Drunk Thanos #10 Guest-written by Janus and edited by
Marvelite |
CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A
PG-13 AUDIENCE
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic
Parodies Page!
"Uhh, Mr. Thanos, I think you should slow down a little on those Grape Drops you been drinking."
"Whaaa. I needs another Drops. I shoulda won today. He cheated Mebbe I can wins tonight I gots to shoots I mean iz my turn Aw dang, dropped my cue. Thanos bends over to pick up his cue and hits his head on the bar stool and falls to the floor unconscious.
"WOW! Bartender, Whats in those Grape Drops that youve been serving him? As big as he is, they must be awfully potent."
"Actually, theyre a lite beer with a grape shoved into it. Hey, Jack! Cmere and get the big guy again. He done passed out on the floor.
"Oofff, Hes a heavy one. I thought I banned him from coming in here, anymore."
"Hows he getting in"?
"I dont know. I work the door all the time and the back doors are locked. Everything ll be quiet and the next thing I know, hes at the bar ordering a drink." And his ole lady She just creeps me out. Comes in here dressed in black Cheating on the big guy here Any guy that goes home with her, never comes back in again "
"Maybe Ill fix er up with that McFarlane guy. Everyone hates him."
"Yeah, he is a snooty SOB. Acts like he owns the world Hey, Mr. Harker, would cha mind giving me a hand here? Hes a heavy one."
"OK. Where ya gonna put im"?
"In the back room ta sleep it off. Its a shame really He did so well in the pool tournament this afternoon. Up until he claimed that Kent guy cheated in the championship Somethin about bumpin the table real quick or somethin
"I still cant believe that blind guy did so well "
"Yeah, that Murdoch knows his way around a table. But I think they should have kicked Octavius out for using 4 cues at the same time."
"That wasnt fair at all. At least that Adam guy only used one. But it kinda looked more like a staff or something."
*laughs* "Yeah, then he scratches on the eight-ball And looks shocked that it happened Like he expects that destiny is always going to shine on him."
"I got here just as the fight broke out between Simon and that Visionquest guy The one that acts like Data " {in mechanical voice} The possibility of you making that shot is only 7.5% "
"The fight wasnt so bad, Ive handled worse What I didnt like was that Wanda chick egging em on with her Which one of you wants to do a ritual with me tonight? routine."
"I heard you tell her to take her routines elsewhere when ya tossed her. She turned a funny shade of red when she got mad almost scarlet Then I saw her getting into Spacedouts car."
"Man, that guy will try and hook up with anything! First he hits on Mr. Thanos woman, then he goes home with that tramp!"
"Hey Jack", yells the bartender, "ya done back there? Grim just threw up all over himself again."
"Aw, jeeze. Now I gotta go clean that up. Tell ya what, Harker. You stay back here and keep an eye on Mr. Thanos and Ill bring ya back a beer."
"Why I gotta watch im? Hes passed out."
"The last time I left him alone back here, he woke up and peed in the bosses desk. You just watch him and Ill be right back. Darn Grim, trying to eat the pool chalk again..."
"Hows e doin?"
"Still sleeping like a baby. You get Grim cleaned up?"
"Yeah. Hes a pretty nice guy but he hangs around with some strange guys Say, arent you one of his new friends, Mr. Harker?"
"Yeah, but I didnt know that he liked to eat pool chalk."
"He just went on a little bender when that guy in the wheel chair knocked him out of the tournament. Claimed that the guy was messin with his mind and he couldnt focus on his shots cause every time he got lined up to shoot The cue ball looked like wheelchair-guys head!"
"Yeah, but wheelchair-guy got knocked out by a woman!!"
"Yeah, But cha know what? I think she was cheatin!"
"What? I cant believe that Gamera would cheat."
"Well, Im not to sure but every time she was lining up her shots she would bend reeeeal low, reeeeal close to the table "
"So?"
"So, after she made her shot she would stand back up and Another one of her balls would be off the table AND she would have THREE boobs!"
"HOLY COW! Youre the bouncer here. Why didnt you turn her in?"
"Uhmm, Ahhhh, Welllllll, I, Uhnnn, kinda enjoyed watchin her shoot, thats why!"
"I see what you mean."
"If youd been standin where I was, youd a seen a lot more!"
*laughs* "Are ya gonna make Mr. Thanos pay for the pool table?"
"Naw, We got insurance thatll cover it. I just wish he wouldnt get so drunk and mad and use those eye-beams of is to blast the table up. I cant blame him though. Every time we have a tournament, he gets to the championship and he only has to make one shot to win it all And something happens to im. All he needed was to make the eight-ball and he mis-cues. Its kinda weird how that happens "
"Wow! He makes it to EVERY championship game? Then he loses? EVERY time? Thats gotta suck."
"Thats why I dont come down to hard on ol Mr. Thanos. Hes really a nice guy when you get past that gruff exterior. An that guy who beat im today e says hes the champion of a bar on the far side of the city."
"Id never seen him before. Wasnt his name Kent Clark or something?"
"Yeah, somethin like that Kept droppin little glowin green rocks inta his beer. Said it was the only thing had an effect on im. Called em Kryto-beers or somethin. Some bar called Direct Currents sponsored im . Probably a gay bar! I jus hope for is sake he dont run into Mr. Thanos in a dark alley sometime. "
"Whaaa ? Where am I?"
"You jus sit back down, Mr. Thanos. Ill go get ya a cup o coffee and some aspirin fer yer head."
"Uhhh hows it going, Mr. Thanos member me? From the chatroom the other night?"
"I don member nothin. I needs another Purple Drop Ohhhhh, I gonna puke "
"Aw, jeeze! I dont wanna clean that up, Hey, Jack! Hurry up! Hes gonna blow!"
"Heres the bucket, Mr. Thanos"
GRRRRAAAAAALLLLLLLPHHHHHHHH
"OH MY GOD! Ive never smelled anything that smelled as bad as that! Smells like the time the toilet backed up at the Sulfer factory on the day they served green-bean casserole with anchovies for lunch!"
"Mr. Harker Dont never say that again or Ill be sick, too. Then, Ill throw you out."
"Sorry bout that"
"Hows ya doin, Mr. Thanos?"
"Oooohhhh. My head is killin me. Did I win this time?"
"Uhmmm, no, Im sorry to say ya didnt Mr. Thanos. Well have another tourney next month and you can try again, then ok?"
"I remember now. That damn Kent guy. Thinks hes so super I saw him bump the table while I was shooting I woulda won, too.
"Yeah, I know, Mr. Thanos Ive called a cab fer ya. Hell be ere in a minute. Why dont cha just sit back here and rest til then? Mr. Harker an Ill leave ya be til the cab comes. Cmon, Mr. Harker, Lets go back to the bar."
"Hope you get feeling better Mr. Thanos."
"Mebbe I should take up golf "
Hope you enjoyed this special edition of Drunk Thanos! Look for more stories in future editions of Cosmic Powers Unlimited. Now, be sure to leave us comments below!