CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A PG-13 AUDIENCE

For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!

Beta Gems @ the Infinity Saloon

Thanos runs into the saloon with a brown, wadded-up paper bag and jumps into a bar stool.

“Willie! Willie! I got all my problems solved!”

“What ‘cha yellin’ for, Mr. Thanos?”

“I solved all my problems, Willie!”
“How’d ya do that, Mr. Thanos?”

“Well, you know my history, kinda, don’t you, Willie?”

“I knew you was a prize-fighter or somethin’ for awhile…”

“Actually, Willie, I was scheming to attain ultimate power in the universe…”

“That’s kinda a large goal, don’t cha think, Mr. Thanos? Maybe you should try somethin’ smaller first. Like, I donno, coaching Little League baseball, or somethin’.”

“Willie. I did achieve some measure of power. But I always set myself up to fail. That’s the problem.”

“Coach Johnson always did, too. Had his boy pitching all the time. They just got blasted.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Then his boy was the clean up hitter, too. Never seen a kid strike out so much.”

“Huh?”

“Then we was playing Metro for the town title…”

“Willie! Shut up about your football scores! I’ve told you I have all my problems solved! Now, listen up! I had a vision the other day…”

“Last week when you drank the furniture cleaner by mistake?”

“Uhm, yes that was the day… But, my vision was truthful… Musta been a leftover from when I had the Gauntlet. Speaking of which… I need another gauntlet… Or two… I have a whole buncha gems, now. Look!” So saying, Thanos up-ends the paper bag on the bar and pours out a bunch of shiny gem-stones.”

“WOW, Mr. Thanos! Did you rob a jewelry store? I thought you was gonna help SOLVE crimes?”

“That was just a phase, Willie. I had the vision and it revealed the existence of OTHER gems!”

“What are you going on about, now?”

“I first thought there was only six Infinity Gems… In my vision  I found out that THEY were the Alpha Gems… They controlled the Soul, Time, Power, Space, Mind and Reality. With them I could, and did, rule the universe!”

“Pretty impressive story, Mr. Thanos… But what are these other gems?”

“These are the Beta Gems. They control things that aren’t quite as… Cosmic… as the Alpha Gems.”

“For instance…?”

“This one right here is the ‘Light Beer Gem’.” Thanos concentrates and a mug of light beer appears on the bar in front of him, with a perfect head. “Here, you have that one Willie. There’s more where that came from.” Thanos slides the beer across to Willie and creates another one for himself.

“Pretty impressive. Even got the frosty mug right, Mr. Thanos.”

This one here is the ‘ESPN Gem’. Watch.” Thanos picks up the gem and concentrates… the TV at the end of the bar suddenly switches channels and Sportscenter is on. The patrons at the end of the bar look around in shock and one get up and comes over to Willie.

“Did you change the channel, barkeep?”

“No, Mr. Banner. It was Mr. Thanos, here. Let me change it back for you.”

“Thank you, sir. As the World Turns is starting and I don’t want to miss it. Jessy is getting married today!”

“Uhhh, sure Mr. Banner… Look, I switched it back for ya.” Mr. Banner goes back to the end of the bar, enrapt in As the World Turns.

“Uhhh, Mr. Thanos… Please don’t annoy Mr. Banner. Please.”

“Whatever you say, Willie… Look at this gem… It’s the ‘Disco Gem’. Thanos holds up a gem that looks like a miniature mirrored ball. He concentrates on the gem and “Funkytown” starts up on the jukebox. “See, Willie! That’s my favorite song, too! I almost feel like I could ‘bust a move’ now.”

“Uhnnn, Excuse me, again, barkeep… Could you turn the jukebox off? I can’t hear the story on As the World Turns…!” Willie runs around the bar and unplugs the jukebox.

“Mr. Thanos… I asked you not to rile Mr. Banner. He has… A mean streak a mile wide…”

“That scrawny little guy? I have just the gem to use on him… If I can find it… Ohhh Lookit this one, Willie!”

“What’s that one do, Mr. Thanos?”

“Have you ever cooked hotdogs and had them split all up on you?”

“Yep. Happens every time I grill.”
“With this baby, they never do that! I think it has some of the properties of the Time Gem, the way it works… Ohh lookit this one! This one I call the ‘Summer Breeze Gem’.” Thanos concentrates and a light, airy breeze wafts through the bar.

“That was kinda refreshin’, Mr. Thanos. What others ya got there?”

“This is the ‘No Traffic at Rush Hour Gem’. Here’s  the ‘Perfect Christmas Wrapping Paper Gem’. And here’s ‘Pen’s Never Out of Ink Gem’.

“That would come in handy… What’s all that paper in your bag?”

“That’s a gem of another sort. At least I was told it was a gem…” Thanos holds up a printed copy of The Twilight War. “Some superhero story or something. I read it after I explore the other gems. Lookit this one! This is the ‘X-ray Vision Gem’.”

“That could be REAL interestin’, Mr. Thanos…”

“And here’s the ‘Comfy Chair Gem’. And the ‘Never Step in Dog Stuff Gem’. And the ‘Infinite Internet Connection Gem’.”

“What’s that one do?”

“I’m not sure, yet. Here’s the ‘Practical Joke gem’.” Thanos hold the Gem up and concentrates.

“I didn’t see anythin’, Mr. Thanos…”
“You will soon, Willie. Here’s the ‘Perfect Haircut Gem’. And the ‘Sound of Waterfalls Gem’.” Thanos concentrates on the Waterfall Gem and the soothing sounds of a spring waterfall can be heard in the saloon. Mr. Banner gets up to complain again, trips over his tied-together shoelaces, and falls on the floor. Thanos chuckles behind his hand and utilizes the ‘Baywatch Gem’ to turn the channel again. Bruce gets up red in the face and notices that the TV has been changed and gets even madder. His skin coloring changes to green and he starts getting bigger. And bigger. Hs shirt splits and drops off and the Hulk is standing in the saloon wondering what’s going on.

“Hulk Smash!”

“Oh Dear God, Mr. Thanos… Now look what you’ve gone and done… I just had the bar rebuilt, too.”

“Not to worry, Willie, my friend, I’ll use the ‘No Hard Feeling Gem’ and straighten things right out!” Thanos concentrates and the Hulk slams the table into toothpicks.

“It ain’t workin’, Mr. Thanos…”

“Oops, That’s the ‘No Lumps in the Applesauce Gem’.” Thanos grabs another and starts working it. The Hulk turns the chairs in his area to sawdust, growling the whole time. He notices Baywatch on the TV and slams the wall, knocking the set to the floor.

“Hulk no like bikini girls! Hulk wanna watch Barney!”

“Nope, not that one. That’s the ‘No Junk Mail Gem’. This one’s the ‘Close Parking Space Gem’. And this one’s the …”

“Mr. Thanos! He’s destroyin’ the whole bar! Do something! Quick!

“Willie. I think We’d better used the ‘Hightail it Outta Here Gem’! They both run out the front door, Thanos pausing to grab all his ‘gems’ and his copy of Twilight War. The Hulk can be heard smashing and destroying everything left in the bar. The roof finally caves in and the Hulk rips through it, looks around, and then jumps out of sight.

“Mr. Thanos… When are you ever gonna learn…?”

“Your right Willie. There isn’t any way to control the power of even the Beta Gems. Thanos puts all the gems in the bag and throws it in the river. Willie walks over to look at the shambles left of his bar. Thanos sits down to read the Twilight War and notices one last gem that had fallen out of the bag.

“Willie! Willie! Our problems are solved! I found the one gem that can help the most!”

“Willie doesn’t say a word. He just looks at Thanos and the gem he’s holding and looks back at the splinters of his bar.

A tip o’ the hat to Anomaly for giving me the idea for this story way back, when he posted something on the board about the ‘Grammer Gem’. Anyone have any other ‘Beta Gem ‘ ideas? Or ideas for more Drunk Thanos stories? This was the last idea I’ve had in a long time. It may be awhile before any more DT comes out!

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