Drunk Thanos #15
Written by Grim, Edited by Marvelite
CAUTION: SOME CONTENT IS SUITED FOR A PG-13 AUDIENCE
For earlier editions of Drunk Thanos, see the Cosmic Parodies Page!
Showdown at the Infinity Saloon
It was a normal day at the Saloon… Willie was serving beer and drinks, Thanos was on a bar stool, forgetting past defeats, Bruce Banner was watching soaps on TV, Red-Rooter was cleaning up out back, the chat-room guys were, uhh, chatting, and shooting pool and making fun of The Kingpin, saying that he was the father of Cartman.
A hush came over the place as Destroyer by Kiss ended on the jukebox… Then the front door was flung open! A man walked in to the opening and was silhouetted by the light from the streetlight outside. Everyone turned to see who was entering; fearing that it was MODOK, or Volstagg or even Janet Reno.
Willie asked from behind the bar: "What can I get you, stranger?"
"I’m called the Gunslinger… And I don’t need anything to drink!"
"Well, Mr. Gunslinger… Why’re you here, if not to drink? You one of those mutant chat fellas or somethin’?"
"No, sir… I’m not here to drink… And I’m not here to chat… I’m here to shut this place down!"
"What’d ya say, ‘slinger?"
"This establishment is generating unethical profits and is going to be shut down. And I’m the man to do it. No one has stood before the Gunslinger before!"
Willie comes around the bar with a Louisville Slugger and advances on the stranger. The Gunslinger raises his hand and a bolt of force shoots out of his palm, stunning Willie. Thanos raises his head from his beer and looks the stranger in the eye. Slowly he gets off the bar stool and announces: "No one does that to a friend of Thanos of Titan. Come, let me introduce you to my mistress…" Thanos raises his hands and is ready to unleash his indestructible energies on the now shaken Gunslinger, when one of the chat guys lays a hand on his shoulder.
"Thanos, my friend, let me handle this one."
"Yes, my Brother… Remember everyone here has got your back." Thanos lets his energies dissipate, and as his eyes stop glowing, sits back down, still keeping a deadly eye on the stranger."
"I could have taken him, you know, ‘Brother’," says the Gunslinger.
"No, my friend. Here, we are all friends. If you come after one of us, you come after ALL of us."
"I can take you all for my cause is the cause of the right and true."
"Your cause is a matter of dispute and frankly, some of us here have discussed the matter, beforehand. But, deciding that no one was harmed, decided not to mention it. What happens at the Infinity Saloon is a matter only for those who attend that Saloon."
"But, I will inform, City Hall, and bring an end to all the shenanigans that are perpetrated in this rundown… Speakeasy."
"My friend, you are welcome to take the matter before City Hall if you so desire. There is precedence involved such that even City Hall won’t interfere in any of the events going on here."
"No, friend, I’m going to take you down and then I’m going to take this whole place down." The Gunslinger advances on the good Brother and takes a swing. Sidestepping, the energy-charged fist misses the mark completely. The Gunslinger steps back and says "Now I have your measure, I will be the end of you." Slowly, he reaches out a hand and places it on the good Brother’s shoulder.
"Never touch me", the good Brother whispers. Grabbing the wrist and using a judo move twists the strangers arm behind his back. "You will leave here and never return", the good Brother whispers in the Gunslinger’s ear. Looking to the bar, the good Brother asks, "Thanos could you take out the trash.
"It would be a PLEASURE." Thanos gets up from his stool, walks over and picks up the Gunslinger by the neck. As the Gunslinger struggles in his grasp, Thanos carries him out the door. The sound of crunching bones can be heard AFTER the door closes. Shortly, Thanos re-enters the Saloon with a satisfied smile on his face. "My Brother, you handle yourself with style and grace. It is a pleasure to stand in battle on your side."
"SO SAY WE ALL", yells everyone in the room.
"Mr. Voodoo, you’re welcome to attend the Infinity Saloon whenever you want. And the first one will always be on me."
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