Drunk Thanos #12

Written by Grim, Edited by Marvelite
Published by the Cosmic Powers Fan Fiction Group in

Characters are parodies based off characters of Marvel Comics
Click here for black&white text version (good for printing!)

For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!

"Can I get you a drink?"

"Yes, I’d like a grape-drop, Willie."

"Mr. Thanos… Is that you? Why’re ya wearing that silly get up?"

"Shhhh, Willie. It’s my secret identity. That way no one knows who I really am."

"Why’d anyone want to know who you really are? You seem like a regular kinda fella to me. You got ex-wives chasin’ after yer money or somethin’?"

"No. I don’t have any ex’s. I’ve been watching the Batman/Superman Hour on the WB and those guys have a secret identity. Now, I can fight crime and no one will be able to know it’s really me."

"Who ya supposed to be, Mr. Thanos?"

"You don’t watch much TV, do ya Willie?"

"Naw, I got the bar to look after. And cleaning up after them chat guys takes up a full day. Usually the customers want the TV here on sports so’s I just watch what’s on."

"I’m Batman!"


"I said I’m Batman."

"What’s a Batman?"

"A guy who fights crime… And gets to wear this cool dark cape! And this cool headpiece with these little pointy thing up here… And gets to carry around all this cool bat-stuff."

"Ohhhh Batman. I thought you said Cartman. What sort’a ‘bat-stuff’ ya got?"

"I went down to the hardware store and got some bat-rope."

"That’s all the bat-stuff ya gots?"

"No. I got a lot more bat-stuff but it’s a bat-secret."

"I’ll give you a bat-grape-drop on the house…"

"I also got a bat-screwdriver and bat-pliers. The bat-salesman also sold me this bat-tool-belt for all my bat-stuff… I’m gonna have to paint over the ‘Craftsman’ logo though… Then he handed me my bat-change. Outside the Hardware store, the guy who hangs out in the bus-stand sold me a bat-gold-chain and a real bat-Rolex.. for only 5 bat-dollars!"

"Rolex huh?"

"See? Look it’s only lost 2 bat-minutes since I bought it a half hour ago!"

"Uhhh, Mr. Thanos…"

"Then I stopped at the donut shop and got some bat-glazed with my bat-soda. Then I stopped at the sporting goods store and got a bat-baseball-bat! And I got Bat-Nikes for my bat-feet and a bat-glove for my bat-fielding-hand. The guy tried to sell me a bat-bowling-ball but I told him that it wouldn’t fit in my bat-utility-belt."

"Mr. Thanos… You got took. This isn’t a real Rolex. And those chains probably aren’t real gold either."

"WHAT?" Thanos jumps from the barstool and runs outside. The sounds of explosions drift into the bar. Screams of ‘What the bat-hell do you think you’re doing?’ And ‘I’ll shove my bat-foot up your bat-ass and stick it where the bat-sun don’t shine!’ also could be heard. Gradually the commotion quiets and Thanos runs into the bar, his bat-cape trailing behind him. With a yell of ‘To the Bat-cave’ he runs into the bathroom.

After the police have left, Willie sticks his head in the bathroom and whispers, "Mr. Thanos… You can come out… What the hell’d ya paint the last stall black for? And why’re ya hangin’ upside down from the door?"

"Sorry, Willie. I needed a bat-cave and my mistress said I couldn’t use the closet at home. She said that if I tried, she’d kick my bat-ass out for good!"

"Well, I guess it don’t matter too much, Mr. Thanos. The paint does cover up some of the graffiti. Likes I said, The po-lice are gone, and you can come out now, Mr. Than… I mean Batman!"

"That’s more like it Willie… Maybe I should start to call you Alfred…?"
"Naw, Mr… Batman… I just go by Willie if’n it’s all the same to you."

"OK, Willie. Boy, everyone sure left, didn’t they?"

"What with you blowin’ up the end of the block, they all high-tailed it outta here."

"That was cool. I got to try out some of my bat-stuff on the bat-villain."

"I didn’t think the telephone booth at the corner was a villain…"

"That’s where the bat-villain tried to hide when I was gonna serve him with a full plate o’ bat-justice. Lost my bat-pliers, somewhere though…"

"Are you sure that bat-guy uses pliers?"

"He… used a… bunch of different stuff… What’s a ‘rang’?"

"A what?"

"A ‘rang’? Batman uses bat-rangs and I couldn’t find ‘em anywhere. They’re cool lookin’ too."

"I donno. Mr… Batman. Have you tried the surplus store?"

"Yeah… I got a bat-bed and a bat-comforter with a bat-pillow… but no bat-rangs! I even tried the Infinity Boutique & Lingerie store… They didn’t have any ‘rangs’ either but I did pick up this sharp lookin’ bat-bra… See? It’s even got those pointy-things on it like my bat-helmet…"

"Mr. Thanos… You put that thing on in here… I will personally throw you out on the street."

"Willie. No one threatens Thanos like that."

"I’ll also cut you off on grape-drops."

"Oh. OK." Throws the bat-bra in the garbage. "I gotta find me some bat-rangs! I know! Get me the phone book." Thanos and Willie open the phone books and start searching. "Letssee… Bartending… Baseball… Baskets… Bathrooms… Here it is! Bat-a-rangs! Huh, I didn’t know it had an ‘a’… Starhawk’s Bat-a-rang shop… 710 Infinity street! That’s just down the road… ‘We have bat-equipment for everyone in your bat-family’. Willie, that sounds like just the place for me." Jumps up and runs out the door.

"Darn bat-brain… Stuck me with the tab…again."

"Excuse me, sir, can I be of service?"

"Are you Starhawk?"

"Yes, Indeed."

"I’ve come to your fine bat-establishment to purchase some bat-a-rangs!"

"Sorry. Fresh out!"


"Haven’t got a shipment in weeks. Sorry."

"This is a ‘bat-a-rang’ store isn’t it?"

"Yes. The finest in the whole city."

"I would think the finest bat-a-rang store in the city would at least have some bat-a-rangs!"

"Yes. We usually do, but we’re fresh out."

"Then how can this be the finest bat-a-rang store in the city if it doesn’t even have any bat-a-rangs?"

"Usually we have a very wide selection of bat-a-rangs."

"This store is remarkable un-contaminated by them now!"

"Yes. We’re fresh out, now. How about a bat-rope, instead?"

"I have a bat-rope already!"

"Wait right here…" Starhawk dashes into the backroom and putters around for a second… "Here’s one. Found it behind a box." He hands Thanos a paper plate with the bat symbol drawn on it."

"This doesn’t look like a bat-a-rang… Are you sure this is right?"

"It came from the finest bat-a-rang store in the city! It has to be right! And tell you what, for your trouble… It’s on the house! Good-day!" Starts shooing Thanos out the door.

"Wait! I need something else…" The door shuts and the sound of a lock being turned can be heard. "Damn."

"Look Willie! I got a bat-a-rang! He gave it to me for free because it was the last one and they were fresh out."

"Mr. Thanos… You got taken again… That’s a paper plate with a bat drawn on it…"

"WHAT?" Thanos jumps up and runs out the door. Explosions can be heard again, but a little further away this time. Thanos comes running back in and goes straight to the ‘bat-cave’ again.

"Mr. Thanos… Batman… The po-lice are gone again… you can come out now…"

"Thanks Willie! Now, I’m gonna have to find the second best bat-a-rang store in the city if I want to get some bat-a-rangs."

"Uhhh… Batman… Maybe you should stop blowing up city blocks when you get angry… The po-lice are starting to suspect… and that might give away your secret identity…"

"Ohhh thanks, Alfred… I mean Willie… I never thought of that…"

"Anyway, you can come out now. You hanging in here upside down is starting to freak out the regulars… Could you only do that in the mornin’s when it’s slow already?"

"Sorry ‘bout that Willie… I appreciate you letting me use the stall for a bat-cave…"

"Have a seat, here, Mr. Thanos. Let me get you a fresh grape-drop."

"Boy, I can sure use it after this morning… You know what Willie? I’m gonna give up on Bat-a-rangs and concentrate on the other missing ingredient…"

"What’s that, Mr… Batman?"

"A sidekick!"

"Don’t cha need a motorcycle first?"

"Those things don’t go unless you have a motorcycle."


"They just kinda sit there unless you hook ‘em up to a motorcycle."


"If ya gets one, can I ride in it…? I still have my old goggles back here someplace…"

"Willie. WILLIE. What in the nine moons of Neptune are you going on about?"

"Your sidekick. I wanna ride in it."

"You don’t ride in a sidekick. A sidekick is a young lad in shorts that helps you solve crimes…"

"Oh. Ohhhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Nevermind", says Willie, putting away his goggles.

"What were you talking about?"

"A sideCAR. A SIDECAR. That’s what I was talkin’ ‘bout. I donno if’n I want you bringin’ a young laddie into the bar and taking him to the ‘bat-cave’."

"But, that’s where Batman and his sidecar, I mean sidekick hangs out when they’re not solving crimes. I just have to find a young lad who’s willing…"

"What about the ‘Galan’ fella that was in here from the Bugle the other day?"

"No way! Galactus is still sore that that reporter-guy sent a French person over to ours table. But he did seem likable enough; I wonder how he would look in tight shorts…"

"Uh, Mr. Thanos… Maybe you should consider a lass instead of a lad for your sidekick."

"Maybe you’re right, Willie… I just don’t know who to choose."

OK people! Who would you like to see as Than… I mean Batman’s sidekick? Give me some reasons and I’ll include ‘em in an upcoming chapter!  You can let us know and give us your feedback below or by e-mailing cpufeedback@yahoo.com 





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Drunk Thanos #12
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