Beast’s head. The Beast lets out a scream, and all his blue fur starts coming off in patches. Even his clothes are disintegrated. The Beast blushes and covers his privates and runs outside yelling, “I only work in family stories! I don’t get paid enough for this.”
“Willie, I seem to have spilled my drink. Could you get another one for me? Damn, I’ve missed the opening tip thanks to you morons.”
“And you going to miss a lot more, villain…”Iceman moves to stand between Thanos and the TV. Thanos leans forward and, using a napkin, wipes off a circle on Iceman’s stomach. Then, he sits back to watch the game THROUGH Bobby Drake’s body. “Hey… HEY…! You can’t do that! Iceman refrosts his stomach and strikes a defiant pose.” Thanos sighs, gets up, and goes to the bar to get another Grape-drop. While there, he grabs an icepick and sits back down. After a sip of his drink, a lite beer with a grape in it, Thanos leans forward and chips a hole in the middle of Iceman. Then, working a little faster, Thanos cuts Iceman in half! Iceman’s torso slides off onto the floor with a slushy crash.
“Willie! I’ve got some ice for your mixed drinks. Wish I could drink them… Too strong for my delicate stomach, though.”
“Hey! HEY! I’m still down here! You can’t get rid of me just by chopping me in half! Hey!” Thanos leans over and chips Iceman’s jawbone off.
“Will you be quiet now? It’s already the first commercial break and I haven’t seen a bit of the game, thanks to you morons.”
Colossus steps in front of Thanos. “Villain… Your time of justice is at hand.”
“Whoa… I must be drunker than I thought. I’ve never seen a giant, talking beer can before.”
“What? I’m Colossus, strongest of the X-Men.”
“I don’t care what brand you are, beercan, get out of the way.”
“Never, villain…” Thanos stands up and puts both hands on Colossus’ head and starts to push down.
“Hey! HEY! What are you doing?”
“Crushing the loudest beercar I’m ever seen.”
“Awk! Heeeeeey! Stop it!” Colossus protests as Thanos crushes him down a tenth of his size.
“Hey, Willie! Here’s a big one for the recycling bin!” Thanos picks what’s left of Colossus and throws him behind the bar, smooshing the garbage bag set up for empty cans. Willie gives Thanos a dirty look and Thanos shrugs his shoulders. Now, X’s, you will let me watch the game in peace!”
“Sorry, can’t do that. We have to take you in.”
“And who are you supposed to be, Birdman?”
“I’m the Avenging Angel, and you’re going to jail.”
“Don’t think so…” Thanos reaches over to the wall and flips on the ceiling fan. The Angel, already hampered by the low ceiling in the saloon, gets knocked out by the whirling blades and crumples to the floor.”
“Now I can watch the game…”
“No, Apocalypse, We’ve come to stop your reign of terror!” Jean Grey steps between Thanos and the television with a look of concentration on her face. “Reading your thoughts… mind meld… mental telepathy…”
“… Brain scan… I can’t do it! He’s too drunk! The testosterone in his system…It’s shorting out my mind…I can’t handle it…” Jean crumples to the floor.”
“I could’ve told ya that my mind is off limits… especially when the Laker's are on!”
“Jean! Jean are you ok? Jean!” Professor X rolls his wheel chair between Thanos and the TV to see if Phoenix is ok.
Thanos looks at him funny. “Mr. Picard, you need to move…”
“Jean?! What’d that inhuman monster do to you?” Thanos picks up the icepick again and stabs Xavier’s right tire on his chair. Air starts hissing out immediately. “What? What have you done to me? I’m listing to starboard! X-Men! Quick! I’m listing!”
“If you don’t shut up, I’ll flatten your other tire and make that thing a low-rider! Cyclops, still fighting with his visor, stumbles into Professor X and they both fall to the floor.
“Oooo, ya shouldna’ done tat.”
“Who are you?”
“Da name’s Gambit… I’ve got a card for ya.” Gambit charges up a playing card and throws it at Thanos. Thanos catches it out of the air and looks at it.
“I said ‘hit me’.”
Gambit throws another. Thanos catches. This goes on until Thanos has five cards in his hand. Thanos lays the cards out on the table and yells “Full house! I win.” Gambit leans forward and sees that Thanos does indeed have three aces and two eights. While Gambit is leaned over checking out the cards, Thanos grabs the back of Gambit’s trenchcoat and pulls it up and over Gambit’s head, then down in front, then wraps it around his stomach and ties it together in back.
“Mon amie…”, is heard from under the jacket. Thanos grabs one of Gambit’s outstretched hands and spins him like a top. After about ten revolutions, he trips on Xavier’s wheelchair and lands heavily on both Professor X and Cyclops.
“The first quarter’s almost over and I’ve missed most of it thanks to you idiots! Now get out o’ here!”
“Can’t do that, Apocalypse. I’m Cannonball. I’m invulerable when I’m blastin’, so your little tricks won’t work on me!”
“You look like a country boy to me…”
“That’s right. Are you going to come along peacefully or…?”
“Nope. I’m not going to come along at all.” Thanos slams the table with his fist. The loose change sitting there jumps up in the air. Thanos snatches a quarter out of the air and, without looking, throws it across the room. The quarter makes a half-turn and flies right into the coin slot on the jukebox. “Kobe ain’t got nothing on me.” The song, ‘I’m the real Slim Shady” starts up.
“Arggggh!” Cannonball covers his ears with his hands. “I hate that rap stuff. I can’t take it anymore.” He starts blasting and flies out through the door.
“Don’t know a good song when he hear’s it. Now I can watch the game.”
“Nein! We’re here to take you in.” Nightcrawler lands on the table next to Thanos, spilling his beer.
“What the hell?! You spilled my beer. Willie!” Thanos grabs Nightcrawler’s tail at the end with both hands. Pulling it taunt with one fist, Thanos slides his other fist down the tail to the base of Nightcrawler’s spine, rubbing the hair the wrong direction. Nightcrawler howls like a cat and runs across the room and up the wall, screaming. Thanos looks down at his hands and sees leftover blue hairs all over his palms. “Yikes! I knew doing ‘that’ might cause hair to grow there…Waitaminnit”… Thanos wipes his hands on his pants and the hair is brushed off. “WHEW! That had me scared for a second. Willie, I need another Grape-drop!”
Willie comes running with a fresh drink, stumbles over a comatose x-man laying on the floor, and the beer flies out of his hand. Thanos catches it out of the air and sets it on the table. “Willie, don’t throw ‘em. They get all fizzy and I don’t like that.”
“Sorry Mr. Thanos… This ones on the house.”
“Alright! The Laker’s are on and I got a free drink!”
“They’re not on anymore, bub!” Wolverine reaches behind the television and cuts the power cord. Thanos eyes get real big in disbelief. Like a shot, he’s out of his chair and standing by Wolverine. Thanos grabs one of his arms and snaps off two of the claws.”
“HEY! You can’t do that! That’s adamantium!”
“You shouldn’t have cut the cable. That’s the Laker’s!” Thanos takes Wolverine’s arm and rams the last claw into the outlet. Wolverine starts jumping and twitching. “I’d like to stay and dance with ya, but I gotta find a new place to watch the game.”
“Mr. Thanos, why don’t cha go back to the manager’s room and watch it on his set.”
“Thanks, Willie! That’s mighty nice of ya. I’ll make sure to pay my tab this month.
“See that you do, Mr. Thanos…”
“Are you threatening Thanos of Titan, Willie…?”
“Yep, guess I am. If ya don’t pay your tab, I can’t get ya anymore Grape-drops…”
“Oh, I see. No problem. I’ll pay on time, Willie.
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