Cherry's Story

A Closer Look

Before leaving the house, I would check the appliances, lights, toilets and doors. I checked these things in a certain order, and if I was interrupted, I started over. Often, I would stop and wonder if I really had checked to make certain the stove was off, so I began touching the knobs to make certain. Then I began to question if, while touching the knobs, I had actually turned the stove on. This thought would cause me to check the stove again. Sometimes I would obsess about the stove (or coffee pot or door lock) after I had already left the house. Often, I called my neighbor and asked her to check it. I had a need for certainty. "Probably" was not good enough.

If I was nervous about something or had my mind on other things, it took longer to complete my checking rituals. At first, checking was enough to relieve my anxiety and fear, but soon checking once did not produce the same relief. The continuing anxiety would cause me to want to check again. Before I knew there was a problem, I was checking over and over, with only minimal relief of anxiety.

Frequent hand washing started in the same way. I washed my hands before meal preparation. When I touched the refrigerator, my hands were now "dirty" again. So I washed again. Soon, meal preparation involved washing my hands a dozen times. I did not prepare food for anyone outside my family to avoid the possibility of harming others.

I worried about everything. Not the kind of worrying that everyone does at times. Constant, continuous worrying and obsessing. When the day was over, and I sat down to relax, I worried. I would go over the events of the day, my mind searching for a mistake, a potential problem, or something to "fix." Something would stand out; something left undone, or something done imperfectly. A phone call might solve the problem. At first this was enough, but soon it was followed my more phone calls because it took more and more to satisfy my need for certainty. Maybe I said the wrong thing or left something out in the first phone call. Often the worrying went on into the night and into the next day. Entire days were filled with worrying and phone calls.

I think my strangest obsession was a fear that I had run over someone. The first time it happened I was driving on a busy city street in the dark. A man stood by the side of the road and ran behind my car as I passed by. "What if I had hit him," turned into, "Maybe I did hit him." I turned the car around and went back to make certain I had not hit him. I didn't see anyone in the street. No emergency vehicles gathered, so I drove on. But it was dark. Maybe I didn't look well enough. I went back two more times before it "felt right," and I was certain no one was hurt. After that night, this fear would pop into my head often. Going back to check the road once was sometimes enough.

At other times, I went back several times. The progression of my checking rituals increased my anxiety, rather than alleviating it. This is because the rituals only produce short term anxiety relief. My obsessions and compulsions usually started with a somewhat reasonable worry. Many people with OCD have obsessions that are completely out of character for the person to have, such as thoughts of harming a parent or child. The compulsion is meant to relieve the distress that accompanies an obsession. Often it is a ritual unrelated to the obsession, such as tapping, counting, saying certain words or praying.