Red-Rooter Number One and Two
Written by "Grim" and edited
Red Rooter Number One
"Damn it!" grumbles Red Norvell, red beard glistening in the half-light of the Men's Room. "That damn drunken has-been threw up all over the urinal again. And who has to clean it up??? Just me! I try to be a mild mannered Thor wannabe who works part-time as a mortal photographer and bar-hand, and look where it gets me! Cleaning up after Thanos when he goes on a bender. Although, the way that he crushed that adamantium beer can. I dunno. I'm not sure if Thor could've done that. Wait! What am I saying? Of course, he could do that! Never mind that Thanos stopped him cold even when he had the power gem. That was some writer all messed up on drugs. That gets me so MAD!!!" Slamming the toilet-bowl brush against the floor, Red Norvell is transformed. Into Red-Rooter, Asgardian god of urinals, privies and port-o-potties! Standing 6'5" and bulletproof (or not depending on the writer!) Red-Rooter strides from the bathroom at the Infinity Saloon. "Thanos! Thou art a drunkard! By the power of my all-powerful Mop-nir, I shall cleanse thee from this planet!"
"Whaaa. It's not time to wake up is it?" Go 'way and leave me sleep. Zzzzzz"
"Thou art a scum-dog, unworthy to piddle on almighty Odin's regal boots! I shall give thee such an Indian burn, like thou hast ne'er had!" Prying sleeping Thanos' arm from the table, Red-Rooter starts the maneuver feared on playgrounds throughout the world."
"WHAT? What's happening here? Are you trying to steal the beer of Thanos of Titan?" With ease, Thanos backhands Red-Rooter through the wall. "Now, go 'way and NEVER touch my beer again, if you value your existence."
"Uhhhh. It seems the varlet has grown powerful since I last read 'pon him. If only I had the power of Kurt Busiek, Mark Waid and Walt Simonson on my side. Faaa, with all-mighty Mop-nir, I shall scrub him from the face of Midgard." Leaning back like Nolan Ryan, Red-Rooter throws the enchanted toilet brush with all his might. Mop-nir flies straight toward Thanos and halfway there, veers into the open bathroom and proceeds to do its duty. Moondragon, in the process of using the toilet, lets out a shriek and runs from the stall. The job finished in the blink of an eye, Mop-nir flies back and lands in Red-Rooter's enchanted utility belt. "Curses, t'would behoove me greatly if the All-Father had placed a different enchantment on my brush. I shall have to smite this varlet 'nother way."
Dropping to one knee, Red-Rooter says, "Uh oh. All-Father Odin. What be thy royal command?"
"THOU SHALT NOT ENGAGE THANOS IN BATTLE. THOU SHALT HOLSTER MIGHTY MOP-NIR. THOU SHALT RETURN TO ASGARD, ANON. THOU SHALT CLEAN UP AFTER VOLSTAGG AGAIN. THOU SHALT NOT TELL HUMANS THAT I TALK LIKE CHARLTON HESTON IN THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. THOU SHALT, I MEAN, SO SPEAKS ODIN."
Spinning might Mop-nir in a vortex, not unlike the water in a toilet bowl, Red-Rooter returns to Asgard to perform his royal duties.
Red-Rooter #2 (Get it? Number 2? Get it?
Number 2? Ahhh, toilet humor is so
passe since Beavis went off the air!)
"Red-Rooter, for thy outstanding efforts in cleaning up after Volstagg's latest 'Godblast' I deliver unto you two enchanted artifacts to help you in your never-ending battle. Snake-nir and Plunger-nir!"
"All-Father Odin, This humble servant thanks thee for these wondrous artifacts. What be thy next royal command?"
"The Destroyer armor needs a good polishing. Use some of my regal Turtle-wax."
"By thy royal command, it shall be done!" Red-Rooter races to the warehouse where the Destroyer armor is housed, first stopping by the warehouse where the Odin-wax is stored. Opening a fresh can of Odin-wax, Red starts polishing the enchanted armor. Down near one of the boots, he notices that the armor has a burr sticking up. Getting out his enchanted, well, maybe not enchanted, but still really shiny, plumbers pliers; Red grasps the burr and pulls it loose. Red turns the square-like piece over and reads the runes engraved in it: Koors Lite. "Ahhh, must be Regal Odin patched the Destroyer up with a beverage holder from the Troll forges located in the Rokky Mounts. I'll just place a regal dab of Odin-wax under here and stick this back in place. There, that should hold 'er." Suddenly Red's enchanted pager goes off! Asgard-666! The royal room of Volstagg, again. "Mother-Freya, not again!" Red whips out his enchanted cel-phone and calls Volstagg. "This is Red-Rooter, why dost thou persist in bothering me?"
"Ah yes, Red-Rooter", we hear between munches, "thy
presence is required in my privy 'gain. I seem, ahh, to have, ahh, godblasted, again. I
had left a message at your home number, the one that has that message:
Are ye all backed up?.
Lines are full of poop-er?.
Problems with your privy?.
"Yes, Volstagg, that's my message. Look, I have a stuck corpse at Hela's and a leak under the Rainbow Bridge I need to take a look at first, then I'll be out to your place, again."
"Thanks, Red." Munch, munch "What should I do 'til then?" Munch. "For the love of Odin, retain thy godblast if at all possible! I'll ask Asgard Water & Sewer to put in a larger drainage line for thee."
"Thanks, 'gain, Red. Thou art the true lion of Asgard. Uhh,
please hurry, I feel my mighty blast building again!"
Stay tuned next week for the Adventures of Little Red-Rooter Hood! Guest starring the Fenris Wolf!!
Tell us below what you thought of this special parody by Grim and if you'd like to see more of his work in future issues of Cosmic Powers Unlimited. You can also be sure to find Grim hanging around the Silver Surfer Message Board, so stop by there and give him a holler as well!
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