Drunk Thanos #9

Guest-written by Janus and edited by Marvelite
Published by the Cosmic Powers Fan Fiction Group in
THE COSMIC POWERS UNLIMITED FANZINE ISSUE #17

Characters are parodies based off characters of Marvel Comics
Click here for black&white text version (good for printing!)

CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A PG-13 AUDIENCE
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!


"Uhmmm… I hope I’m in the right place…?"

"Do you have an appointment , sir?"

"Yes. Thanos at 1:00. Shave and a haircut."

"Ahhh, yes. Come right this way, sir."

"Where to?"

"The room where we cater to Eternals… You are of Eternal heritage, aren’t you, sir?"

"Whaa… Yes. I’m an Eternal… I was… just wondering why Moondragon has her head under a hairdryer."

In conspiratorial whisper "She likes to pretend that she has hair so we go along with it… Watch this!"

"Excuse me, Miss Moondragon… I think you’re done." Lifts the hood off her head. She reaches up and touches her bald head.

"Is it too short, this time? The last time I was here, they cut it too short. And I didn’t like the color that they dyed it. That color doesn’t match my eyes or go with my green dress. Any of my green dresses. They’re all the same color green and that color doesn’t match…"

"How about we don’t charge you for this visit, Miss Moondragon?"

"Well, I should say not! I come in here every week and you guys just mess it up! Maybe I should try another salon. One that caters to a person of my obviously high intelligence and social standing."

"If you prefer, Miss Moondragon. I can put you down for Thursday at 2:00?"

"NO! No. No. No. That time is not good for me! I have to watch As The World Turns at 2:00! I want my regular time. And I want to be treated decently. At least someone could buff my Mind Gem for me. And I want…"

"I have you down for Thursday at 12:00, your regular time. I’ll see you then. Have a good afternoon." Moondragon stomps out in a huff. "See what I mean. You have to handle her just right or she mind-wipes everyone in here!"

"Wow! I never thought working in a hair place could be so… dangerous."

"To be honest we never even turn on her heater, heh heh …But it can be murder some days… Sue Richards will come in here after her noon cocktails and turns Jimmy’s pants invisible… Elektra broke a bunch of mirrors when she caught him looking down her ‘outfit’…Don’t even get me started on Medusa… And she always brings that darn dog with her… Fanboys dumpster diving for She-Hulk’s hair… Supergirl… first she’s human, then she’s a shape-changer, then she’s an amoebae…Ever try to cut an amoebae’s hair?…Tigra asking for an ‘ALL OVER’…Jocasta demanding that we use 10W-40… May Parker describing the porno that she rented last night… Tryin’ to cut around the bones that pop out of Marrow’s head… I tried to tell Wonder Woman I wasn’t lookin’ down her top and she tied me up with that stupid rope and got the truth out o’ me…Everytime Purgatori stands up, she blows hair everywhere with those darn wings… Jimmy tried to use a staple-gun on Agatha Harkness’ ‘bun’ and she turned him into a frog!… Had to give her free visits for a year to get her to turn him back…"

"And THAT’S just the women! Some of the guys that come in here are just as bad! Doctor Octopus fell asleep while I was shaving him, had a bad dream and almost castrated me with one of those dang arms…The Thing comes in here, looks around, says he’s rather roll around in a sandbox, then stomps out…Mr. Fantastic, you tell him to turn his head, and he spins it around 4 or 5 times, just gross…Henry Pym had a bunch of ants living in his hair… I just beat on Iron Man’s head with a hammer for about five minutes, then tell him he’s good to go…Odin got all bent out of shape when he fell asleep and Jimmy painted a fake eye on his eye-patch…Northstar pinching me on the butt… I dropped the scissors on the Punisher’s ammo-vest and set off one of the rounds… He ended up in the hospital for three days and threatened to sue … I have to sub-contract Edward Scissorhands whenever Sasquatch shows up… I slipped and cut Cyclops’ visor off… He burnt Jimmy up real bad… Darn scissors keep sticking to Magneto’s head… I broke three pair of scissors on Clark Kent’s hair before I sent ‘im packin’…Evil Ernie comes in smelling like something just died… And that button of his…Just for fun, Jimmy tried to plant Chia-pet seeds on the Vision’s head…Kinda like a Chia-Vision… Stupid android got the rest of the Avengers to stop coming in…The worst was when that Galactus guy showed up… I had him stoop down and I fired up the lawn-mower… nicked his ear and he got all mad and ate the storage shed out back! But I think the worst thing is trying to cut these ‘heroes’ hair around their masks! Stupid secret identities!"

"Wow, maybe I should come back some other time…"

"No, no, just have a seat here… What would you like done today, Mr. Thanos?"

"A little off the sides, leave the length… Maybe I should go with a different color…"

Michael pulls back Thanos mask/hood to reveal a bald head, thinks ‘Oh, great, another crazy superhero. And this one smells like stale beer.’ Says" OK, lets begin." Starts waving the comb in the air and clicking the scissors nowhere near Thanos head. "See that Girl’s Soccer game this weekend, Mr. Thanos?"

Thanos, eyes buried in a Readers Digest, "Uh, ummmm."

"I think thats how ALL girls should celebrate!"

"Uh,ummmm."

"OK, were just about done… Almost done… Oh, wait, it’s starting again… Oh no…I’M A LUMBERJACK AND I’M OK…"

"What the heck…?"

"I WORK ALL NIGHT AND SLEEP ALL DAY…"

"I just wanted a darn haircut…!"

"HE’S A LUMBERJACK AND HE’S OK…"

"Where’d all these weirdo’s come from…?"

"HE WORKS ALL NIGHT AND HE SLEEPS ALL DAY…"

"Oh no! Let me out of here! I need a beer after that!" Thanos jumps up and runs out the door.

"I don’t even know why Eternals even come in here, what with their control of their molecules and all, but the Lumberjack song always works on ‘em…!

 This story was written from a suggestion by Wayopex the Crome Cruiser! (Who I humbly invite to chat with us on Tuesdays!)


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Star Masters #5 Marvel/DC: Shards of Destiny #4 Silver Surfer/Thor Chapter 2 Elders Quest
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