Drunk Thanos #18: Drunk Thanos vs. Red-Rooter Part 1
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!
Drunk Thanos vs. Red-Rooter Part 1
Another quiet day at the Infinity Saloon. Thanos has been there for a while, as the stack of empty lite beer bottles in front of him can attest. Suddenly, the door is flung open, and a large, red-bearded man strides in. The newcomer steps to the bar and takes a seat, ordering a mug of ale as he sits down. Willie the bartender, places the mug in front of the stranger, then goes back to polishing the glassware, paying more attention to the Red Sox game on the TV. During a commercial, Thanos looked around the bar, then recoils back in surprise, noticing the stranger sitting one stool away from him.
“Say, stranger *hic* you’re new here, aren’t ya?” The newcomer splashes down the last of his ale and turns a dark eye on Thanos.
“Aye, I be new here. And I ain’t in a talking mood… Now, if thou value your tongue… Leave me to drown mine sorrows in peace. Ale-man? Another mug of your best!”
“$2.35”, Thanos tells the guy.
“I said, $2.35.”
“I heard thou, I just don’t know why thou sayest it.”
“You asked me to value *hic* my tongue… heh heh heh…”
“By the jiggly backside of fair lady Sif, varlet! I’m not in the mood for thine games! Now, silence thyself, lest thou force me to use… This!” the newcomer announces, pulling a scrub brush out from under his cape.
Thanos grabs up the brush and waves it over the empties sitting on the bar. “I command you *hic* to be full again! Willie, this is why I never let you take away the old ones, I KNEW that someday a fairy princess would sit next to me and let my borrow her magic wand. Full! Full again, my lovelies!”
The stranger stares aghast at Thanos for a second, then grabs the brush out of his hand, knocking some of the bottles off the back of the bar. Then, he bops Thanos on the head with it. “By the unending depths of Volstagg’s mayonnaise jar, there be more power in the enchanted bristle brush of Red-Rooter, then thou can e’er comprehend!” Thanos’ eyes go blank for a second, and then come back into focus… completely sober. The golden glow returns, and tendrils of power start leaking from the sides of his head. Willie spots the energy discharges and run over and puts a fresh Grape-Drop in front of Thanos.
“Here ya go, Mr. Thanos, sir. Please enjoy it! It’s on the house. I get some empties out of the trash and stack them up for you to replace the broken ones. Please don‘t destroy the bar. Again.”
“Willie… he bopped me on the head! You saw him, didn’t ya? That should be good for at least two Grape-drops, don’t ‘cha think?”
“Sure. Mr. Thanos. I get you another one. But you make sure you don’t destroy the bar, ya hear me?”
“Loud and clear. Me and Mr. Newguy will have to go outside and find out what’s troubling him. Won’t we, Mr. Newguy?” Thanos slaps Red-Rooter full on the back, making Red spit his mouthful of ale all over the clean glassware behind the bar.
“MORTAL…” Red-Rooter roars as he stands up from his barstool. “I shall teach thee the drinking rules of golden Asgard!”
“Don’t pee in Odin’s mead!”
“You heard me; Rule number one: Don’t pee in Odin’s mead.”
“Purple mortal, I knowest not how thou learned the sacredest of all drinking rules from the golden realm…”
“I’m not mortal… And I get around, Mr. Newguy…”
“Mayhap we got off on the wrong foot. My name is Red-Rooter, god of toilets, privies and port-o-potties! Mayhap what would thou name be?”
“I be Thanos… I mean I’m Thanos, of Titan.” Red-Rooter sits bolt upright on his stool and stares straight ahead, thinking that he’d just insulted one of the deadliest beings in the universe. “Now-a-days, I’m Thanos of the Infinity Saloon. I usually hang out here, waiting for something cool to happen. I tried my hand at solving crimes, and helping new reporters, even got a haircut once. And don’t even talk about my love life…Do you know how hard it is to please a woman? It takes a ton of money, I’ll tell ya that much! I keep buying bracelets for my mistress; and she keeps LOSIN’ ‘em! I donno… Something about her not having any skin…”
Red settles down a little bit, realizing that he’s not going to get into a monumental battle. Slowly, he turns his head and sees Thanos with his head down on the bar, turned to one side so that he can look at Red. “Would… would it help thou… if I wast to purchase a mug of ale for thou?”
“Nah… I can’t handle the strong stuff. I may be battle tested on the outside, but the strong stuff will give me gas like you won’t believe.”
“Believe him, Mr. Rooter, sir.” Willie chimes in, “Most of the people who get a whiff of his gas, usually go blind. ‘Cept that Daredevil fella… He started screaming that he could see. Ran out the front door screaming, ‘I can see, I can see…’ didn’t see the bread truck comin’ though…”
“Willie, enough of your long winded fables… Maybe Mr. Rooter would like to buy a round for everyone, to show what a great guy he is…?”
“Aye! The best idea I’ve heard in a fortnight! By the goofy hat that Hogan wears, a round for everyone, Ale-Master!”, Red announces loudly, standing up on his stool. Willie looks around the bar and sees that the three of them are the only ones there, then with a shrug, puts another Grape-Drop in front of Thanos and a mug of ale in front of Red.
“Mr. Rooter, sir, what brings you to this part of town? Usually, Mr. Thanos is the only one here at this time of day.”
“Well, barkeep… Seeing as how I’m broke…”All three at the bar tense up, Willie thinking that he’s not going to get paid, and Thanos, worried that he can’t weasel free drinks from the new guy. Red quickly covers for himself by saying. “…I’m not completely broke…” pulls out a couple of twenties and lays them on the bar. Thanos get a big smile on his face. “See, I’m not broke… I just am having work related problems is all. And I’ve heard of the holy grail of plugged up toilets, but have no way of getting there. That job alone would pay a fortune…”
‘That’s a shame, Mr. Rooter, sir”, Willie says, sliding another mug of ale in front of him, and also sliding his money further away from Thanos. “Maybe Mr. Thanos would be interested in helpin’.”
“Willie, I ain’t no blamed plumber’s helper! I’m a… I’m a… I’m a… Say, Red, what’s this job pay, anyway?”
“Red-Rooter, scourge of drain clogs ov’r the nine worlds needs NO helpers!” Red announces with a dramatic flourish. All the toilets in the bathrooms flush at the same time, as if echoing his bold statement.
“Welllllll, Mr. Rooter, sir, what ya doing here if ya could be makin’ all that money?”
“It’s not the job itself, it’s getting there… Ever since Odin’s golden potty backed up and stained the royal boxer’s, I’ve not had the power to travel amongst the nine worlds. He removed my dimension spanning powers from all powerful Mop-nir. Therefore, I be stuck on this mudball, handling the affairs of lowly humans.”
“Thanos has some powers left, don’t ‘cha, Mr. Thanos?”
“Yes, Willie, I’ve still got the time displacement moped parked out back for that trip with the Doombot. But I don’t know if I feel like using it…”
Willie pulls out a register tape from under the bar that looks like it’s three miles long. “Mr. Thanos… This is your tab… If you ever settled it… I could buy Colorado and retire. Now; if you don’t want me to cut you off, I suggest that you would out some sort of arrangement with Mr. Rooter, here.”
“Mr. Rooter… Willie drives a hard bargain… How about I transport you to your worksite, and you pay off my tab, maybe throw in a little extra for me?”
Willie hold up the register tapes and Red’s eyes bug out of his head. “By the hypnotic cleavage of the dread Enchantress, Thanos, thou might not be able to handle the strong stuff, but thou could drink mighty Volstagg under the table!”
“I need the Grape-drops to help deal with the sorrow of my mistress… She’s always out picking guys up… All the time! And me… I sit here at the bar and she never picks me up. Oh, and there’s that losing ultimate power a couple of times thing, too…
“Annnnnyway, Thanos, the clog that I’ve been asked to clear is far away. Far, far away! Outside the realm of the nine worlds, even. Can your moped make a trip like that?”
“Sure! Sure it can! It might need a little gas, though… Can you front some money for gas?”
“Aye. Here’s a twenty! That should cover thine gas.” Red Rooter stands up and starts adjusting his cape, tucking the bristle brush back in it’s special holster.
Thanos slides the twenty across the bar to Willie and whispers, that should cover for yesterday, Willie!”
“But, Mr. Thanos… How will you put gas in your vehicle?”
“Heh heh Willie… It’s full up! I sold the arm of that Doombot to some Octaviaus guy… C’mon, Red, times a wastin’! The scooter’s out back. This way.” Thanos leads Red out toward the back of the bar.
Willie calls out after them: “Have a good time, Mr. Thanos! Don’t forget, you’ve got your tab to pay up!” The sound of the back door shutting is heard. “Of course”, Willie mutters to himself, “I wouldn’t have to rebuild the bar every two weeks if’n ya never came back…”
“Surely, thou jest, Thanos! The regal backside of Red-Rooter, remover of clogs the nine-worlds over, will NOT adorn THAT vehicle.”
“I know, I know… It’s a moped. A Doombot and I used it on a money making scheme awhile back… I’ve made some adjustments since then. I’ve adjusted and tweaked almost every part of this thing. Look, I’ve added chrome handlebars, a side view mirror, Halogen headlamps, tassels from the handlebars, saddlebags, a moon roof, Global Position tracking system, CD player, low rider shocks, fuzzy dice, cup holders, Doombot detector, Wonder Woman Warning Watcher, loudspeakers w/police siren sound effects, cable TV, snack bar with M & M’s, spatial torque converter, 8 track player, sissy bar, bat-a-rang storage area, smoke detector, 6 point harness, parachute, chain de-greaser, custom seat to hold a Buffy-bot, sidecar, leather seats, knobby tires, bug deflector, asteroid deflector, Dylithium crystal matrix, Spitfire sparkplugs, and Jay Leno, dressed up as a French maid, to serve us drinks!”
“I think I’m going to be sick…”
“Ok, we can get rid of Leno…”
“Verily! By the dashing G-sting of manly Fandrall… Uhmmm…Away with you, demon of late nite TV! Thy chin threatens to make the nine-worlds into the ten worlds!” Leno runs off down the alley, screaming like a 10-year-old girl. “Ok, Thanos, now we may startest out journey…”
“Why you talk like that?”
“Like what, mayhap?”
“Like a blamed idjit, Red! Thee’s, thou’s and those’s! The Norse gods would have spoke with a Nordic or Germanic accent, not like Shakespeare rejects.”
“I donno. I think Odin decreed that we talk thusly to hide the lisp…”
“Lisp? Do I even want to know about that?”
“Well, thou knows, a bunch of guy god hanging out every day, all the girl gods already spoken for in the ancient texts…”
“Crap! I KNEW I didn’t want to know about it. I’m making YOU ride in the sidecar! No way in heck are you sitting behind me!” Thanos gets on and kickstarts the engine while Red takes his place in the sidecar; Red finding the goggles and putting them on with a big smile on his face. “Ok, Red. You all strapped in? Where is this might clog that you speak of?”
“Oh, it’s on the Worldship of Galactus…”
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