Drunk Thanos #11

Written by Grim, Edited by Marvelite
Published by the Cosmic Powers Fan Fiction Group in

Characters are parodies based off characters of Marvel Comics
Click here for black&white text version (good for printing!)

For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!

"Uhhh, excuse me… Thanos?"

"That’s Mr. Thanos to you, sonny!"

"That’s OK, Willie… What can I do for you, kid?"

"Well, my name is Galan and I’m a reporter for the Daily Bugle… And I would like to do a story on you."

"Did those darn chat guys put you up to this?" Thanos growls, his eyes starting to glow.

"Uhhh, no. No they didn’t. Mr. Jameson thought it would be nice to have a story about someone as…well known… as you. You know, for the Features section."

"Well, Gandolff, I’m supposed to have dinner tonight with an old buddy… How about you have the Bugle treat us to dinner?"

"That’d be swell, Mr. Thanos", says Galan in his best Jimmy Olsen voice. "Where would you like to eat?"

"I’m supposed to meet my buddy in the parking lot of the Infinity Heights Restaurant…"

"Now, Mr. Thanos… Don’t you go up there and stir up trouble for all the ritzy folks…"

"It’s OK, Willie. It’s them darn chat guys that set me off… and not a one of ‘em has enough class to be seen in a place like that."

"That’s right, Mr. Thanos. If they didn’t tip so well, I wouldn’t let the bunch o’ bums in here every Tuesday."

"Whoops, we’re late! Come on Golden… We gotta meet my friend… And you’re gonna have the Bugle pay, right?"

"I sure am. What ever you and your buddy want… Uhhh, your buddy isn’t the Blob, by any chance?"

"Nope, Grandma… But he is known for having a large appetite… Heh Heh."

"Uhhh, I’m sure the Bugle will pay for it as long as I get a good story out of you."

"I’ll give you a story, Gopher… Good, he hasn’t show up yet."

"How can you tell, we’re still three blocks from the Heights?"

"His world-ship takes up more than one parking space, Goober."

"Uhhh, did you say…World-ship?"

"Yes, Gumdrop… Galactus and I are having dinner at the Heights… On the Bugle. Heh heh."

"Oh, man this is gonna be SO cool… Is that his ship up there?"

"Good eye, Gadzooks… Step back… Sometimes he has trouble keepin’ that thing out of the handicapped spaces." Galactus’ World-ship lands softly and a hatch emerges.

"Hey Galactus! Get your purple butt out here! I got someone to pay for dinner tonight."


"Gosh-darnit Galactus! How many times have I told you about that yelling? Look, poor Greglouganis is covering his ears! And he’s the one that’s gonna pay too!"


"There you go again! See, look up there… Everything you say is in capitol letters… that means that you’re yelling. Now, knock it off."

"SORRY! I Mean Sorry."

"Now you’re getting the hang of it. Now shrink down so we can go inside and get some grub. Poor Gremlin here, looks like he’s starvin’ to death."

"I didn’t know he could change his size."

"Sure. It’s the first thing they teach you at supervillians school. Darnit, Galactus, you forget to shrink your helmet, again."

"D’OH… I Mean D’oh"

"Wow, Mr. Galactus… You look just like a normal human…"

"Goldfish, He appears to each person as a member of their own race… You should have seen him on Endor… Looking like a 30 foot tall Ewok… I almost pee’d myself laughing."

"Thanos. I Told You Never To Talk About That!"

"Then, he started stepping on the Ewoks… Did you know they make a ‘squeaking’ noise when they get stomped?" Thanos falls to the ground holding his stomach.

"THANOS. GALACTUS COMMANDS YOU TO STOP. GALACTUS ASKED…Oops, I Asked You To Never Talk About That… And To A Reporter, Too. It’ll Probably Be All Over The News Tomorrow."

"Then… Then he… Then he wiped with one… Oh God… I’m dying just thinkin’ about it."

"BLAST YOU, THANOS…" Galactus’ eyes glaze over and slowly Thanos stops laughing. Thanos gets up from the ground and looks around bewildered.

"What was I doing on the ground? Did you tinker with my memories again, Galactus?"

"NO. I Mean, No. You Were… Uhhh, You Dropped A Quarter."

"Oh… Musta got away from me… Oh well, I don’t need it, dinner is on Gangle, here. Let’s go inside and get something to eat."

"What do you mean, you don’t have a table for three available? Do you know who I am?"

"Sorry, sir. All our tables are reserved for the evening."

"GALACTUS CAN HANDLE…I Mean, I Can Handle This, Thanos." Galactus molecularly re-arranges a menu into a hundred dollar bill. "Maybe This Will Change Your Mind?"

"Ahh, yes… I believe we just had a cancellation… Come right this way please."

"Uhhh… Mr. Galactus… You are a mister, aren’t you… Uhhh, Why am I paying if you can create your own money."

"Uhhh... Because The Currency I Create Always Has My Picture On It. And Someone Would Catch On After A While."

"Oh well, It’s on the Bugle, anyway."

"I Have Always Wanted To Eat the Daily Bugle Building."

"Oh? And what other building would you like to eat?"

"I Don’t Like Stadiums… No Filling… And Nuclear Plants Are Like Red-Hots… The World Trade Center Would Make Good Chopsticks… Warehouses Are Like Cream Filled Donuts…But I Won’t Eat The Eiffel Tower…"

"Why is that, Mr. Galactus?"

"Well, Duhhh… It’s French! Galactus Consumes Nothing French!"

You mean, if you ate the Earth, France would survive?"

"Dang-Straight! Through-Out The Universe, There Are An Untold Number Of Scattered Colonies Of French Speaking People."

"Uhhh, why is that?"

"Did You Ever See Monty Python And The Holy Grail?"

"You watch movies? Wow! Of course I’ve seen that! {You’d better have, Galan!} It’s a classic!"

"Well, I Didn’t Like Those French People In That Movie… That And They Talk Like Pansies… And They Never Bathe… You Try Eating An Entire Nation of Unwashed Heathens!"

"Hey! Who are you here to interview me or the big guy with no sense of humor."

"Thanos, I Have A Sense of Humor."

"Yeah, Right. Gomer, try a knock, knock joke on ‘em."

"Thanos, My Sense Of Humor Is Boundless Like The Cosmos."

"A cosmos that doesn’t have knock, knock jokes in it."

"They Just Confuse Me A Little, That’s All. I Can’t Visualize A Door For The Joke…"

"OK… If you have such a Galactic sense of humor… Tell us something that is galacticly funny… Universally hilarious… Go on, I’m waiting…"

"Uhmmm, Uhhh, Well OK… But You Asked For It."

"Greenjeans and I are still waitin’…"



"Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to quiet down or leave the restaurant."

"BUT, did you hear what he said? I’m gonna slap him upside his funky helmet for that!"

"SIR!! SIR! Either you settle down or we will call the police. Now, sit down. Your waiter will be here shortly to take your order. Let me get you each a drink on the house. If I do that, will you be quiet?"

"I guess so. Just tell him NOT to tell anymore ‘Galactic’ jokes again! Stupid galactic sense of humor… No wonder all your heralds told you to piss-off!"

"Sir. If you would… No more jokes… This is an upscale, family oriented place…"

"Sorry About That. He Asked For It. Uhhh, Does Our Waiter Speak French?"

"No. Pierre doesn’t speak French. What would you like for drinks?"

"I’ll have a Labatts."

"I’ll have a Grape Drop."

"I’ll Have The Indian Ocean."

"Sir… I asked you not to make any more jokes… I will get you a Labatts also."

"But… But… I’m Still Kinda Thirsty After That Asteroid Belt… OK, I’ll Take A Labatts… It’s Not Made In France, Is It?"

"No, Mr. Galactus… It’s Canadian."

"I’ll be back with your drinks in a moment."

"Don’t call him ‘Mr. Galactus’ anymore… Call him Mr. Gutter-mouth."

"THANOS…" Galactus eyes glaze over again...

"Uhhh, What were we talking about…?"

"I was going to ask Mr. Galactus about his helmet, the unusual shape of it."

"Do You Listen To Music?"


"Have You Heard Of The Village People?"


"Have You Heard The Song: Y.M.C.A.?"


"This Is My ‘Y’ Helmet. I Also Have Three Other Helmets… That Way I can Groove-Out To The Dope Beat."

"Let me get this straight… You Like ‘Y.M.C.A.’? The song?"

"That Was Why I Stopped In My Quest To Eat This Planet In The First Place… How could Even Mighty Galactus Put A Stop To Such Wonderfull Music. I Even Have The ‘Construction Worker’ Outfit That I Wear Around The World-Ship Sometimes…"

"I’m at a loss for words, Mr. Galactus… This is a side of you that has never been shown."

"No wonder the Surfer turned out gay…"

"THANOS! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO…" Galactus’ eyes glaze over again…

"Huh? What were we talking about again?"

"Hi, I am Pierre and I’ll be your waiter for this evening…"

"And I’m Thanos and I’ll be your diner for the evening…" Falls out of the chair laughing.

"Uhmmm…Sir… Are you ready to order?"

"I’ll have the T-Bone steak and Fre… I mean fries… Steak and fries for me."

"I’ll have the same… And another Grape Drop."

"I’ll Have Asia."

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Yes, I’m Not Very Hungry… I’ll Just Have Asia."

"Uhhh, sir… You have to order off the menu… We don’t have Asia on the menu…"

"How About Africa? Australia?"

"Sorry, sir. No continents of any kind. You will have to make a selection off the menu."

"OK, Just bring me one of everything."

"Uhhh, right away, sir."

 "…So, There I Was On Endor…"

"This story seems vaguely familiar…"

"Don’t Worry About It, Thanos… There I Was On Endor…. Ewoks All Over Me… So I Ate Them!"

"Then What Happened?"

"Some Human Named Luke And His Friends Showed Up… So I Ate Them, Too."


"A Bunch Of Starships Appeared In The Sky… I Ate Them, Too. Then, A Moon-Sized Ship Showed Up… Mmmmmmm….Deathstar…" Gets a glazed look in his eye.

"Homer! I mean Galactus! Then what?"

"Then I Ate Endor… Stupid Ewoks Gave Me Gas! Norrin Wouldn’t Come In The World-Ship For A Week!"

"Galactus, And Mr. Thanos… I would like to thank you for an excellent story... look for it in the Bugle next week."

"No problem Gummi-bear, Just get me another Grape-Drop before you leave."

"Sure thing, Mr. Thanos. And thanks for the stories! I’m gonna head to the bathroom before I leave. I’ll stop at the bar and have another drink sent to each of you." Galan heads toward the bar and veers over to the desert table." Excuse me, sir. Are you French?"

"Oui. I serve desserts for ze majestic Infinity Heights Restaurant."

"Could you get my friends at that table anything they want? Put it on this bill. And add 10% for yourself. Thanks, I’m gonna go make a phone call…" Galan walks to the front of the restaurant peeking over his shoulder at the dessert-man.

"What would you like for dessert, messieurs?"


"Ze dessert, it has been paid for. What would you like, messier?"


"Oui. Would you prefer one thin mint… It’s just one tiny wafer…" Galactus lets out a roar and grows to normal size, right through the ceiling. Galan and the rest of the patrons run out of the restaurant; Galan with a smile on his face, because he doesn’t have to pay for the meals.


"Galactus… You’re yelling… Look, all caps again…" Beams shoot out of Galactus’ eyes and turn the waiter into an X-Man.

"Look… I can charge ze playing cards with energy… and wear ze trenchcoat… in ze summer… in Louisiana… And I still need ze haircut." The boot of Galactus comes down with a strangely satisfying crunch on the former dessert server.

"Darnit, Galactus", says Thanos from under the rubble, "I was gonna have a banana split, too."

Hope you enjoyed this special edition of Drunk Thanos! Be sure to also read Grim's Drunk Thanos #12!  Now, be sure to leave us comments below!





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