Drunk Thanos #10

Guest-written by Janus and edited by Marvelite
Published by the Cosmic Powers Fan Fiction Group in

Characters are parodies based off characters of Marvel Comics

For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!

"Uhh, Mr. Thanos, I think you should slow down a little on those Grape Drops you been drinking."

"Whaaa. I needs another… Drops. I should’a won today. He cheated… Mebbe I can wins tonight…I gots to shoots…I mean iz my turn… Aw dang, dropped my cue. Thanos bends over to pick up his cue and hits his head on the bar stool and falls to the floor unconscious.

"WOW! Bartender, What’s in those ‘Grape Drops’ that you’ve been serving him? As big as he is, they must be awfully potent."

"Actually, they’re a lite beer with a grape shoved into it. Hey, Jack! C’mere and get the big guy again. He done passed out on the floor.

"Oofff, He’s a heavy one. I thought I banned him from coming in here, anymore."

"How’s he getting in"?

"I don’t know. I work the door all the time and the back doors are locked. Everything ‘ll be quiet and the next thing I know, he’s at the bar ordering a drink." And his ole’ lady… She just creeps me out. Comes in here dressed in black… Cheating on the big guy here… Any guy that goes home with her, never comes back in again…"

"Maybe I’ll fix ‘er up with that McFarlane guy. Everyone hates him."

"Yeah, he is a snooty SOB. Acts like he owns the world… Hey, Mr. Harker, would ‘cha mind giving me a hand here? He’s a heavy one."

"OK. Where ya gonna put ‘im"?

"In the back room ta’ sleep it off. It’s a shame really… He did so well in the pool tournament this afternoon. Up until he claimed that Kent guy cheated in the championship… Somethin’ about bumpin’ the table real quick or somethin’

"I still can’t believe that blind guy did so well…"

"Yeah, that Murdoch knows his way around a table. But I think they should have kicked Octavius out for using 4 cues at the same time."

"That wasn’t fair at all. At least that Adam guy only used one. But it kinda looked more like a staff or something."

*laughs* "Yeah, then he scratches on the eight-ball… And looks shocked that it happened… Like he expects that destiny is always going to shine on him."

"I got here just as the fight broke out between Simon and that… Visionquest guy… The one that acts like Data…" {in mechanical voice} ‘The possibility of you making that shot is only 7.5%’ "

"The fight wasn’t so bad, I’ve handled worse… What I didn’t like was that Wanda chick egging ‘em on with her ‘Which one of you wants to do a ritual with me tonight?’ routine."

"I heard you tell her to take her routines elsewhere when ya’ tossed her. She turned a funny shade of red when she got mad… almost scarlet… Then I saw her getting into Spacedout’s car."

"Man, that guy will try and hook up with anything! First he hits on Mr. Thanos’ woman, then he goes home with that tramp!"

"Hey Jack", yells the bartender, "ya done back there? Grim just threw up all over himself again."

"Aw, jeeze. Now I gotta go clean that up. Tell ya what, Harker. You stay back here and keep an eye on Mr. Thanos and I’ll bring ya back a beer."

"Why I gotta watch ‘im? He’s passed out."

"The last time I left him alone back here, he woke up and peed in the bosses desk. You just watch him and I’ll be right back. Darn Grim, trying to eat the pool chalk again..."

"How’s ‘e doin’?"

"Still sleeping like a baby. You get Grim cleaned up?"

"Yeah. He’s a pretty nice guy but he hangs around with some strange guys… Say, aren’t you one of his new friends, Mr. Harker?"

"Yeah, but I didn’t know that he liked to eat pool chalk."

"He just went on a little bender when that guy in the wheel chair knocked him out of the tournament. Claimed that the guy was messin’ with his mind and he couldn’t focus on his shots ‘cause every time he got lined up to shoot… The cue ball looked like wheelchair-guys head!"

"Yeah, but wheelchair-guy got knocked out by a woman!!"

"Yeah, But ‘cha know what? I think she was cheatin’!"

"What? I can’t believe that Gamera would cheat."

"Well, I’m not to sure… but every time she was lining up her shots… she would bend reeeeal low, reeeeal close to the table…"


"So, after she made her shot she would stand back up and… Another one of her balls would be off the table… AND she would have THREE boobs!"

"HOLY COW! You’re the bouncer here. Why didn’t you turn her in?"

"Uhmm, Ahhhh, Welllllll, I, Uhnnn, kinda enjoyed watchin’ her shoot, that’s why!"

"I see what you mean."

"If you’d been standin’ where I was, you’d a seen a lot more!"

*laughs* "Are ya gonna make Mr. Thanos pay for the pool table?"

"Naw, We got insurance that’ll cover it. I just wish he wouldn’t get so drunk and mad and use those eye-beams of ‘is to blast the table up. I can’t blame him though. Every time we have a tournament, he gets to the championship and he only has to make one shot to win it all… And something happens to ‘im. All he needed was to make the eight-ball and he mis-cues. It’s kinda weird how that happens…"

"Wow! He makes it to EVERY championship game? Then he loses? EVERY time? That’s gotta suck."

"That’s why I don’t come down to hard on ol’ Mr. Thanos. He’s really a nice guy when you get past that gruff exterior. An’ that guy who beat ‘im today… ‘e says he’s the champion of a bar on the far side of the city."

"I’d never seen him before. Wasn’t his name Kent Clark or something?"

"Yeah, somethin’ like that… Kept droppin’ little glowin’ green rocks inta his beer. Said it was the only thing had an’ effect on ‘im. Called ‘em Kryto-beers or somethin’. Some bar called Direct Currents sponsored ‘im . Probably a gay bar! I jus’ hope for ‘is sake he don’t run into Mr. Thanos in a dark alley sometime. "

"Whaaa…? Where am I?"

"You jus’ sit back down, Mr. Thanos. I’ll go get ya a cup o’ coffee and some aspirin fer yer head."

"Uhhh… how’s it going, Mr. Thanos… ‘member me? From the chatroom the other night?"

"I don’ ‘member nothin’. I needs another Purple Drop… Ohhhhh, I gonna puke…"

"Aw, jeeze! I don’t wanna clean that up, Hey, Jack! Hurry up! He’s gonna blow!"

"Here’s the bucket, Mr. Thanos"


"OH MY GOD! I’ve never smelled anything that smelled as bad as that! Smells like the time the toilet backed up at the Sulfer factory on the day they served green-bean casserole with anchovies for lunch!"

"Mr. Harker… Don’t never say that again or I’ll be sick, too. Then, I’ll throw you out."

"Sorry ‘bout that"

"How’s ya doin’, Mr. Thanos?"

"Oooohhhh. My head is killin’ me. Did I win this time?"

"Uhmmm, no, I’m sorry to say ya didn’t Mr. Thanos. We’ll have another tourney next month and you can try again, then ok?"

"I remember now. That damn Kent guy. Thinks he’s so super… I saw him bump the table while I was shooting… I would’a won, too.

"Yeah, I know, Mr. Thanos… I’ve called a cab fer ya. He’ll be ‘ere in a minute. Why don’t ‘cha just sit back here and rest ‘til then? Mr. Harker an’ I’ll leave ya be ‘til the cab comes. C’mon, Mr. Harker, Let’s go back to the bar."

"Hope you get feeling better Mr. Thanos."

"Mebbe I should take up golf…"

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