Drunk Thanos #6
Written by Grim and edited by Marvelite
"THANOS AND DOOM TOUR TIME AND SPACE"
CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A PG-13 AUDIENCE
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!
This story was slightly modified from an idea by Azmodi, writer of the Twilight War.
Victor Von Doom sits on his throne, an un-easy monarch in an un-easy country. A light starts blinking, indicating that a being of power will soon be appearing. Doom turns his attention to the center of the throne room, while powering up his armor and preparing the mystic spells in his arsenal. A spot off the floor starts glowing, getting bigger, soon Thanos of Titan is revealed.
"Thanos, what vile scheme have you concocted now? Know you this, Doom will not fall to the likes of you!"
"Doom. The people have long wondered who was the better between the two of us. Tonight I plan on proving myself to be the strongest there is!"
"This time youre wrong, Titan. Let us settle this for once and all But someplace else as I wish no harm to my beloved countrymen."
"I know just the place!"
"Thanos! Howd you keep getting in here? Jack watches the door like a hawk and still you show up! An everytime ya do, the bar gets wrecked!"
"Willie, I plan no wreaking sprees tonight. Im just going to have a contest with my pal Doom here "
"Ah, god. With a name like that Id better call my insurance agent right now."
"AFTER you set us up for our contest Well take that table over in the corner, next to the jukebox. Bring us each one lite beer each hour until one of us passes out."
"At least let me move the jukebox before you get to beatin on each other."
"NO. Doom will require drinking music! Do you have any Britny Spears on that thing?"
"Here ya go, Mr. Thanos. One lite beer for you with a grape "
"Why did he get a coaster? The monarch of Latveria requires a coaster as well."
"And a lite beer for your friend WITH a coaster. Im gonna go call my insurance guy, now."
"I will also require a straw. For my beer. To drink it."
"Ah, jeeze. Ill see if I still have any left over from when Iron Man usta stop in here for lunch three or four times a day."
"Tee hee "
"What is it Thanos?"
"When he said Iron Man, it reminded me of the time I got him to drink WD-40."
"Dont get me giggling, Thanos "
"I told him it would be good for the inside of his armor "
"Dammit, Thanos "
"He spent the whole night in the Batcave, throwing up "
"STOP! I command you "
"Everytime he barfed, it came out his mouth hole and both his eye holes "
"Dammit, Thanos, you know how I am when I get the giggles "
"Hed barf and Ben Grimm would make this ZZAAAAPPPT sound effect "
"Oh, no "
"And Id say, Iron Man shoots his puke-laser at the Mandarin "
"Im gonna pee my armor! Now stop!"
"Grimm would hold his head under water and rinse him off. If you look real close, you can see toilet bowl rings around his neck."
"Ahhhhhh!", Doom screams, grabbing himself and running for the Batcave.
"OK Mr. Thanos. This is the third round. Your credit is used up. No more beer until I get some money."
"But my last bottle had a mouse in it."
"No it didnt. And if it would have, youd still drink it. Now pay me for the beer."
"Here, Thanos. Ill pay for the beer tonight. Take this money, bartender, and bother us not. So speaks Doom!"
"No where in the hell am I gonna get Doom-Marks exchanged? Doesnt it take about a zillion of these to equal a dollar anyway? Jack. JACK! Cmere and throw these two bums out on their ear!"
"You heard the man. Out ya go. Come back when you got some more money."
"Stupid bouncer. Always throwing me out. Now were never gonna settle our bet. We need to get some money."
"I know where we can get some "
"Teleport us back to my castle."
"Teleport us back. To my castle. Then well use my time machine "
"I dont want to."
"What? Why not?"
"Do you know how many miles I have on my belt-buckle? Im about due for an oil change!"
"Thanos, you dont change the oil in teleportation devices. Dont you remember the third week of Villains 101: Hunting and Escaping?"
"I was dead then."
"Oh. Anyway, you dont oil things like that. You just give them a once-over with a damp cloth."
"Oh. OK, then. Lets go."
"This is your time machine?"
"I had to rebuild it after my last encounter with that infernal Richards."
"But, did you have to build it like that?"
"Its sporty, but ergonomically correct."
"Its a damn mo-ped. You dont have a time platform anymore, you have a time scooter! Im not getting on that thing."
"But I know of a place where we can swindle the people out of A LOT of money. Annnnnnnnd, Ill let you wear the Ghost Rider helmet."
"Lets go, then!"
"Vance, Im reading something off the bow Seems to be two humanoids on a mechanical contraption."
"Have them brought to the airlock, Chunky, They may need our assistance."
"So, youre the infamous Victor Von Doom. And youre Thanos of Titan. Would you mind telling me what the heck you were doing riding a mo-ped outside the orbit of Saturn in the 31st century?"
"It was his idea."
"It was not. Its his damn time machine, I mean time-moped, that aint working. We wont cause any trouble, Mr. Astrovik. Just let us rest for a bit then well be on our way to find the lost treasure of Blackbeard. Aint that right Doom?"
"Dont blame me, Thanos. Im not used to the controls of my time machine yet."
"Anyone knows that you dont put forward/reverse on the same handle bar with spatial targeting."
"I thought it was past/future. No wonder we ended up here."
"After we get back home, If I win the bet, Ill help you rebuild your time platform. Now, may we stay and rest for a short visit, Mr. Astrovik?"
"If you promise to not destroy the universe, Ill let you stay for a short while."
"Ok, I promise. Why dont you introduce us?"
"Ok. This is Charlie-27, the pilot of out ship. We call him Chunky."
"After the Campbells soup?"
"Shut up, Thanos, lookit how big he is! They arent gonna call him chicken noodle, are they?"
"How about cream of mushroom?" Doom kick Thanos under the table.
"The person serving your drink is Martinex. We call him Marty."
"Just a second. Hold you arm right there " Thanos whips out an ice pick and knocks an ice-cube sized bit of Martinexs arm off. The cube lands in Thanos glass and he sits back with a big smile on his face. "Cant have a drink without ice, I always say."
"This is Nikita. Shes from Mercury."
"If the microwave goes out, can you cook on top of her head?" Doom kicks Thanos under the table again.
"And Im Vance Astrovik. I go by Vance."
"Hold still, Vance; you have a loose thread on your uniform." Thanos reaches out and gives the thread a yank. The suit lets out a disgusting breath of stale 1000 year old air and Vance crumples to the deck, unconscious."
"YOU murdered him!", Nikita screams, "That suit was the only thing keeping him alive, He was over 1000 years old and now hes gone!"
"No, Im not." Everyone jumps back stunned as Vance sits up. "Im not dead. Actually I dont think I need this suit at all "
"Oh, Vance I so happy your alive", Nikky weeps.
"My name isnt Vance either." Vance stands up and removes the now-worthless suit, revealing Dick Clark!
"See, Im just fine without the suit."
"Mr. Clark, you still look the same from where I come from; the Twentieth century", says Doom.
"Ive tried to stay youthful looking for all the boppers and teens out there. Now hurry, we have to get back to Earth. I cant be late."
"That explains why we have to return to Earth EVERY year", grumbles Charlie-27. "And I thought it was just for the fireworks."
"Thats right, Chunky-old-boy! I have to be there to host Dick Clarks New Years Rockin Eve. I signed a contract with ABC for 10,000 years."
"What is going on in here?," Yondu asks, walking into the control room. "And who are these guys?"
Dick takes over without missing a beat; "Now appearing with the Guardians of the Galaxy Its Yondu, to do his new tune to get all you young boppers up and dancing, The song is Magic Arrow! Hit it Yondu!"
"What the hell is he talking about? And WHO is he?"
"That used to be Vance, Yondu", Nikky explains. "And thats Doom and Thanos. Their mo-ped broke down and we stopped to help them."
"Do I understand that you can do magic, Mr. Yondu?" asks Doom. "Im no slouch, myself," he says whipping out a deck of cards. After shuffling them a few times, he holds the deck out, faces away from him and asks Martinex to pick a card. Martinex does so, and, covertly looking at Thanos who is scratching his heart with five fingers, Doom says "Your card is the Five of Hearts!"
"WOW! Howd he do that? Thats amazing! Do it again!" Doom shuffles the cards and holds them out to Nikky. She holds it up and looks at it. No one sees Thanos pulling up a dress and holding his thumbs and forefingers together.
"Your card is
the Queen of Diamonds!"
"WOW! Howd he do that? Thats amazing! Do it again!" Doom shuffles the cards and holds them out to Yondu. Yondu holds up his card and looks at it. No one sees Thanos pointing at Doom.
"Your card is is is " Thanos points even harder at Doom and makes a circle on his head. " is a KING! Of " Thanos gets a scared look on his face and starts making shoveling motions. "Of of SHOVELS! I mean Spades! King of Spades!"
"WOW! Howd he do that? Thats amazing! Do it again!" Doom shuffles the cards and puts them back in his pocket. For my next trick, I need someone to give me a quarter. Vance AstroClark steps up and hands Doom a quarter, while flashing a toothy smile for the audience.
Doom holds the quarter in the palm of his hand over the table. "Watch closely Watch closely " Thanos flips the light off and on and Doom sticks the quarter in his mouth and slams his hand back down.
"WOW! Howd he do that? Thats amazing! Do it again!" Doom slides the back of his arm across his mouth, secreting the quarter in his gauntlet.
"For my next trick, I need every piece of money aboard this ship piled in a sack on the table." The Guardians jump about and in five minutes have an open sack on the table full of coins and paper money three inches high. "Now watch closely " Doom says as he ties the sack closed then starts making hand motions over it. Thanos flips out the lights and they both run from the room, to the airlock and mount the time-moped. "See, Thanos, I told ya it would work!"
The two appear in space far from any noticeable landmark, but through comic book magic, the Silver Surfer JUST HAPPENS to be flying by.
"Thanos? Doom? What are you two doing out on this region of space. And what the hell are you riding?"
"Shut up, Surfer! Its a space/time machine!"
"Thats right, Surfer. He just dont know how to drive it yet."
"I do too. My hand just slipped. Thats all."
"Hey Surfer! Are you still a Homer?"
"NO! That wasnt me. That was a clone. I was in suspended animation until Weezie took over."
"You sure looked cute with that earring!"
"Shut up, Thanos!"
"He had an earring? Id a paid good money to see that."
"Shut up, Doom! That wasnt me! It was a clone "
"And he lived with Firelord and they had a vehicle remarkably like your time-machine.
"Shut up both of you! Tell you what; You promise to never tell anyone about this and Ill transport you back to Earth."
"Deal", says Thanos. "I dont trust his driving, anyway."
The two sit on the back of the Surfers board, while he envelopes the mo-ped in an energy ca-coon and races back toward Earth.
"Ill leave you two here in orbit. I think you should be able to find your way home from here. And remember, you promised never to speak of that again. Goodbye." Thanos and Doom watch as the Surfer shoots back out into space.
Doom says, "I saw that you had your fingers crossed."
"And I saw you digging in the secret compartment of the Surfers board. You get anything good?"
"Some subway tokens, A Young Miss magazine featuring Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, two Pink Floyd CDs, A credit card for Mr. Norrin Surferinsky, a couple of army men, A blue Play-Doh container, with most of the doh eaten, A rainbow wig, A McDonalds Happymeal Pocahontas character, An Ozzy Osbourne poster, a can of surfboard wax, a pair of Tom Cruise sunglasses, some Superman underroos, some WONDERWOMAN underroos(!), a replica Eiffel Tower, a tattered copy of "How to Break Mystical Barriers", Nick Furys eye patch, Red Rooters business card, Season tickets to the Buffalo Bills, The Living Tribunals neck, a key to the bathroom on Galactus worldship, An autographed picture of Jason Priestley, Odins phone number, a Victorias Secret catalog, the book "Where the Wild Things Are", a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, A remote control, a paddleball game and a chair. Must be that was all he needed."
"Well, Doom, keep the good stuff and toss the rest at the moon. The Inhumans will get quite a shock when it starts raining underroos!"
"Im keepin them! Im just gonna repaint em so theyre Doom underroos, is all."
"Whatever! Get back on you mo-ped and take us back to the Infinity Saloon. Im gonna drink you under the table."
"OK. Here goes nothing!"
"Were still in orbit, you moron! Why dont you let me drive? At least I could get us back down to the planet."
"STAND TO, BEINGS! PREPARE TO BE BROUGHT ABOARD THE WATCHTOWER."
"I dont think were in Kansas anymore, Thanos." A beam comes out of the Watchtower and pulls the two (and the mo-ped) into an airlock. Superman is waiting for them.
"I dont know you beings. Are you good or bad? Im a good guy, myself."
Doom holds up the underroos and says, "Were good guys as well. See, we have your pajamas."
Thanos grabs Supermans arm and says "Wait a minute. You seem familiar to me. Do you play pool at the Infinity Saloon?"
"Nope. Superman doesnt shoot pool. Would you like to come aboard and visit for awhile?"
"Yes. Yes we would like that. Maybe my friend Doom could show you some magic tricks "
The Flash appears. "Who are these guys? They look evil."
"I already asked em the good guy/bad guy question. Besides they have Dianas underwear. Doom holds out the underroos. Flash disappears with the underroos.
"What happened to the pajamas? And who was that?"
"That is/was the Flash."
"Ive been called that before by my countrymen. Ive found out that its helpful to wear this long green cape on cold nights."
"Uhmmm Anyway, If I know the Flash, Dianas underwear is probably already up the flagpole now. Come with me and Ill introduce you to everyone."
Walking into the control room, Thanos spies Batman and breaks into a big smile and runs over and sits down next to him. "Batman? Batman? Im your biggest fan! Could you sell me a bat-a-rang?"
"You again? Im not selling you a damn thing, after you dumped me in the river when I wanted to be your sidekick. Annnnnd I think you just crushed The Atom."
A high pitched voice can be heard coming from the chair cushion after Thanos jumps to his feet. "Help me Help me Im shrinking Help me The spiders gonna eat me! Help me "
"Atom, knock it off!" Superman commands. The Atom enlarges to full size and smiles at Thanos.
"Sorry bout that. I always like to try that on strangers."
"Just dont try it again or Ill unleash an Eternal Butt-Blast that will melt your skin."
"Ive seen him do it, too" Doom pipes in. "Just ask the Red Skull where he gets his good looks from."
"Hey, who are the new people?" Green Lantern asks, walking into the room.
"Im Thanos of Titan and this is Dr. Doom."
"Of Latveria. Dont forget that. Im from Latveria."
"Oh, yeah. Hes from Latveria."
"Im Green Lantern."
"One if by land, two if by sea "
"Shut up, Doom! Mr. Lantern, how do you keep your mask in place?
"Call me GL, or Kyle, thats my real name. Ive never really thought about my mask before." Kyle gets a confused, thoughtful look on his face as he considers the idea. His mask shoots off his face and falls on the floor. "Oh, crap! Now I have to come up with another way to keep it on," he says picking up the mask. "Must be it only stayed cause I didnt think about it."
"Sorry bout that."
"WALLY! Im gonna kill you! Get them off of there, NOW!"
Doom puts his hand up to his mouth and whispers to Thanos: "That must be Wonder Woman."
"Id say. She looks just like her underroos. Say, Do you think that if I asked her about how her top stays up, it would fly off like whats-his-names mask?"
"I donno if Id try it. She seems pretty ticked off right now.
"I didnt know we had guests " Diana stops; pulling Wally into the room, tied up in her magic lasso."
"Um, Diana " Superman says, "It was my turn to be iedtay upay."
"Uhhhh, I think its time we left," Thanos and Doom both say, rising to their feet and making a hasty trip back to the airlock. "What a bunch of weirdos!"
"Ill say! Cmon Thanos, get on back and Ill get us home. I hope."
"What do ya mean you hope?"
"Well I didnt know we were gonna get lost "
"So you didnt fill the tank, did you?"
"Nope. But the indicator is only touching the E mark. We should have enough for one more trip."
"Wait a minute. Thanos runs over by the wall and grabs an extension cord. "Here plug this in your scooter."
"It is a space/time maneuvering vehicle."
"Its a damn girly scooter! Now plug it in and get it powered up, before they decide to tie us up!"
"That might not be such a bad idea "
"Think about it, you moron! One female and a bunch of guys! And that Wonder Woman was in charge, too. Reminds me of that Turkish Prison movie I saw a while ago."
"Yuck! OK, its plugged in and charging."
"What is going on in here?" Jonn Jonzz asks.
"We were, like, leaving, and, like, thought, wed, like, power up our scooter."
"Yeah. That Superguy said it was OK."
"I just asked him telepathically and he said no. He said that I, The Martian Manhunter, should bring you back for a Party!"
"Were getting the hell outta here!" Doom and Thanos jump on the scooter and try to fly out the airlock. Manhunter flies up behind them and grabs them both by the neck. Both Doom and Thanos scream, Doom twists the controls of the scooter and a gout of flame shoots out the exhaust, making Manhunter lose his grip. The scooter shoots out into space and disappears as Doom frantically twists the space/time controls.
As the scooter reappears in space, Both Thanos and Doom are gasping for breath, relieved at their narrow escape. "Thank got for the Low-Rider Exhaust pipe I put on this baby," Doom smiles, patting the handlebar.
"I think THAT guys main concern was OUR exhaust pipes! Now, get us the hell back to the bar. Doom starts twisting the controls and flipping switches and Thanos yells, "Wait a minute! You dont have the choke fully engaged. THATS why we keep getting lost!"
"Oh. Sorry bout that. Doom resets the controls and engages the warp drive. The scooter disappears and reappears in the alley behind the Infinity Saloon.
"Damn! Damn, damn and double damn!"
"Whats the matter now, Thanos? Mad that I found my way back and can now prove to you that Im the better man?"
"NO. The damn bar is CLOSED!"
"So what? This is a time machine, Thanos. We can just go back in time to when it was open."
"No. Ive had enough of you for one night, Doom. Im going back home."
"No youre not, Thanos", Doom says, grabbing Thanos by the arm and spinning him around. "We had a bet and I aim to settle it. Now."
"Remove your arm from me. Or I shall remove your arm from you", Thanos growls.
"No. Your will stay here and settle the bet with me."
"I think not, Doom." Thanos grabs Dooms arm and crushes it under his fingers then yanks it off. Sparks shoot out of the empty socket. What the hell ?"
"Oh, great, Thanos. Now I have to weld that back on."
"Ive been riding around the Galaxy with a Doom-bot? I knew I should have left you on that Watchtower thing!"
"Im not a Doom-bot! Im the real Doctor Doom!", Doom yells as Thanos walks out of the alley. "My people love me! I can do magic! Hey, Thanos wanna see a trick? Cmon pick a card! Any card! Thanos this isnt over "
Now, be sure to read Drunk Thanos #7, guest-written by Janus! And if you have not yet signed up for the free Drunk Thanos Uncut Special, do so by requesting it below. It's out now! Though it doesn't have anything totally adult-related, it does have more mature humor and we do ask that you be 17 years or olderor have the permission of your parents before subscribing. Now be sure to send Grim your comments below!