Drunk Thanos #12
Written by Grim, Edited by Marvelite
CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!
"Can I get you a drink?"
"Yes, Id like a grape-drop, Willie."
"Mr. Thanos Is that you? Whyre ya wearing that silly get up?"
"Shhhh, Willie. Its my secret identity. That way no one knows who I really am."
"Whyd anyone want to know who you really are? You seem like a regular kinda fella to me. You got ex-wives chasin after yer money or somethin?"
"No. I dont have any exs. Ive been watching the Batman/Superman Hour on the WB and those guys have a secret identity. Now, I can fight crime and no one will be able to know its really me."
"Who ya supposed to be, Mr. Thanos?"
"You dont watch much TV, do ya Willie?"
"Naw, I got the bar to look after. And cleaning up after them chat guys takes up a full day. Usually the customers want the TV here on sports sos I just watch whats on."
"I said Im Batman."
"Whats a Batman?"
"A guy who fights crime And gets to wear this cool dark cape! And this cool headpiece with these little pointy thing up here And gets to carry around all this cool bat-stuff."
"Ohhhh Batman. I thought you said Cartman. What sorta bat-stuff ya got?"
"I went down to the hardware store and got some bat-rope."
"Thats all the bat-stuff ya gots?"
"No. I got a lot more bat-stuff but its a bat-secret."
"Ill give you a bat-grape-drop on the house "
"I also got a bat-screwdriver and bat-pliers. The bat-salesman also sold me this bat-tool-belt for all my bat-stuff Im gonna have to paint over the Craftsman logo though Then he handed me my bat-change. Outside the Hardware store, the guy who hangs out in the bus-stand sold me a bat-gold-chain and a real bat-Rolex.. for only 5 bat-dollars!"
"See? Look its only lost 2 bat-minutes since I bought it a half hour ago!"
"Uhhh, Mr. Thanos "
"Then I stopped at the donut shop and got some bat-glazed with my bat-soda. Then I stopped at the sporting goods store and got a bat-baseball-bat! And I got Bat-Nikes for my bat-feet and a bat-glove for my bat-fielding-hand. The guy tried to sell me a bat-bowling-ball but I told him that it wouldnt fit in my bat-utility-belt."
"Mr. Thanos You got took. This isnt a real Rolex. And those chains probably arent real gold either."
"WHAT?" Thanos jumps from the barstool and runs outside. The sounds of explosions drift into the bar. Screams of What the bat-hell do you think youre doing? And Ill shove my bat-foot up your bat-ass and stick it where the bat-sun dont shine! also could be heard. Gradually the commotion quiets and Thanos runs into the bar, his bat-cape trailing behind him. With a yell of To the Bat-cave he runs into the bathroom.
After the police have left, Willie sticks his head in the bathroom and whispers, "Mr. Thanos You can come out What the helld ya paint the last stall black for? And whyre ya hangin upside down from the door?"
"Sorry, Willie. I needed a bat-cave and my mistress said I couldnt use the closet at home. She said that if I tried, shed kick my bat-ass out for good!"
"Well, I guess it dont matter too much, Mr. Thanos. The paint does cover up some of the graffiti. Likes I said, The po-lice are gone, and you can come out now, Mr. Than I mean Batman!"
"Thats more like it Willie
Maybe I should start to call you Alfred
"Naw, Mr Batman I just go by Willie ifn its all the same to you."
"OK, Willie. Boy, everyone sure left, didnt they?"
"What with you blowin up the end of the block, they all high-tailed it outta here."
"That was cool. I got to try out some of my bat-stuff on the bat-villain."
"I didnt think the telephone booth at the corner was a villain "
"Thats where the bat-villain tried to hide when I was gonna serve him with a full plate o bat-justice. Lost my bat-pliers, somewhere though "
"Are you sure that bat-guy uses pliers?"
"He used a bunch of different stuff Whats a rang?"
"A rang? Batman uses bat-rangs and I couldnt find em anywhere. Theyre cool lookin too."
"I donno. Mr Batman. Have you tried the surplus store?"
"Yeah I got a bat-bed and a bat-comforter with a bat-pillow but no bat-rangs! I even tried the Infinity Boutique & Lingerie store They didnt have any rangs either but I did pick up this sharp lookin bat-bra See? Its even got those pointy-things on it like my bat-helmet "
"Mr. Thanos You put that thing on in here I will personally throw you out on the street."
"Willie. No one threatens Thanos like that."
"Ill also cut you off on grape-drops."
"Oh. OK." Throws the bat-bra in the garbage. "I gotta find me some bat-rangs! I know! Get me the phone book." Thanos and Willie open the phone books and start searching. "Letssee Bartending Baseball Baskets Bathrooms Here it is! Bat-a-rangs! Huh, I didnt know it had an a Starhawks Bat-a-rang shop 710 Infinity street! Thats just down the road We have bat-equipment for everyone in your bat-family. Willie, that sounds like just the place for me." Jumps up and runs out the door.
"Darn bat-brain Stuck me with the tab again."
"Excuse me, sir, can I be of service?"
"Are you Starhawk?"
"Ive come to your fine bat-establishment to purchase some bat-a-rangs!"
"Sorry. Fresh out!"
"Havent got a shipment in weeks. Sorry."
"This is a bat-a-rang store isnt it?"
"Yes. The finest in the whole city."
"I would think the finest bat-a-rang store in the city would at least have some bat-a-rangs!"
"Yes. We usually do, but were fresh out."
"Then how can this be the finest bat-a-rang store in the city if it doesnt even have any bat-a-rangs?"
"Usually we have a very wide selection of bat-a-rangs."
"This store is remarkable un-contaminated by them now!"
"Yes. Were fresh out, now. How about a bat-rope, instead?"
"I have a bat-rope already!"
"Wait right here " Starhawk dashes into the backroom and putters around for a second "Heres one. Found it behind a box." He hands Thanos a paper plate with the bat symbol drawn on it."
"This doesnt look like a bat-a-rang Are you sure this is right?"
"It came from the finest bat-a-rang store in the city! It has to be right! And tell you what, for your trouble Its on the house! Good-day!" Starts shooing Thanos out the door.
"Wait! I need something else " The door shuts and the sound of a lock being turned can be heard. "Damn."
"Look Willie! I got a bat-a-rang! He gave it to me for free because it was the last one and they were fresh out."
"Mr. Thanos You got taken again Thats a paper plate with a bat drawn on it "
"WHAT?" Thanos jumps up and runs out the door. Explosions can be heard again, but a little further away this time. Thanos comes running back in and goes straight to the bat-cave again.
"Mr. Thanos Batman The po-lice are gone again you can come out now "
"Thanks Willie! Now, Im gonna have to find the second best bat-a-rang store in the city if I want to get some bat-a-rangs."
"Uhhh Batman Maybe you should stop blowing up city blocks when you get angry The po-lice are starting to suspect and that might give away your secret identity "
"Ohhh thanks, Alfred I mean Willie I never thought of that "
"Anyway, you can come out now. You hanging in here upside down is starting to freak out the regulars Could you only do that in the mornins when its slow already?"
"Sorry bout that Willie I appreciate you letting me use the stall for a bat-cave "
"Have a seat, here, Mr. Thanos. Let me get you a fresh grape-drop."
"Boy, I can sure use it after this morning You know what Willie? Im gonna give up on Bat-a-rangs and concentrate on the other missing ingredient "
"Whats that, Mr Batman?"
"Dont cha need a motorcycle first?"
"Those things dont go unless you have a motorcycle."
"They just kinda sit there unless you hook em up to a motorcycle."
"If ya gets one, can I ride in it ? I still have my old goggles back here someplace "
"Willie. WILLIE. What in the nine moons of Neptune are you going on about?"
"Your sidekick. I wanna ride in it."
"You dont ride in a sidekick. A sidekick is a young lad in shorts that helps you solve crimes "
"Oh. Ohhhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Nevermind", says Willie, putting away his goggles.
"What were you talking about?"
"A sideCAR. A SIDECAR. Thats what I was talkin bout. I donno ifn I want you bringin a young laddie into the bar and taking him to the bat-cave."
"But, thats where Batman and his sidecar, I mean sidekick hangs out when theyre not solving crimes. I just have to find a young lad whos willing "
"What about the Galan fella that was in here from the Bugle the other day?"
"No way! Galactus is still sore that that reporter-guy sent a French person over to ours table. But he did seem likable enough; I wonder how he would look in tight shorts "
"Uh, Mr. Thanos Maybe you should consider a lass instead of a lad for your sidekick."
"Maybe youre right, Willie I just dont know who to choose."
OK people! Who would you like to see as Than I mean Batmans sidekick? Give me some reasons and Ill include em in an upcoming chapter! You can let us know and give us your feedback below or by e-mailing firstname.lastname@example.org