THE RED-ROOTER!

For earlier editions of Red-Rooter or Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!

Red Rooter pulled his enchanted van up behind Avengers mansion and saw that a line had already formed at the back door. Jarvis was checking off a list of who had appointments in the mansion for the day.

"Verily, tis I, The Red Rooter!" He announced as he pushed to the head of the line, ignoring the protests of the mortals.

"Mr. Rooter… Let me check my list… Let’s see… I see a Red Roofer scheduled at 9:00…"

"That’s me!" says a mortal wearing coveralls and carrying a sack of roofing nails and a hammer.

"Very good, sir. We have a hole in the roof over Ant-man’s room. Apparently he had a party yesterday. Invited all his termite friends. They got all liquored up and did an awful number on the shingles."

"I’ll get right on it, Mr. Jarvis."

"Top floor. Third door on the right."

"Mortal, check thy list again. I’m Red Rooter, drain-king of Asgard, un-stopper of plugups to the nine worlds!"

"Let me check again…. Hmmm… I see a… a… Scarlett Roomer… Would that be you?"

"Nope, that’s me" says a young lady dressed in red. "I’m here to see Wanda."

"Very good. Miss Wanda has been having ‘boyfriend’ problems and she really needs someone to talk to. Just don’t ask about how the Vision has… uhm… attachments… That would put a normal man to shame."

"Really? Maybe I’d better go see him first!"

"No, young lady. Wanda’s room is on the second floor, third door on the right."

"I’m not here to solve woman problems! I’m here to restore plumbing service. Now, mortal, I demand to be shown the blockage!"

"I’ll check… You said your name was Red Ruler?"

"NO!"

"Nyet! That’s me. Everyone just calls me Tsar, though. I’m here to see Captain America."

"Ahh, yes. The debate on American/Soviet relations. Proceed to the briefing room. Ground floor, third door on the right, near the front door, Mr. Tsar."

"Mortal, thou try me patience."

"I’ll check my list again… Are you the Crimson Rutabaga?"

"NO!"

"I am" says a man dressed as a rutabaga. "I’m here to have a superhero/supervillain fight with Hawkeye."

"Mortal, Red Rooter cares not for thy fights, nor for why thou art dressed like a fruit…"

"SEE! That’s what starts all the battles in the first place! I’m a super-vegetable and the world will fear my power!"

"What is thine power, mortal?"

"I make a really good stew if cut into chunks and simmered on low for ½ hour."

"Mr. Rutabaga, I have scheduled your fight with Hawkeye in the kitchen near the cutlery table. You may proceed to the kitchen. First floor, third door on the right

"Where might I be on thine list, mortal?"

"You said your name was Ruby Robot?"

"NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!"

"I’m Ruby Robot. I have a meeting with Iron Man. Something about the inter-crystalline metabolic structure of my ruby with regard to comic-book logic regarding hyperspatial flight in New York at noon on a business day."

"Ahhh… Robotics… Basement level 2, third door on the right."

"Mortal, thy drain is still plugged and I ain’t getting any younger…"

"Are you Pink Rebounder?"

"NO and NO again!"

"That’s me. See I dyed my hair pink for this gig."

"Art thou Dennis Rodman, mortal?"

"Yep. That’s me."

"Could I have your autograph? The All-Father says you look like a damn rock troll, but you sure can play the game."

"Please state your business in Avengers mansion, Mr. Rebounder."

"I’m getting married to Jacosta. It’s another publicity stunt that will make me richer than the average bear."

"I see. That would be the room for weddings and weirdo’s, third floor, third door on the right."

Is my name even on thine infernal list, mortal?"

"Let me check… Are you Cherry Root-seller?"

"For the last time, NO! I’m Red Rooter!"

"I’m the Root-seller. Are you in the market for and fresh fruits or vegetables today?"

"I’ll have to check my inventory…"

"Better plan on being here awhile, mortal."

"…But proceed to the kitchen and we’ll discuss matters. I won’t need any rutabaga for awhile"

"OK, Mortal… There is NO ONE out here but thou and I. IS MY NAME ON THINE LIST?"

"Let me see… Red Rooter… Here it is!"

"Odin be praised!"

"But, you’re not scheduled ‘til tomorrow. Have a good day." Jarvis shuts the door in Red’s face, leaving him storming on the back porch.

"Cursed mortals. I’ll just take the day off tomorrow and we’ll see who’s on whose schedule’. Now, where was that second call. Ahh… A brownstone in Greenwich Village.

Arriving at Doctor Strange’s brownstone, Rooter knocks on the door and Wong answers. "I’m here to fix thy plumbing, mortal."

"Come in, Mr. Rooter. We’ve been waiting for you."

"Verily, I was delayed by the Avengers."

"The Avengers? They’re usually pretty nice…"

"Nay, not the Avengers. ‘Twas their lackey, Jarvis!"

"Oh, him. He’s a butthead, alright. I tried to borrow a cup of frog wart off him for one of the Master’s spells and he wouldn’t even talk to me."

"Odin thrice curse he infernal ‘appointment book’."

"Heh heh… Maybe he’ll skip a page and the Avengers will have to disband."

"Now, what is the nature of thine blockage."

"It’s not me. It’s in the toilet."

"Thou knowest what I meant, mortal!"

"’Scuse me for making a joke! You know how dull it is here every day? One word spoken wrongly and the gates of hell open up!"

"Thou mean with the Sorcerer’s incantations and enchantments?"

"I mean, because I got the Doc a Quarter Pounder WITH cheese instead of without, you would have thought the world was coming to an end."

"Mortal… I’m about to create a new blockage in thine nether region with the toe of mine enchanted hip waders…"

"OK, ok… the blockage is in the toilet in the auxiliary-spare-extra guest room on the west wing."

"But I thought thine structure was on two stories high. Art thou making another joke, mortal?"

"No, sir. The brownstone is a lot bigger on the inside than it appears."

"Verily, mortal. Now, how may I hie myself to thine stoppage."

"Up the stairs, and down the hallway to the brown door. Through the door to the other door, up those stairs and down that hallway to the circular stairs leading down. Then proceed to the elevator and go to the third floor. Go to the red door and knock three times and say ‘Scooby-snacks’ with each knock…"

"Scooby-snacks…?"

"The door is enchanted to prevent trespass."

"Oh."

"Then enter the guest room and look for the puddle on the floor coming from under the left door. Go through that door and down the hall the third door on the left. The toilet is in a small room behind the second door on the right off of the broom closet."

"Uhmmm… Where?"

"I told you once. I’m in a hurry; I have errands to run."

"Do you have a map to the room, for that I may find the room quicker and solve thy drainage problem."

"Sure. It’s over here in the stack of the Master’s periodicals. Lessee… Playboy’s Women of Sorcery… How to Fool All the People All the Time… Teach Yourself COBOL… Spells for a Rainy Night… How to Enlarge Your… uhmm… Mystical Energies… Another Playboy’s Women of Sorcery, ‘I’ll take that’, DC’s Magic Users (And how to beat them)… 30 Neat Things About Vanilla Ice… How to Meet Women… Self Defense Spells for the Sickly Magician… How to Breakdance Without Breaking a Leg… Amagotto Times & Journal… Find Magical Artifacts in Your Spare Time… Serpents: Your Friend, Your Enemy… Recipes for ‘Eye of Newt’… Turn $6 into $6000 on the Internet… Witches in Skimpy Witch-Clothes… Why X-Ray Vision Doesn’t Work at the Girls Dorm… Y2K and You: Where to Hide… Dormammu Dealings Online… Substances to Make You Fly (without a cape)… Dimensional Travel for Idiots… Necranomicon for Beginners… Black Magic/White Magic: It isn’t The Color of Your Skin… Your Orb of Eternity: A User’s Guide… Horton Hears a Hoo… Indian War Chants for White Men Who Can’t Dance… How to Pick Up Chicks (without levitation)… Slim Down, Shape Up, Shoot Sparks Out Your Butt: How to Harness Your Mystical Energies… Raise the Dead in Your Spare Time… Ahhh, here it is! This map will get you to any location in the brownstone."

"Uhmm, what page do I need?"

"Lessee… uhmm… index says… page 214!"

"I shalt return thine map, straightaway, mortal… And If you come across another Women of Sorcery magazine… There shall be no service charge."

"Mr. Rooter! Mr. Rooter! Thor is looking for you!"

"What is it, mortal? I’m almost done on this blockage."

"Mr. Rooter, Thor has put out an APB for you. There’s some sort of crisis threatening mudguards or something."

"Midgard?"

"That’s it!"

"Let me see thine phone, mortal."

"Here. Dial ‘9’ to get an outside line."

"Hello. This is Red Rooter, Unclogger of the bowels of the nine worlds… I see… The Midgard Serpent… Sounds serious… And it’s plugged up?… I’ll have to access it… Let me clean up here… It can’t wait?… There’s a service charge if I have to make a return trip… Death to all living things?… OK, I can waive the service charge, but this is the only time!… I’ll be right there…"

"Are you finished here, Mr. Rooter?"

"Aye. For the time being. Now stand ye back mortal while I spin Mop-nir in a mystical vortex to hie me to the emergency blockage."

Thor walks over to the vortex and says "It is good of you to come, Red Rooter. This is a problem that warrants thine special skills."

"Hail, fellow Asgardian. It’s $30 the first ½ hour and $20 each ½ hour after that."

"I thought thou agreed to waive thine charges in cases of dire emergency?"

"That was before I remembered that Volstagg ‘godblasted’ inside my van… It still reeks."

"Yuck. Verily, Red, I understand… Will you take Visa? See, I have the card with Spiderman ‘pon it!"

"Visa will suffice provided thy limit isn’t maxed."

"Nay, Red. I pay the interest and service charges every monthly cycle… When I get the balance down, I’m gonna buy a mountain bike!"

"Cool. We could go riding on Mount Olympus and…"

"Thor, is this the guy you said could help us?"

"Verily, Captain America, this be Red Rooter, scrounge of drain clogs the universe over."

"Maybe he’d like to get to work then? That Serpent is strangling the whole planet in half!"

"Mortal, watch thy mortal tongue! Thor and I were discussing important Asgardian matters… and they aren’t for mortal ears!"

"You were talking about bikes, for gods sake!"

"Watch thy tongue…"

"I’ll call a damn veterinarian. That’s probably what I should have done in the first place."

"Captain, Red is here and he is the best for the job… Plus he already has my credit card number… And there aren’t any magical veterinarians in the Marvel Universe…"

"I could just call the X-Men, I suppose…"

"Not in any story that I’m in, you won’t. I shall perform thy odious task. Where is thine blockage?"

"From what we’ve been able to determine, the Midgard Serpent devoured on of those new Volkswagen Beetles and it got stuck in the snakes…

"Nether region?"

"Yes."

"Is it a late model, silver with tan interior, power windows?"

"Why, yes. Will that be a problem?"

"No problem for Red Rooter. But if it had been a black Corvette with a sun-roof…"

"Yes?"

"We’d all be doomed. The prophecies would be coming true and the end of the Universe would be upon us! But, since it’s what it is, it’s no biggie.

"Thank God."

"But still a very odious task indeed. But Red Rooter shall prevail… Thor prepare to transport us INSIDE the Serpent, Captain America, take hold of enchanted Plunger-nir, Hawkeye, prepare a bristle-brush-arrow, Wanda, don thy scrubbing gauntlets, Jarvis, go straight to Hela, Wasp, mind your own beeswax… Get it? Beeswax? Beeswax? Thor, thine mortal friends have no sense of humor.

Thor transports Red and the Avengers (without Jarvis) inside the intestines of the Midgard Serpent. Under Red’s direction, the Volkswagen is safely removed (along with 2 Buick’s, the body of Jimmy Hoffa, and Demi Moore’s acting career) and… flow… is returned to normal.

"Red, let me present this plaque in honor of saving the world from the clutches of the Midgard Serpent, yesterday. Thy bravery and skill provide that Midgard will shine forever more."

"Will it get me to the top of thine list to get into thine mansion, next time my services art required?"

"Aye, Jarvis has been charged with giving thee free access to the mansion, ‘cept on holidays."

"Tis OK. My fees are doubled on holidays.

Hope you enjoyed this special edition of the Red-Rooter!  Now, check out Grim's Drunk Thanos #8!  Now, leave us comments below!