Drunk Thanos #13
Written by Grim, Edited by Marvelite
CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A PG-13 AUDIENCE
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!
Seeing as how no-one made the kinda suggestions for a sidecar, I mean sideKICK that I was looking for ( I did get a bunch!), here is how I thought it would go…
Outside the Infinity Saloon, a line stretches around the corner, populated with all sorts of comic characters. Inside, Thanos has a table set up and he and Willie are interviewing the prospective applicants for the position of ‘Sidekick’.
“OK, Willie, who’s next on the list?”
“This one’s app says… Mr. Vision and mentions ‘vengers membership.”
“Come in Mr. Vision. Have a seat. Now tell me in your own words, why you’d like to be a sidekick.”
In mechanical voice,” There is less than 5% probability of being sidekick to anyone in the Avengers.”
“Ahhh, yes. What powers have you demonstrated so far?”
“I can project this red beam out of my head, which is handy for seeing in the dark and I can turn intangible or make my body diamond hard.”
“I see. If you made yourself ‘diamond hard’, how much would you be worth?”
“I don’t comprehend your question.”
“Say I was in need of cab fare home some night and had to pawn you, how much could I get for the diamond thing?”
“I still don’t comprehend the nature of the question.”
Thanos pulls a lever next to the table and the Vision’s chair drops out from under him and dumps him in the Hudson river. “NEXT”, Thanos announces; then whispers to Willie, “he talked like a dork, anyway.”
In walks the Teen Titans. We would like to apply for the position of sidekick”, Robin announces.
“Well, I was kinda looking for just one person to be my sidekick… tell ya what, let me know your powers and I’ll see what I can do.”
“I can run really fast”, says Wally.
“I used to be a sidekick, says Robin.
“I have a magic lasso”, says the Wonder Woman girl whose name I can’t remember.
“I’m half cyborg”, says Cyborg.
“I can fly and have really cool hair”, says Starfire.
“I can talk to fish”, says Aqua Lad.
“I can change into a llama, says Changling.
Thanos yanks the lever and dumps the Teens into the river. “Why’d you do that, Mr. Thanos?”, asks Willie.
“I had a bad experience with a Llama once”, Thanos says with a shudder. “NEXT.”
In walks Lady Death, wearing ONLY a pair of very skimpy shorts. “I would like to apply for the position of sidekick”, she purrs.
Thanos tries hard to look her straight in the eyes and fails miserably. “Uhhh, miss, uhhh, you’re OVER qualified for the position of sidekick. I’m going to have to decline your offer, unless you’d like to pose for me sometime? I’m really an artist, well, just kinda starting out, and I, well I need to buy some paint. And a brush. And something to paint on…”
“Uhm, Mr. Thanos… She’s done left already…”
“Whew, Willie… Like I could solve any crimes with them, I mean her as my sidekicks, I mean, sidekick. NEXT.”
In walks Spawn. “I would like to apply for the position of sideways.”
“The position I saw in the paper… Sideways. What’s it pay, anyway?”
“I’m sorry. The position offered is Sidekick not ‘sideways’. Thank you for your time.”
“No problem. Do you know how hard it is to read the paper when your eyes are green?”
In walks Dilbert. “Does the position offer vacation, 401-K, Medical and Dental benefits and sickleave time?”
“No, this is a full time position involving crime-solving, wearing tight shorts and hanging around in the Bat-cave.”
“I don’t own any shorts, just this tie that has a mind of it’s own. And the idea of hanging out at the Bat-cave chills me to my very soul.”
“Ahhh, I see. How did you find out about the position?”
“My dog sent me. He thinks he’s a headhunter these days. Sorry to have bothered you.”
In walks Archie and Jughead. They sit down and Willie reaches over and yanks the lever, dumping them into the river.
“What’d ya do that for Willie?”
“Them two bums have been sniffing after the same dames for forty years and have NEVER scored. I didn’t think they’d be much help in solving crimes.”
“You’re probably right, Willie. NEXT.”
In walks Batman. “I would like to apply for the position of sidekick.”
“HOLY COW! Willie, ya see who it is? Howdy, Mr. Batman. I’m a great fan of yours. Would you sell me a bat-a-rang?”
“IF I was chosen ‘sidekick’… I would be able to provide numerous bat-a-rangs to my partner. And I have a Batmobile!”
“OH BOY, Willie, I think we have a winner! OH BOY! Would you like to try on the little shorts now and see how they look?”
“Ummm, welllll, I, Uhmmm, I, uhh, don’t like wearing little shorts. I usually go ‘commando’ under my cod-piece.”
“But, you have to wear the little shorts to be a sidekick.”
“I know, maybe I could be a sidekick that wears sweatpants… Or biker shorts… Or a kilt…”
Both Thanos and Willie reach over and pull the lever, dumping Batman in the Hudson. “I don’t even want to think about my sidekick wearing a kilt… NEXT”
In walks Arisham. He sits down carefully in the chair. “Why would you like the position of Mr. Thanos’s sidekick? Hmmm… I asked you a question… Huh? Answer me!”
“Forget about it, Willie”, Thanos says as he dumps the Celestial in the river. Celestial never speak. It would get boring hanging out at the Bat-cave with a sidekick who never opens his mouth. I don’t even know if he has a mouth. NEXT.”
In walks Hawkeye. “I want to be sidekick.”
“OK, what power do you have?”
“As a member of the Avengers I have demonstrated superior fighting skills and stratigical ability. I also have a bunch of trick arrows that I use.”
“I see. What sort of trick arrows?”
“Grenade-arrow. Sonic-arrow. Smoke-arrow. Stun-arrow. Boom-a-rang-arrow. Razor-arrow. Shaving cream-arrow. Car’s outta gas-arrow. Forgot my ID-arrow. Gotta pee-arrow. It’s snowing-arrow. Need a haircut-arrow. Glass of water-arrow. Spare change-arrow. Crayon-arrow. Spent my last nickel on a Power-Pack comic-arrow. Paper cut-arrow. Sunglasses at night-arrow. Pistol-arrow. Straight-arrow. Constipation-arrow. Mohawk-arrow. It’s that time of the month-arrow. Wedgie-arrow. Confetti-arrow. Bow and arrow-arrow. Hot dog soup-arrow. Blindfold-arrow. Vollyball-arrow. Mop-nir-arrow. 404 page not found-arrow. Lasso-arrow. It’ll make hair grow on your palms-arrow. Leaving on a jet plane-arrow. DC is lame-arrow. D’oh-arrow. Lost my golfball-arrow. Saran wrap-arrow. Static-arrow. Bra snap-arrow. Knights who say neep-arrow. One two three four-arrow. Huff and puff-arrow. Thunder fart-arrow. Nerve pinch-arrow. Boogie-arrow. Snakecharmer-arrow. Object are closer than they appear-arrow. Water-arrow. Twi-light War RULED-arrow. Knife-arrow. Scuba-arrow. Kenny Rogers must die-arrow. Corn row-arrow. Blind as a bat-arrow. Spank-arrow. Coaster-arrow. Moon pie-arrow. K-mart sucks-arrow. Heatseeker-arrow. …”
“Excuse me, Mr. Hawkeye… How do you carry all those arrows around?”
“I usually have Jarvis follow me around in a golf cart like a caddie and give me the right arrow for the occasion.”
“Soooo, you already have a sidekick,
“Why, yes! I guess I do.”
“Sorry. I only need a sidekick. Not a sidekick with a sidekick. NEXT!”
In walks Captain Kirk. “ I would… Like to… Apply for… The position… Of sidekick.”
Thanos whispers out of the side of his mouth to Willie, “ Why’s he talking like that?”
“I think he calls it actin’, Mr. Thanos.”
Thanos pulls the lever and dumps Kirk in the river. “I though he was going to start crying on me. NEXT.”
In walks Pamela Anderson Lee. “Like, I would like to be a side-thingie.”
Thanos and Willie’s eyebrows shoot to the top of their heads. “Uhmmm, Mrs. Lee, uhmm, I guess, uhmm Let’s start with your crime solving skills…”
“Three guys run out of a bank, holding guns and money that they have just stolen. Which one do you Karate chop first?”
“Seven. No… Fourteen. No… Dang! I always hated math problems…”
“I see… What superpowers do you have?”
“Well, Let’s see, OK, like, I’m full of enough Silicon to float a battleship.”
“I see… A battleship… Uhmm, Mrs. Lee, I’m proud to tell you you have the job.”
“Uhhhh, Mrs. Lee… Please never jump and jiggle around us again… As your first duty as sideKICK is to go get Willie and me some donuts.”
“Donuts? Donuts are… Those round thingies… Like, I’ll get some right away!” So saying, Mrs. Lee jumps up and darts out the front door.
“You had me worried, Mr. Thanos… I though you was really gonna hire her.”
“By the time she figures out what a ‘donut’ is and how to get back here… the bar will have long since turned to dust. NEXT.”
In walk Beavis and Butthead, wearing glasses as a disguise. “Uhmm, we heard that there was beer and stuff here.”
“We’d like to check your beer out. We’re like… beer inspectors or something…”
“Beer inspectors? Mr. Thanos… I’m not sure about these guys. Do you guys have any superpowers?”
“Beavis can touch himself with both hands at the same time.”
“Shut up, Butthead. I had… an itch.”
“Beavis always has an itch.” Beavis slaps Butthead across the head and knocks his glasses off. Butthead puts Beavis in a choke-hold and knocks his glasses off.
Thanos screams “YOU!” I’m gonna kill you for shaving my cat!”
“Uh oh, It’s that purple guy. An’ he’s pissed too!” Beavis and Butthead run out the door with Thanos close behind, eyes glowing in fury.
Willie says “I just have to take over for Mr. Thanos ‘til he gets back. NEXT.”
In walks Shaquille O’Neal. “I would like to buy the position of sidekick.”
“Let me get this straight, Mr. O’Neal… You get paid eleventy-kajillion dollars to play basketball… And you still can’t make a free throw!”
“But I can powerslam and break backboards…”
“And to top it off, you think you’re an actor… Steel was the closest thing to pure evil I’ve ever seen.” Willie pulls the lever and dumps Shaq in the river and before the trapdoor closes, throws a beer mug at him. “Practice your damn free throws! NEXT.”
Thanos walks in and sits down in the interview’ees chair. “I’d like to have the position as my sidekick.”
“Mr. Thanos? Is that you? Are you a clone of Mr. Thanos? A doppleganger?” Willie asks, reaching for the dump-lever.
“Hold on, Willie”, says Thanos. “I was just testin’ ya. You passed with flying colors!” Thanos moves around to the other side of the table. “NEXT.”
In walks Barney Rubble. “Heh Heh Heh, How’s it going Mr. Thanos-rock?”
“My name is Thanos. Just Thanos.”
“Heh Heh Heh, Sorry ‘bout that. Where I come from, everyone has some sort of rock-related name.”
“Not a problem. Mr. Rubble, What superpowers do you have?”
“Heh Heh Heh, I can move a car made of stone with my bare feet… I can understand baby-talk and dinosaur-speak… I swing a mean club… I have a pet sabertooth tiger…”
“Sabertooth tiger? Do you know Ka-zar? He has a tiger, too. And he defeated me through a writers crutch! I hate tigers!” Pulls the lever and dumps Barney in the river. ”NEXT!”
In walks Superman. “I would like to apply for the position, please.”
“OK. What superpowers do you have?”
“All of them. I can fly. Impervious to injury. Indestructible. X-ray vision. Super-strength. Super-speed. Super-hearing. Heat breath. Cold breath….”
“… Time travel. Heat vision. Cold vision….
“OK! That’s enough, dammit! You got the job. Now, put on these shorts and I’ll show you around the Bat-cave.”
“But, I already have these red bikini-briefs on. Should I try the shorts on over the top first? What if they don’t fit? They don’t match the color of my cape. Maybe I should change my mind…”
“Don’t worry, I’ve changed it for you.” And Thanos pulls the lever. “NEXT.”
In walk Shaggy and Scooby-Doo. Shaggy says, “Dude, We’d like the position of sidekick. Ain’t that right, Scoob?”
“Ahhh. Yes. I see. Tell me Mr… err…
Shaggy… What superpower do you have?”
“Superpowers? Dude, I can smoke three pounds of fresh weed in a half hour! And old Scoob, here, he likes the weed, too, but his main talent is running 70 miles an hour and not getting anywhere.”
“Ahhh. Yes. I see. Have you any experience in solving crimes?”
“Dude, I travel with some buds in the Mystery Machine solving crimes all the time. Well, Usually Fred and Daphne solve the crimes while Scoob and I hide in the closet.”
“These… buds… of yours? Maybe they would be better suited to solving crimes than you and… it.”
”Now you’ve gone and made ol’ Scoob sad. Usually Scoob and I do all the work and that bull-dyke Velma takes all the credit. The Fred’s off in the back of the Mystery Machine scorin’ with Daphne leaving ol’ Scoob and I to fend for ourselves when the munchies attack.
“Well, seeing the applicant’s we’ve had so far… I think you might be the best choice for the job… Providing you can score some of this ‘fresh weed’ that you mentioned.”
“You hear that Scoob-old-pal! We got the job!” Scooby runs around the table and fastens himself to Thanos’s leg. “Scoob! Scooby! Scooby-Doo! You stop that this instant. He’s just tryin’ to show how grateful he is for the job Mr. Thanos. Scoob! Knock it off.”
“WILLIE! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF ME! THIS IS WORSE THAN THE LLAMA! GET IT OFF ME! WILLIE!” Willie dashes around the bar and grabs a broom and starts beating Scooby about the head.
“Scooby… I have scooby-snacks… Tasty Scooby-snacks… Made just the way you like ‘em… with extra opium… c’mon Scoob… leggo his leg before he sics the Mummy on us…”
“Rut- Rooh!” At the mention of ‘mummy’ , Scooby pops off of Thanos leg, does the running in place thing and is out the door like a shot. “Scoooooooooby-Doooooooooooo.”
“Sorry ‘bout that, dude. He gets a little excited. He Scoob! Come back here!” Shaggy runs out the door, searching for his partner.
“Damn beast brought back flashbacks… Hey, what’s this?”
“I think it’s one of those ‘scooby-snacks’ that got left behind, Mr. Thanos.” Thanos pops it in his mouth and immediately goes vacant. “Awww, damn. Now I gotta interview by myself again. NEXT!”
“Where am I”, Thanos asks, bewilderedly.
“You’re at the Saloon, Mr. Thanos. I took the liberty of interviewing the rest of the bums. Not a one of ‘em was sidekick calibre, in my opinion.”
“Are you sure I was here, Willie? I feel like I’ve stared into the Infinity Well for too long again. No worked out, huh? Maybe I’ll have to solve crimes all by myself.
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